“You always claim to be well aware. You don’t like compliments because people point out what you claim to already know…”
I turned to face Tone again; I didn’t bother to wipe away the lone tear that fell. Tone had several tears wetting his face. I don’t know if those tears were for me or Dre…maybe it was the frustrations of our cold reality that we had to swallow down every day.
“What are you getting at now, Tone? You keep talking in riddles at the wrong damn time.”
My mind went to Smack and how I was ready to get my last words with him over with.
“You keep lying to yourself, Kenric.”
My back stiffened.
“You walk around here like you above feeling anything like you too sharp to bleed…I see it though, bro. I’ve seen the blood leak out of you slowly and you cracking…Every time a small glimpse of emotion take over your face you fight hard to bury it.”
“I’m good?—”
“You’re not. You made everything about a board because that’s what Kendrick left you with. Strategy, loyalty…you never talk about you…never admit that Kendrick and Josephine broke something inside of me just like my mom broke something inside of me. You scared to feel that shit, but you live it each time you leave this building to patch up what you couldn’t with your parents?—”
“Tone stop it.” I gritted.
“No, I won’t. Because every time I try to tell you something good about yourself you sabotage that shit. Mira made you laugh genuinely, you loved it, and because you loved it…you tried to make yourself colder…You can’t own a fucking board Kenric if you don’t even own your own fucking truth.” His voice softenedjust as I started to choke on emotions that I buried over and over.
“I just want to see you happy, man. Not just respected, feared and all the other shit with you being Grand. I want to see Kenric Mastiff happy…happy through playing the hood’s Robin hood, happy in that lab where you create things for the better of the community. I ain’t telling you to stop what you doing because it’s for a better cause…but just understand that you should be able to balance your own happiness and feel that you deserve good shit like everybody else in this fucked up world.”
I don’t know how…I swiped the tip of my nose as my chest rose and fell unevenly.
“You ever think about kids?” Tone pressed on.
I didn’t answer him because that thought never came to mind. I didn’t have my ending written with a happily ever after like most people did.
“What if you started a family? Breaking the curse your mom and pops passed to you? Loving someone and raising something that ain’t born in trauma?”
I blinked slowly, the weight of what he was saying sunk into my mind as well as all the possibilities that came with it.
“Imagine Mira pregnant. Laughing, not crying…and your child never knowing what a cell feels like…your child wouldn’t have to wonder like we did if our parents love them…imagine giving your legacy what none of us got.” He continued.
I stared at the concrete and embraced the pain that I never paid attention to. I felt Tone step closer; he placed his hand on the other side of my shoulder as Josie made a whining noise.
“You love Mira…you just convince yourself that you’re obsessed but I saw love in your eyes, every time she played the violin…your rush to finish up business to get back to her. The time that y’all spent at the indoor pool…I watched you that day.” He dropped his head and chuckled.
“I walked off once y’all got nasty…but it was amazing to see the two of y’all laugh together and talk like normal people. You just scared Kenric…earlier today when you realized she left; you were petrified even after I told you that I would be able to track her. Loving her won’t make you weak…”
“I don’t know how,” I said quietly.
“Take the time to learn, Grand. It’s what you do…you’re the Grand fuckin’ Master. It’s not always about the board. I’ll let the men know your orders once you finish your talk with Smack.”
He released my shoulder and walked away. Silence swallowed me whole, I let it. I let Tone’s words settle into my bones instead of dodging them. Then, I pictured Mira…holding something we created together…something unbroken…
RED ROOM…
“I don’t knowhow to feel, Josie…” I talked lowly as I placed the palm of my hand on the center of the Red Room door.
A hushed beeping noise sounded off and seconds later the heavy steel door slid open. The smell inside of here matched the same smell as Hell Cage. The Red Room walls were red with no windows, it was humid inside but not as hot as the other room. Smack arms were tied in front of him. His head hung low as blood leaked from his nose and mouth. Before I could take a step forward, Josie wings cut through the stale air.
Her white talons gripped Smack’s shoulders and before she could dig in, he screamed at the top of his lungs. She used her beak to rip downward on the side of his face; her sharp claw rose up and jabbed right into his left eye. Josie’s feathers flaredin a frenzy which told me that she wasn’t just angry…Josie was furious. The more Smack cried out and screamed, the more intense Josie’s attack became.
I counted down from twenty to one, then clicked my tongue sharply. She stopped abruptly but hooted and eyed me intensely like there was more damage that she sought out to do. She turned her head mechanically back at Smack then launched off his shoulder making sure to slap him in the face with her feathers as she flew off to the shadows of the room.
The silence in the room after her attack was louder than his screams.Get it over with, speak your peace then leave.I walked over to him slowly; I made sure to leave a little space between us before I squatted in front of him.
