“Realistic, Park. New York is safe, but it’s still a major city. If you don’t have your wits about you, someone will pick your pocket orworse.”
Park faced ahead. “What you’re saying is you care, but you don’t love me anymore.”
Jackson looked at the ceiling, trying not to feel the strain in Park’s voice. “So much has happened. I put so much time and energy into getting over you. Into making my life fulfilling without you. I don’t feel the same as I did five years ago. I couldn’t. I’m just saying I never stopped caring aboutyou or worrying about you, but love? Not anymore, Park.” He’d put so much mental energy into living his life and being happy without Park that he wasn’t willing to put his heart out there just to get it stomped on again. He didn’t love Park. He couldn’t.
Park turned slightly to look back at Jackson. “I talked myself out of being in love with you. I want to be able to say I still love you,but you’re right. After all this time, it’s not the same.”
“Not to mention, once Gavin makes an arrest and all this ends, you’ll go back to your campaign and I’ll be out of the picture again.”
Park remained quiet for a long time. Jackson watched his face, watched him furrow his brow as if he were thinking about something. Then Park said, “What if that weren’t the case?”
“What?”
“Maybe we don’t have a future together. Maybe I hurt you too much and you’ll never forgive me. But having you back in my life again is just reminding me what I gave up when I left. Do you think—I mean, if you weren’t my lawyer, if there were no campaign, if I were just a businessman, if I came out of the closet publicly, and if we started to spend more time together again, do you think we’d havea hope?”
Jackson shook his head. He didn’t really believe Park would do that. He wouldn’t quit the campaign, nor would he come out. “Hypothetically?”
“Sure.” Park’s eyes were wide; he looked eager for Jackson’s answer.
“I...maybe.”
Because Jackson realized part of him had already forgiven Park. Enough time had passed that the old wounds didn’t ache the way they once had. Jacksonunderstood exactly why Park thought he had to walk out the door. Their relationship had damage that they might never be able to repair, but Jackson didn’t intend to hold Park’s past actions against him. Well, he wanted to see Park grovel a little, make it clear he understood what he’d done wrong the first time. But what really worried Jackson now was the path forward. Given the circumstances, hecould see Park shoving him back in a closet, something he would not compromise on.
When Jackson looked back at Park, Park was nodding and looking at the wall. He glanced down, toward Jackson’s knees where they bent on the edge of the bed. Park said, “I knew from the first moment we met that you were the man for me. I’ll never find anyone who fits with me as well as you once did. And I fuckedit all up. I know it’s on me and the choices I made. I know a lot of time has passed.” Park took a deep breath and looked up at Jackson. Their eyes met. “I am so sorry, Jack. I will never be able to say sorry enough for hurting you. I knew when I was leaving that I was hurting you, and that was the last thing I ever wanted to do.”
Jackson saw the remorse in Park’s eyes. The vulnerability.Hearing the apology was nice. Jackson wasn’t sure if it was enough, though. “You knew what you were doing and you still left.” Suddenly all he could see was that day at Uncle Oliver’s, sitting at the table after Park said it was over, shaking with the effort to not show emotion to the bustling dining room full of onlookers.
“I know. It was a shitty thing to do. And if I had it to do over,I wouldn’t have acted the same. But it’s the past and I can’t change it. No matter how much I want to, I can’t change what I did or the choices I made. But perhaps I can change the future.”
“It’s not the same, Park. Our relationship can never be what it was.”
“I know. Our relationship is like a building that’s been torn down. We have to start at the foundation and build something new ontop of it.”
Jackson’s heart pounded. He lay back on the bed and stared at the ceiling as he rubbed his chest. “I can’t deal in hypotheticals.” Because Park was clearly asking for a second chance, and though Jackson was tempted to say yes, that he’d be with Park again without hesitation, he couldn’t do it. Not with so much potential disaster. “You can’t ask me to put my heart on the line againwithout any promises in return. I need a real promise from you that something will change, or I can’t do it.”
“Martha left the window cracked open.”
Jackson glanced at the hotel room windows, which were sealed shut. “What?”
Park turned around more completely and flopped down on the bed next to Jackson, on his stomach. “Martha told me the other day that she has been strategizing mycampaign all along on the assumption that one day, I’d want to come out publicly. She’s been very careful never to let me lie or deny anything. Ever since she mentioned that, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.”
Jackson wanted to roll over and take Park into his arms, to hear what he was saying and let it give him hope. But Jackson kept his back on the bed. “How realistic is that,though?”
“Even if you didn’t take me back, even if you walked out of my life tomorrow and I never saw you again, I can’t keep living this way. Seeing you this week has made me realize how unhappy I’ve been. I’m pursuing my dreams, but there’s something hollow about each victory when I have to hide a part of myself to achieve them. And I’m alone, Jack. God, I’m so lonely. I have people aroundme all the time, but I go home alone every night, and it’s like something important is missing.”
“It is,” Jackson said softly, because he knew something about loneliness.
“I don’t know how to make it happen. I don’t know how to make all this work. But I think I’d hate myself if I didn’t try.” Park propped himself up on his elbows. “I know you’re probably not ready to talk about the othernight.”
“I haven’t been able to decide what I want to happen here,” Jackson said.
“In an ideal universe, what would happen?”
“You’d live a less public life, I wouldn’t be your lawyer, and we could, I don’t know, go on actual dates and get to know each other again. Build a foundation, like you said.”
Park dipped his head forward. After a moment, he said, “Not to belabor this metaphor,but I think we already have the foundation. It’s the rest of the structure that has to be rebuilt. Get to know each other? I already know everything there is to know about you.”
Jackson laughed, feeling like this conversation had gotten surreal. “Like what?”
