Ace: Moving on? From me or your apartment?
Me: From everything. Thanks for your help with Paul. I wish you the best, Mr. Edison.
Ace: My Zahra, let me help you. None of this is your fault. It’s mine and your mom’s. Let’s just start again. Love, your Kalb.
Me: No. Goodbye Mr. Edison. For your closure, I will ask Paul to contact you with the results.
Three dots appeared on my screen. I wanted to run downstairs and fly into Kalb’s arms, but he couldn’t be my rescuer. He’d dropped me so quickly with zero evidence, so he either didn’t really understand me or never felt that strongly. Besides, I had to do this on my own. No more relying on men and building a future on the idea of a relationship or family that wouldn’t be reciprocated. The only difference between Kalb and Blake and Dr. Conti was that Kalb had led me to believe it wasn’t just in my head. Now I couldn’t even trust my lists. Kalb had ticked every box and still dismissed me as a psycho without so much as a discussion. If he’d even asked a basic question, I’d have known that he was asking me to stop stalking Blake, not him. Instead, like a fool, I assumed he wanted to end whatever crazy thing it was we had. And it was crazy. Someone like me should never dip their toe in the stalking wading pool for fear it would turn into an ocean, yet I had.
Reflection was a significant part of my therapy, so I was getting pretty good at it. Looking back, I can see that I knew it wasn’t healthy. I hadn’t wanted to tell Dr. Warren about Zahra and Kalb, which was a huge flashing sign that my “relationship” with Ace wasn’t right.
I blocked his number before the three dots could transform into words that could melt my resolve and sent a message to the one man who could answer at least one major question in my life.
Me: Paul, thank you for contacting me. That would be wonderful. I have an at-home kit that I can bring you. I understand if you wish to manage this part yourself to ensure accuracy.
Chapter 30: The Hound—Desperate regret
My Zahra: No. Goodbye Mr. Edison. For your closure, I will ask Paul to contact you with the results.
No. My Zahra, no. I quickly began to respond to her last message.
Me: Please Zahra, I am sorry. We can talk about this.
Message undeliverable. She’d cut me out. I deserved it for believing the worst of her, but I never thought she was a bad person. I thought she’d become ill again, and my solution was to leave her to sort it out on her own, which was just as bad as believing she was crazy.
There was no way I was going to walk away. I’d been able to walk away from Evangeline, but I knew in my heart that I could never leave my Rose so easily. We were perfect for each other. Not only did we accept each other’s stalking tendencies, we loved that about each other. We fit together perfectly. She hadn’t even asked me about my past, when clearly, I had similar behaviors to hers. She had just accepted me, knowing instinctively that I was safe, yet I hadn’t extended the same courtesy to her.
I leaned against my car door. If she had to be somewhere, I would take her. Her car had been taken by authorities when she was taken into custody, and to my knowledge, it hadn’t been returned yet. As her legal guardian, her mother likely had just sold it for quick cash as soon as she could. My poor Zahra had no one to lean on, no one to care for her. Well, she had me, but she didn’t want me now that I had deserted her when she needed me the most.
A flash of red caught my eye, breaking me from my self-flagellating thoughts. My Zahra! She was beautiful, though she looked fragile and withdrawn. She always had a shy, reserved way about her, but now she was positively childlike. She walked with her head bowed, one arm across her stomach and theother arm hooked around the opposite elbow, as though she was protecting herself from dangers unknown. Or perhaps, dangers known given she knew I was outside her building.
“Rose,” I called out softly when she moved close enough to me to hear.
She looked up and frowned. It wasn’t an angry frown, more of a heartbroken wince. She ducked her head again and walked even faster. Easily matching her quick stride, I walked beside her.
“Let me take you where you need to go. I’m really sorry. I should have believed you or at least just asked you what was going on. Please Rose, let me help you. I’ll make this up to you and—”
She put her hand up. “No, please just leave.” She stopped moving. I glanced up and realized we’d reached a bus stop.
“You don’t need the bus, Rose. Let me take you where you need to go. Are you going to the store?”
She shook her head, refusing to meet my eye. Instead, she leaned her upper body out toward the road, presumably searching for the bus.
Look at me, Zahra. See the desperation in my eyes!
I grabbed her upper arm gently, giving it a slight squeeze. Rose and I hadn’t really touched much at all. With her practiced self-restraint and reluctance to let anyone near her, I’d held back, respecting her efforts and her inner conflict. But now that she was slipping away, I couldn’t afford that same patience.
“Please, Rose,” I begged. “Please just let me drive you and we can talk on the way.”
Finally, she turned to look at me. Her eyes were full of unshed tears, and she spoke in a shaky, soft voice.
“Just leave me, Mr. Edison. Please. I need to go to my doctor, and I don’t have enough capacity left for you. I tried so hard ... I tried to ... I shouldn’t have let you in. I’m not even blaming you,but I don’t want to see you anymore. I can’t. I just need to be on my own, to start again.”
“You mean to put up your defenses again? But this time, you’ll never let them down. That’s my fault. I know that Zahra, and I’ll be forever sorry that I hurt you like this. You can count on me now. I promise that—”
“Promise what? That you’ll believe me?” She snapped. She was angry. She just didn’t know it. “I trusted you. I pulled away and didn’t want to believe you were interested, but you gave me every signal that you were. So I let myself believe. I followed your lead, and it felt so good to have someone. Apart from my grandmother, I never had anyone, Ace. I didn’t even know that I’d never had anyone just for me because you can’t miss what you never had. And now I’ll miss that feeling. It wasn’t real, but for a while, to me, it was so real. I’m not angry that you didn’t believe me. I’m sick. I’ve always been stupid and sick, not worthy of anything real. I don’t blame you for finally seeing that, but I do blame you for letting me feel something. For showing me how it felt to be part of something only to have it ripped away. I wish I’d never come to you for help. I wish you’d never left me that flower, and that I’d never sent you that hound. So just leave me to pick up my own pieces. It’s what I do best!”
While she had begun with a soft and shaky voice, her tone was now angry and strong, despite the tears that were now flowing freely down her cheeks. I hated seeing what I’d done. She wasn’t sick or stupid. She was beautiful and had she had even a minimally caring mother, she’d never have become unwell. The real Rose was beautiful and caring. The rejected and love-starved Rose she became was shaped by a loveless, abusive mother and a life full of loneliness and self-doubt.
