“You don’t have to do that, Rose. I’m wrong. It was me, not you. You don’t need to doubt yourself.” She scoffed and turned away from me, again searching the road for the bus. I hoped thebus had blown all of its tires and would be indefinitely delayed. If I let her out of my sight, I feared I’d never see her again.
Not knowing what else to do, I grabbed her firmly by the shoulders and pulled her to face me. I pulled her even closer, locking her against my body with my arms. I’d been so careful around her physically, but maybe she could feel my regret and love through my physical actions. No more “anonymous” notes or verbal espionage and mind games. Just heartfelt remorse and the pain of losing someone through your own stupidity.
She didn’t push me away, but she also didn’t return the hug. It was still a win in my eyes. We stood at the bus stop, me clenched tightly around her and her, stiff and ridiculously upright. To those passing on the street, we likely looked highly suspicious. Perhaps I looked like an incredibly stupid man who had messed up with his wife and was desperate for forgiveness. If that was the case, their perception would be one hundred percent correct.
Chapter 31: The Rose—Difficult decisions
It felt amazing being held by my Kalb, but I had to move on. I couldn’t allow myself to be sucked back into a life that wasn’t healthy. A life that wouldn’t grant me independence or healing. I’d never been so close to Ace, so I let myself enjoy the embrace for a few minutes, though I didn’t allow myself to return his affection.
“Mr. Edison, the bus will be here in two minutes. I asked you kindly to please leave me alone and I want you to respect that.”
He stepped back an inch but didn’t remove his arms. I could feel his eyes boring into mine, but I wouldn’t meet his gaze. I stepped back and he finally dropped his arms and stuffed his hands into his pockets.
“Rose, please, I am so sorry. Can we talk about this? I’ll drive you wherever you need to go. I’ll help you with Paul and the test. Please let me be there for you.”
I shook my head, still refusing to meet his gaze. Wiping my eyes, I craned my neck, relieved to see the bus turning the corner. I pulled my handbag into my chest and stared directly at the road ahead, ignoring Ace.
The bus pulled up and I immediately stepped forward as the doors opened. Ace grabbed my arm firmly and whispered, “Please, Rose.” Shaking myself free, I climbed the steps to the bus and swiped my card, choosing a seat on the roadside of the bus so I couldn’t see Ace.
I tried to put him out of my head but was still ruminating on it by the time I stepped off the bus a few hundred yards from Dr. Warren’s rooms.
I’m doing the right thing. Ace didn’t have faith in me. I need to have faith in me.
I’m doing the right thing. Ace didn’t have faith in me. I need to have faith in me.
I’m doing the right thing. Ace didn’t have faith in me. I need to have faith in me.
I’d taken to writing my own mantras, which Dr. Warren had always encouraged. Until now, I hadn’t trusted myself to create healthy mantras, opting instead for those I found on the internet and had been approved by Dr. Warren. Now, I had a new list on my phone that I would show her for approval.
Dr. Warren seemed pleased to see me, and her demeanor was gentle and encouraging. She had been concerned that my latest setback may have led me to spiral, but she (and I) was pleased with my strength.
I told her all about Ace and our interactions through text and on the street.
“Rose, I think it’s wonderful that you’re valuing your independence and building on that, but I also think it’s not helpful for you to cut everyone out. I’m not saying to forgive Ace, or even pursue that, but perhaps leaving town is not the answer now. Your name wasn’t in the media and you’ve been developing some solid relationships. I also don’t think it’s the right time to be moving to another psychiatrist. It’s your choice, but I think the strongest thing you could do would be to remain here and build on the relationships with the people you’ve formed light attachments with, like your coworkers and Gloria. Relationships don’t have to be all or nothing. You can be friends with someone, and I think some female friendships would be wonderful for you.”
I nodded, playing with the tissues I’d soaked.
“I kind of like my job, and I like seeing you. I’m just worried that if I take more steps with people, I'll become clingy.”
“Rose, I want you to recognize something important. You’re not doing well because you’ve cut yourself off from friendships or because your doctor happens to be a woman. You’re doing well becauseyouhave worked very hard. You’ve committed totreatment, you’ve stayed consistent with your medication, and you’ve shown real courage in facing the parts of yourself that were once overwhelming.
But I also need you to hear this: walls can keep danger out, but they also keep beauty out. If you live with such strict defenses, you risk missing out on the richness of connection, of love, of even the small joys that come from letting people into your life. Being healthy isn’t about avoiding—it’s about learning how to participate in life without losing yourself. And I think you’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.”
We spent the rest of the hour talking about how to move forward. Dr. Warren was right. I had been doing well, but perhaps I was too vigilant. Gloria could be a friend. If I remained faithful to my checklists and checked in with Dr. Warren, I could build on that. Ace was too much of a temptation. Even without confessing the detailed stalking elements to Dr. Warren, she wasn’t greatly encouraging of pursuing a friendship with him, so I knew if she was aware of the whole story, she’d support me cutting him out. Why did I keep those details from her? I knew the answer. I desperately wanted to keep him as an option. Sharing our full story would mean Dr. Warren would disapprove, and for some reason, I didn’t want to risk that.
I felt more settled and decisive on the bus ride home. I would stay here. I would continue in my job and begin to interact more with my coworkers and Gloria. As Dr. Warren pointed out, with a solid support base, I’d not be restricted to one person’s support ever again. With only my mother in my corner, I’d been vulnerable and blind to what could have happened. Being fed only one perspective was limiting my options. I needed to have a richer life, and that included hobbies, friends, and less of a one-dimensional attitude at work. My phone vibrated in my bag.
Paul: Thanks Rose. I am happy with an in-home kit. I will purchase the kit. Would you be okay with comingto the bar to do the test? I will submit the test and inform you of the findings.
Me: That sounds good to me. Shall I come by tomorrow? Lunch time?
Paul: Yes, thank you. I will pay express so we can get results sooner. I’ll be in contact again when the results arrive.
I gave his response a thumbs up. It seemed lame, but I really didn’t know what to write. This was another “relationship” in my life that would require great thought and consideration. I hoped Paul was my father, mostly because at least I would have an answer, but also because Ace said he was a good man, and he seemed to be committed to finding out if I was his daughter. That was a good sign, right?
I stepped out of the bus, surprised to see Kalb still sitting there, his head in his hands. The bus driver paused, thinking that he was waiting for the bus. Ace looked up and waved the driver away. Not sparing him a glance, I strode purposefully toward my apartment building. Ace was immediately beside me, shortening his stride so he could maintain my pace.
“Can we talk Rose? Please, I don’t know how I can just ... Please, Rose. I fucked up, I know. I want to fix it. I thought if I stayed, you’d become unwell, but I know you weren’t unwell ... Please.”
