It’s a short hike up to the hot springs. The sky is a deep display of fading sherbet, barely casting enough light for me to see where I’m stepping. Reid and Callum are walking behind me, and when I stumble over a loose rock, they both reach out to catch me. I brush them both off and keep climbing. There’s a steady flow of conversation buzzing in my ears, but I don’t register any of it.
I shouldn’t have come.
The sound of Callum’s voice pulls me back to reality briefly. “Watch that step right there.”
I register the meaning of his words too late and trip over the exact rock he tried to point out. He lifts me off the ground, and I let him hang onto my hand this time. I need all the help I can get to avoid rolling my ankle again. My brain keeps replaying the image of Chloe’s mom, solemn and broken—I can’t focus on the trail.
The guys don’t appear to share in my remorse. Instead, they’re all talking about the competition tomorrow morning, and how they got lucky going second this time. Reid and Callum are the only two not bragging about their advantage in getting an extra day.
Finally, the trail levels out and the forest opens up to a small lagoon. It’s a lot smaller than I expected. There are about fifteen of us, and I’m not sure how we’re all going to fit. I start to strip off my clothes so I can be one of the first to enter. That way I don’t have to awkwardly squeeze my way in.
Hot steam licks up my legs, and I wince. It’s deliciously hot and exactly what I need. The sulfur smell is sticking in my nose, but this heat is worth it. The warmth is all consuming, and it seeps into my bones. My shoulders melt down and there’s finally space between my ears and my arms.
That newfound space closes right up when Callum brings up Chloe. “So, are you two close?”
Air gets stuck in my throat and I cough. “We, uh, used to be.”
“Oh, I thought you guys seemed like good friends.”
“Chloe is a good friend. I’ve been a little neglectful lately.”
He lets out a “hmm,” and I wonder if he thinks I’m as shitty as I do.
The joint from earlier is starting to spread through my body too. My arms are limp and my tongue is getting dryer by the second. Someone carried up a cooler full of lemonade, and tomy satisfaction, there’s an alcohol free one. An audible moan escapes my lips, and Callum seems to think it’s hilarious. “What are you looking at?”
I sit up so I can fully experience his reply. “You’re really enjoying that lemonade.”
With a splash, I get closer and hand him the lemonade to try. “It’s divine. The way the citrus is offset by the sweetness, but it’s not too sweet.” I lick my lips.
He cuts off my flavor monologue after he takes a careful sip. “Hmm…it’s good, but I’m pretty sure that’s your high speaking.”
I close my eyes and let my head fall back against the rock behind me. This is a primitive hot spring, my favorite kind. There are no paid passes, just a jagged hike and the potential for bears. It makes me feel alive, and I’m extra grateful for that tonight.
In honor of that gratitude, I let my leg fall against Callum’s, and he leans in a little too. The heat starts spreading to my core, and I imagine what it would be like if he and I were the only two people here right now. It looks like he’s thinking the same thing.
He brings his head down closer to my face and whispers in my ear, “I want to kiss you.”
His stubble tickles my ear, and I barely contain a giggle as I tilt my body up to whisper in his ear, “So, why don’t you?”
I don’t know when I became so forward…I’m blaming the weed. But it feels good, thrilling in a way not so dissimilar to biking. I force myself to hang onto that feeling of being alive and keep leaning in.
He shakes his head like he’s trying to convince himself to kiss me, and he looks briefly across to the other side of the pool. I follow his gaze—he’s looking at Reid. “I can’t kiss you in front of all these people. Not the way I want to, at least.”
No one else appears to care. Reid surely doesn’t. There’s a girl with half blue hair practically hanging on him, and he lookslike he’s enjoying it. I’m shocked he didn’t invite Luella from last year. She must have just been a fling—somehow it makes it sting even more that he chose her over us.
I want to tell Callum to kiss me anyways, but it would be wrong. It’d be wrong because I’d spend the whole time secretly hoping Reid would see. Not just that he’d see—but that he’d care.
Callum may not kiss me here, but it doesn’t stop him from running his fingers over my thighs under the water. His fingers are gruff with callouses and cuts. The touch is hotter than it should be, with the juxtaposition of his hard hands against my soft legs. I keep leaning in closer, and eventually I let my head rest against his shoulder.
Once my head hits his arm I realize how tired I am, and hot. My head is starting to throb as my very brief high starts to fade, and I remember how draining today truly was. Before I let myself fixate on how high maintenance I sound, I peel myself out of the water. “I’m ready to go home.”
Callum clocks the clarity in my eyes—he knows I’m sober now. He wastes no time pulling himself out of the water and starts to help me grab my clothes. I spare a single glance back to Reid, but he’s immersed with that girl. She’s practically in his lap now, and he’s toying with her blue strands lazily—he doesn’t even see me go.
We have each other’s locations, so I’ll know if he’s safe, but it still feels wrong. Whatever happened to ‘we’re a team Blondie,’ ‘I’ll never leave you Addie’?
Since everyone else is still partying, Callum helps me take the bikes out of the back of Willa and we take turns showering. For once in my life, I’m grateful for a cold shower. My heart is thumping. Something about a steaming hot spring and weed is not mixing well for me. I can feel every too-warm blood platelet making its way through my blood stream.
Taking my time gliding serums and creams over my face, I do my best to come back to my body without focusing on the atoms it’s composed of. My fingers keep gravitating towards the back of my spine, and I know I’m focusing too intensely on the structures of my spinal column, and the way I take them for granted everyday.
