“After all of these years…since we were kids, I let you breathe. I’m pretty sure you know how far my name proceeds itself. You know what I’m all about Smack. I wondered if you ever asked yourself, why the fuck would a man like me allow such of a poor excuse of a man like you to still walk the earth?” I raised my thick brows.
He didn’t respond, just whimpered pathetically.
“I thought about killing you when you stood on the sidewalk asking if I saw your bitch ass daddy. I wanted to kill you because your father killed my pops then laced my momma’s crack.” My jaws clenched tightly from the memory.
“He took them from me, so I felt nothing killing Rosco. I proved to myself and him that he would never be worthy enough to take the board that my Pops dominated…I wasn’t going to allow him to be able to tell the tale either.” My voice dropped low.
I looked into his one good eye, since Josie made sure to claw his right eye halfway out. Smack sniveled and shamelessly dropped tears as he winced out in severe pain.
“I left you alive Smack because the same look that you had in your eyes that day was the same feeling I felt all of my young years. Our father’s failed us…they loved the streets more than us. I chose to make a change, doesn’t matter if it’s good or bad to those who judge, but I’m doing something. When I saw you years back, I didn’t think you would step into Rosco’s shoes…” I chuckled bitterly.
“You don’t have a loyal bone in you, like father like son…I really hoped that you didn’t walk in his shoes. I told myself that if you did…I’d give you the opportunity to redirect your steps…I did that by offering distribution of Owlette. Of course, you wanted to prove yourself to your men since you let me openly bitch you out in front of them?—”
“My dad didn’t fail me, and I didn’t fail him. H-he loved me!” He swallowed down bitterly.
I blinked as his chest heaved. Each breath that he took was shaky.
“Y—you failed your pops, and in the afterlife, you continue to embarrass and fail him. This street shit is just another cycle of life that you’re trying to change. None of this shit gone stop, you ain’t God and fasho didn’t make you superman to save every crack head walking the streets.” He coughed violently and gasped for air as more blood gushed from his eye and into his mouth.
I stood up and laughed sinisterly.
“You a sick ass muthafucka Grand. Parading around with owls and soldiers playing God when you need some fucking help. Muthafuckas don’t just fear you, they feel sorry for you. My Pops always told my momma how Kendrick’s only son was fucked up in the head with a mental illness and how he felt sorry for you. He thought he would be doing you a favor of getting rid of Kendrick. He said that maybe the system would get you andput you on meds since you always talked to ya self.” His voice cracked.
His words felt like a blade had gone across my ribs.People knew back then that I had a problem?I thought I hid it well.
My hand twitched at my side; Josie flew across the room and landed rightfully on my shoulder. She made a low hooting noise reacting to the emotional shift that she felt in her hollow bones.
“Rest in piss.” I hawked up spit and spat it right on top of his bare feet.
I gave him my back and walked out because there was nothing else left to say. Smack chose his fate; we all did and had to answer to it all one day.
Instead of me placing my hand against the wall panel to close the steel door behind me, I left it open as I walked out with one thought swirling in my head.
I’m not crazy, pops loved me in his own way…fuck what anybody thought back then. Rosco wasn’t doing me no favor by killing my old man!
My jaws locked up as Smack’s words did a loop inside of my mind. I nodded towards my men and started towards the steps. My Pop’s face flickered in my mind, those black eyes, his face balled up in disgust.
You should be proud of me Pop’s…. Fuck! Why do I still hope for your approval?I shook my head and leaned against the cold wall in the stairwell.
He only loved me, when I proved to him that what the doctors said about me wasn’t true. He would love me now if I walked in his shoes, but his footsteps were wrong!I told myself over and over.
Josie clawed gently at my shoulder, breaking the heavy trance, I was in. Her glossy big eyes stared straight into mine.
“I love what I do, Josie…I can’t save everybody, but I’ll never stop trying. I just have to learn how to start living a little more outside of these walls.” I told her.
She blinked her eyes and tilted her head like she understood. Her acknowledgement comforted me enough. I refused to become the same man I buried when I was thirteen. I closed my eyes again and pressed my back against the wall letting the silence take over me. For the first time in years, I let myself wonder what it would’ve been like if Pops hugged me more than he taught me about the streets. What path would I have taken if my momma chose me every once in a while and fought on my behalf to let me remain in school.
What would I feel like now if I heard the words ‘I love you’ more frequently from Pops? Tone’s words echoed next, and the air became too thick to inhale.
“You ever think about kids?”
That question hit deep, and I didn’t want to admit to him that I never pictured it before Mira. But I saw it clearly with her…Carrying our child. Me protecting and not training he or she. If I had a kid with her, I would learn how to love properly so I could teach my child love and not survival. All of those random thoughts terrified me; I felt fear of failing in that aspect.
But it also lit something inside of me that I hadn’t felt since I was a boy watching my mother smile on the days that she was happy and content with me and Pops being home.
I opened my eyes, not caring about the heavy tear drops that ran down my face.
“I gotta hear her voice…I need to see her, Josie.” I whispered.
