‘And I wanted him to kiss me so badly, I really did,’ I confess. ‘There’s a hunger between us that’s insatiable. I’ve never felt anything like this before.’
‘So, you’re in love with him then,’ she whispers, nodding her head as it all sinks in. ‘Oh, Kate.’
I feel my eyes burn and my lip trembles.
‘What on earth do I do now, eh?’ I ask my flatmate and great friend as the inevitable tears flow down my cheeks. ‘What do I do to let him go? I can’t just sit here for ever wallowing over a man who is getting married today to someone else. I have to know what to do.’
‘Ah, you poor thing,’ she says, joining me on the sofa. ‘We’ll figure it out, don’t worry. I’ll help you in any way I can, I promise; anything you want me to do, I’ll do it if it makes you feel better. I’m just trying to figure out what that could be.’
We sit there for a few moments as I let it all sink in. Images of David – so handsome, tall and smart in his morning suit, soon to be smiling at the lovely Lesley inher iconic white dress, their smiling families looking on – flood my head again. I hear him clear his throat as he makes his after-dinner speech, shy and blushing as he takes the mic in front of the gathered crowd of guests from both sides of their family. His voice will break a little and she’ll put her hand on his to reassure him he’s doing a great job.
I hear them laughing as they gaze into each other’s eyes, I see him whisper in her ear as they share their first dance to a song that means nothing to others but the world to them. I see his father look at Lesley in a way that he would never look at me, and it tears me apart for how unfair life can be.
But, aside from all that, I also know it will be a day tinged in sadness too as they grieve the loss of their baby. I try and change the focus of my mind to sympathy and joy for them instead of sympathy for myself, but it’s hard to shift gears in my mind when in my heart I’m so deeply devastated.
‘So, how about we get dressed up and go for a nice lunch, somewhere out of the city where we can sit outside and have a nice old drink and feel the sea air on our faces?’ Sinead suggests, trying to brighten me up. ‘It’s the best I can come up with for now, but it might help you get through the day and stop thinking about fairy-tale weddings and torturing yourself?’
‘Yeah,’ I reply, trying to build myself up to getting changedout of my fleecy pyjamas. The idea of putting on make-up and fixing my hair seems like an arduous chore, but I also know that if I lie around here thinking and overthinking it will drive me insane.
‘Did you message him good luck for today?’ Sinead asks me, nodding at my phone.
I glance at my mobile as if it’s a disease, shake my head and look away.
‘I can’t even look at my phone,’ I tell her. ‘I know I should send him some sort of a message, I really do, but I think it would be best for me to stay out of it totally. Plus, in a selfish way, I think I need to focus on me.’
‘Fair enough, whatever makes it easier,’ says Sinead. ‘OK, you go make a start to get ready and I’ll tidy up here a bit. Once you have today behind you, you’ll start to feel better. You’ll see.’
I only wish I shared Sinead’s confidence in my ability to put David into my past with Sam and all the others I thought I’d loved before. Maybe this will ease off eventually, but I know in my heart this is different to what I felt like with anyone before, even with Sam who I one day thought I was going to marry. Thank God for unanswered prayers – and who knows, maybe this is another one of those things that just wasn’t meant to be?
David slipped into my life for a fleeting moment, but he left a wound in my heart so deep that it’s going to take a long, long time to heal. I honestly thought we were soulmatesas far as friendships go, but my stupid heart got involved and ruined it all. I dig deep inside and close my eyes before I get up from the sofa, doing my best to send good vibes from me to him for his day.
I force myself to lift my phone.
‘What are you doing?’ asks Sinead, as if I’m about to jump off a cliff.
‘I’m being the bigger person,’ I tell her as I type a message into my phone, my hands shaking as I type and I press send before either of us can change my mind. ‘I’m wishing my good friend all the happiness in the world for his wedding day. There you go. Done. I feel better already.’
Sinead puts her hand on her hip.
‘Well done, Kate,’ she says, nodding her head like a proud mother. ‘That’s step one out of the way. Now, up to the shower you go. We’re going to have a lovely day and each day that comes after this, you’ll be one bit closer to your new future.’
And so I do as I’m told. I go to the shower and stand under it for far longer than I intended to, but all the time I stand there, I force myself to smile for David and Lesley on their big day.
Inside, though, I’m falling to pieces, and I know I’m broken in a way that will never be fixed. I just have to find a way of never letting it show.
DAVID
I’m sitting in the garden, in my father’s chair, under the tree where the birds sing a pleasant morning melody that couldn’t be further from my mood right now. My stomach is in bits, my head is banging after I tried to numb my feelings with too much whisky last night. I feel as if my blood is curdling as it runs through my veins, as despair grips me and leaves my head in a very dark place.
I picture Lesley and her family getting ready for today in a nearby hotel, and every time I think of her, buck’s fizz in hand, having her blonde hair styled just like she’d planned it, her white dress hanging on the door as her sister and her mother fuss over her, and the dainty shoes she bought from America waiting to be worn for the first and only time, I feel as though I’m going to be sick.
It’s 9.30 a.m.
I check my phone and my heart jumps when I see there’s a message from Kate at last. As well as imagining with dread what Lesley is doing now, I’m also pining to know how Kate is feeling. I haven’t spoken with her in almost ten days since I spilled my guts out to her about the miscarriage and, although there has been so much going on, as Lesley and I packed up on autopilot and we made our way across the Irish Sea on the ferry for the wedding two days ago, every second without having Kate in my life to talk to has felt like someone boring holes in my heart.
‘Thinking of you. Have a wonderful day x’
Oh God. My head throbs like a beating drum and I pray for some direction. I beg for some spiritual guidance, for some advice to come from somewhere, anywhere, to please help me. I’ve never felt so alone in my life.
