“Well, let’s see. You claim not to like sugar in your coffee, but you still buy those sweet creamers. You prefer vanilla ice creambut never admit that because you think it makes you seem boring. You hate watching shows with lawyers in them because you nitpick them so much they’re not fun for you anymore. You don’t like orange juice or lemonade because pulp freaks you out. You like to listen to really angry, aggressive rock music when you work out.”
“That’s disturbing.” But Jackson laughed, because all of it was true.
“I’m sure you could do the same for me.”
“Probably. Let me think.” Jackson closed his eyes and pictured the halcyon days of their relationship, when he’d been in love and everything had felt perfect. “All right. You put too much sugar in your coffee and generally have such a sweet tooth, you’re probably keeping your dentist in business all by yourself. You like cake over all other desserts.You’re a foodie, and you like the fine things in life, the best money can buy, but you’re a total sucker for a burger and a shake from Shake Shack.”
“Those shakes are really good!”
Jackson held up his hand. “You love horror movies, the campier the better. You’ve dabbled in pretty much every martial art that offers classes in New York City. You get vertigo in high places. Your music libraryis, like, fifty percent show tunes. Eating any kind of melon makes you break out in hives.” He turned his head and looked at Park until Park turned and met his gaze. “In bed, you prefer to bottom.”
Park shifted a little closer. “You prefer to top.” He took a deep breath. “You had a high school boyfriend who you fooled around with, but you officially lost your virginity when you were nineteento a devastatingly handsome business student.”
“And you were a total innocent upon arrival at college and experienced your first everything with a smoking hot law student.”
Park smiled. “See? We already know everything there is to know about each other. It’s not like we’ve become completely different people since we last saw each other. We’ve changed some, sure, but we’re essentially thesame.”
Jackson felt his resolve crumbling, and hated himself a little for it. “I don’t know, Park.”
“While the window’s still open, even a little, there’s still some hope, isn’t there?”
* * *
Park watched Jackson’s face closely. They’d been lying in bed together for some amount of time—a few minutes or a few hours, Park couldn’t say. The sun had started to set and the only lighton in the room was the one near the door. The orange from that light combined with the hazy grayness of the setting sun created an odd lighting effect that made Jackson look a little purple.
“I used to wonder,” Jackson said, “why no one had ever outed you. I never said anything, but enough people knew us as a couple that all it would take is the wrong person speaking to the press and it wouldbe all over.”
“When I ran for Assembly, I think it was a small potatoes enough position that nobody cared. My district is pretty wealthy, so they tend to vote Republican anyway, and my opponent in that election was a left-wing activist who wanted to take down Wall Street. For a lot of voters, I’m sure the R next to my name on the ballot was enough. And Thompson’s campaign hasn’t uncoveredanything about me. Maybe he didn’t look very hard. He said publicly, before the primaries had even determined anything, that he wanted to run a clean campaign focused on the issues, and we’ve both stuck to that for the most part. I certainly don’t want to talk about Thompson’s dirty laundry or have him look too closely at mine. I’m happy to talk about the economy instead.”
“You’re really thinkingabout coming out?”
“Thinking, yes. I haven’t decided anything.” But, god, he wanted to. He wanted to promise Jackson the world.
Jackson nodded. “See, here’s the thing. Last night, I made up this speech about how we couldn’t sleep together again because it was too confusing, too hard to keep any kind of emotional distance, because it’syou, and it’sus, and we have so much history. I wasgoing to completely quit as your lawyer and recommend you hire a different firm if you won’t work with Reed. I handed all my notes over to Reed, although I haven’t formally stepped down from the case yet. And then I went to the drug store and bought condoms anyway.”
Park was so startled he fell forward and hit his nose on the mattress. He laughed and turned toward Jackson. “Did you really?”
“They’re in my briefcase.”
“Bet that gave the security guy at the precinct house something to think about when he put your bag through the X-ray.”
Jackson smiled, but then turned his face to look at Park directly again. “Despite everything, I still want you, and it’s been killing me not to touch you through this whole conversation.”
“Well, don’t harm yourself on my account.”
Park made the first move. He rolled onto his side and reached for Jackson, who came to him right away, and then they were holding each other. Jackson pressed his face into Park’s shoulder and wrapped his arms around Park as if he were holding on for dear life.
And then they were kissing.
Park rolled until he pulled Jackson on top of him, and he loved having that weight pressing againsthim. Park bucked his hips and grabbed Jackson’s ass so their cocks would meet in the middle. Jackson grunted and sighed above him, all the while kissing Park and stroking his hair.
They were doing this. The more time he spent with Jackson, the more determined Park became not to let him go again. So he held Jackson tight and kissed him and wished the outside world would stop turning long enoughfor them to have this.
When Jackson didn’t move to leave, Park started undoing the buttons on his shirt. No flimsy polyester blend here; Jackson’s clothes were finely made, a significant step up from the discount store suits he’d bought in law school. It was a stupid, shallow thing to be impressed by, but it still struck Park, perhaps because it served as proof Jackson had become what he’dalways aspired to be: absurdly successful.
With no help from Park.
Park was proud of Jackson, in awe of his success.
