I put my head in my hands.
‘I know it will,’ I say, looking up to the heavens. I close my eyes. ‘I never wanted this to happen. I can’t believe it’s happening.’
‘Are you sure?’
This time I don’t cower out of my decision. As much as the pain of what I am going to do engulfs both of us here right now, I know it’s the right thing. I need to face up to it head on.
‘I’m sure, Mum,’ I tell the woman who brought me into this world. I hate disappointing her, but right now I know there is simply no turning back. ‘I’m sorry, but I’m sure. I can’t risk living a lie for the rest of my life, and I know it would hurt Lesley more in the long run if she thought I was going ahead with this against my gut feeling.’
We sit there together, with only the sound of morning bird song breaking our silence. I already feel a slight weight off my own shoulders having spoken out my truth, but I dread the day ahead as I face the music and break Lesley’s heart.
‘Well, it looks like you’ve made your decision,’ my mother says eventually, her voice a little stronger now, ‘and even though this is the last thing I’d want either of you to have to go through, you must be true to yourself and to Lesley. She deserves the truth. I’m so sorry for you both. I won’t lie, this is very sad to hear, but I respect your decision.’
She puts her frail arms around my neck and softly kisses me on the forehead as a swarm of butterflies attack my insides. I have a fleeting urge to backtrack, to chicken out of pulling out of today, but something Kate said to me in her very first email comes back to me and gives me the push I need to get through this.
What happened to us back then is a benchmark for life – I will never be so afraid of anything again, and therefore, if I’m ever scared, I remind myself how I’m strong enough to get through whatever comes my way.
I close my eyes, hearing those words over and over again, and when I open them my mum is still there, waiting for me with her arm stretched out. I take her hand in mine. She is so small now, so weak and so fragile on the outside, yet a powerhouse from within as always. If she has never loved me more, I can say that I feel exactly the same for her.
This is going to be horrendous, but I’ve made my decision once and for all.
‘You’re a disgrace to me, and a disgrace to this family name,’ says my father as he looks out of the front window of the drawing room, staring out to the lawn. ‘What are you thinking, David? Are you even thinking at all? Does it thrill you to hurt people like this?’
He pinches his eyes and thumps the table beside him.
‘I’m not intentionally out to hurt anyone out, Dad,’ I tell him, jutting out my chin. ‘This is one part of my life that you won’t be able to control or ever make me feel like I’m doing the wrong thing, because believe me I already know how painful this is going to be for Lesley. I feel bad enough, and I’m going to have to deal with it, so I really don’t need your “letting down the family name” speech, thank you!’
‘But Lesley is perfect for you!’ he spits, taking his tie offand throwing it on the floor. ‘She’s the daughter of a field marshal for goodness’ sake, David! She couldn’t be any more perfect for you if we’d hand-picked her ourselves, but now we’ll be the talk of this town for all the wrong reasons!’
I shake my head as I try to find the words. I’m stunned in a way I never thought I’d be, my head spinning.
‘Yes, Dad, that’s exactly it, you see,’ I say in bewilderment, almost laughing in frustration now. ‘Lesley is an amazing person, yes, I already know that, but you can’t tell me who’s perfect forme– no one has that power over any other human being. It’s absolutely tearing me apart inside what I’m about to do to Lesley, but all you can think of is what other people will say, as bloody usual.’
‘She doesn’t deserve this and neither do I or your mother.’
‘But it’s not about you, Dad!’ I plead with him. ‘And while I’m sorry you’re disappointed in me, I’m much more concerned that I’m about to break a beautiful woman’s heart on what should have been the biggest day of her life. I only wish you could see it that way, instead of thinking of yourself and your fine reputation as always.’
‘You can leave now,’ he tells me, still staring at the floor as he points towards the doorway. ‘I will speak to Lesley’s parents in my own time and apologize to them for this sorry mess you’ve left us all in.’
My stomach flips as I picture the scenes ahead when I see Lesley. Once more I consider taking the easier short-termoption by pretending this conversation never happened and meeting her at the church this afternoon as planned.
‘I’ll come with you, David,’ I hear my mother say to me. She stands in the hallway with her light pink summer coat in her hand. Her eyes are red-rimmed from crying and I feel my heart crush in my chest.
‘No, Mum. Thanks for the offer, but please stay here and rest. This is one mess I’m going to have to deal with myself, and the quicker I do it, the better for all of us involved.’
13.
KATE
Sinead and I spend the early afternoon walking along the beach at Sandymount in Dublin, and I do my best to distract myself from what time of day it is. I’ve deliberately left my phone at home to allow my mind to switch off and default, back to a time when I didn’t know David Campbell in real life, back to a time when my world was just me and Sam in our apartment and I thought I had the world at my feet.
‘Funny how you think you’ve everything under control in life and then boom, it all falls down around you,’ I say to Sinead as we sip coffee in the Sandymount Hotel, where Sinead is insisting I at least try to eat some lunch. My untouched sandwich stares at me from the table, but I can’t think of digesting anything yet. Every time I experience any kind of upset, it goes straight to my stomach. My mother says I inherited it from her while Mo wishes she had the same trait, joking that she turns to food for comfort andpiles on the pounds, whereas I turn away from it and lose weight I can’t afford to lose in the first place.
‘Look Kate, I know this is going to sound a bit like tough love, but you found David right on the cusp of your break-up with Sam, so maybe you gave your friendship with him too much energy on top of what you already were going through,’ she tells me. ‘I’m no relationship expert, but perhaps this is a good time to focus on yourself and start planning out your own future. You’ve so much to live for.’
I know what she says is probably true. I need to shake myself off and accept that Sam and David were both life lessons – Sam has taught me that people you love can cheat on you and friends can lie, but that’s their problem and their loss, while David taught me that falling in love with someone at the wrong time can hurt so deeply, but that life isn’t always fair and you just have to roll with the punches, treat your wounds and reboot.
‘I’d love to do something really spontaneous,’ I mutter, staring at the table in front of me. ‘Like, something totally mad, something from the bucket list, you know what I mean, Sinead? Something we always say we’ll do before we die but we never actually do it. Like, a parachute jump—’
