I can hear footsteps behind me and, from the way they are light as they patter across the gravel, I know it’s my mother.
I knew she’d find me here eventually. I try and focus on my breathing, wondering where to start to try and explain to her, if I can find the words, how I’m feeling on what is meant to be the happiest day of my life.
‘I thought you’d be in the shower by now,’ she says, putting a mug of cappuccino on the table beside me, her jolly smile tinged with just a hint of uncertainty. ‘You didn’t eat your breakfast, David. It’s probably nerves, mind you. I remember on my wedding morning I couldn’t eat a bite, but you’ll be glad you did later if you can manage something. Even a piece of toast?’
‘I don’t want anything to eat, but thanks, Mum.’
‘I could do you some porridge? Or even some fruit?’
‘Honestly, I can’t even think of food,’ I say to her, staring ahead. I swallow hard, wondering if I can spit out what it is I want to say.
‘David, what’s wrong, love?’
Mum pulls a chair beside me and takes my hand.
‘I’m so sorry, Mum.’
‘Sorry? What for?’ she whispers so gently. ‘Has something happened?”
‘I can’t do this,’ I whisper, waiting for her face to crumple but instead she just smiles and squeezes my hand.
‘Oh, darling, it’s normal to have cold feet on your wedding day: you do understand that?’ she says. ‘But Lesley adores you and I know you love her too.’
I shake my head from side to side. Where do I start? My parents know nothing about the surprise pregnancy last month and the subsequent miscarriage just ten days ago. They know nothing about how I’ve been so distracted by the insane pressures of work that meant the days just ticked by and this date came around so quickly, or how I’ve been so consumed with Mum’s illness and making sure she was going to get better that I didn’t stop properly to think about what it was I was actually going ahead with.
As my parents prepared the house so it was freshly decorated, as they ordered in a catered breakfast for this morning and fresh flowers to fill the hallway, as they chose their outfits so carefully, as they sent through a list of friends they’d like to see invited to our reception, as they talked to Lesley’s parents and let the excitement of today take over, they had no idea that all that time all I wanted was Kate.
The only person I wanted to be with was Kate.
Kate Foley, the girl from the doorway who held my hand and fixed my arm, the one who makes my world spin in the best possible way; the one who lights me up inside. Ican see it in every move she makes and I can feel it in every word I say in return. She brings me to life like oxygen with her words and advice and her soothing tones. She makes me feel, when I wake up clouded by darkness, that I could jump the moon if I wanted to. She is like no one I’ve ever met before.
‘I hate the thought of letting Lesley down,’ I tell my mother. ‘She has gone through her own private hell all week in a time when she should have been looking forward to the best day of her life and now I’m going to destroy her even more.’
‘I don’t understand,’ says my mother. ‘Have you really changed your mind?’
I breathe out slowly and nod my head.
‘I’m so sorry,’ I repeat. ‘I’m so sorry.’
She squeezes my hand again which makes me feel just a tiny bit better.
Looking at her frail face, dry and worn out by months of chemotherapy, her blonde bobbed wig so perfectly placed for what was to be a very proud day for her, I feel so angry at myself for the devastation I’m about to cause. Despite her own physical pain and all the internal worry she has had lately for her own wellbeing, she can still set that to the side here and pledge her support, even though I’m about to shatter so many worlds.
‘I’ve left this too late, Mum, but I was hoping somewhere along the way I’d change my mind and see some sense,’ Icontinue. ‘I should have acted quicker, I should have read the signs earlier and more honestly. I hate myself for doing this to Lesley. I hate myself for inflicting so much pain on her. I hate that I feel the way I do.’
Mum’s eyes fill up and she shakes her head slowly.
‘David, darling, are you really telling me—?’ she asks, as sadness and shock creep over her kind, delicate face. ‘Are you really telling me … you’re not going ahead with the wedding today?’
I nod, unable to watch as tears fill her broken face.
‘That’s what I’m trying to say, yes,’ I tell her. I bite my lip and look away.
She is stunned and I’m brought back to so many moments here in our home when bad news was broken – the aftermath of the bomb when our whole community was stunned, losing Aaron so tragically and suddenly that cold winter morning, all of the standout moments in life that have defined us. And now I’ve landed this on my mother.
She shakes her head as she stares at the grass beneath her.
‘Lesley is a wonderful young lady, David, and we are all very fond of her,’ she whispers gently. ‘This will devastate her and her whole family.’
