He buries his face in my hair and whispers, “So fucking perfect, Peaches. So beautiful, thank you for being ours.”
Those words have the last of the orgasm haze clearing enough to remind me that I’m not. I’m not theirs, not the way I wish I could be. This is just sex, that’s all it can be and I need to remember that because the more they pet me, the more they whisper sweet things to me - the more my heart swells and that’s exactly how it will end up shattering when this is all over.
+++++++++
I lean against the counter in the kitchen waiting for the kettle to boil for a desperately needed cup of tea and a hot water bottle waiting to be filled. It’s been a busy week since my date with Tate and getting together with Jude and Beck. I’m feeling tired and run down and I woke up this morning with my period so I’m suffering from cramps and moodiness. The house is quiet with everyone in bed and my hormones are messing with me.
I barely slept last night after getting home from the club. I tossed and turned while being haunted by visions of Ash’s sharp green eyes watching me as I danced for him the whole shift. I hate that he doesn’t know it's me dancing for him. I hate that it’s some fantasy woman he wants and that he’ll hate me if he ever finds out the truth.
Everyone has been busy this week with finals and I feel like the two I wrote today kicked my ass. After the night I was with Jude and Beck they seemed to back off a bit like they wanted me to have the space and time to make sure I’m okay with what we did together. It’s sweet but now that they’ve shown me just how they can make my body sing and dance to their ministrations, I want more. I flat-out want sex and being on my period doesn’t help that at all.
“You going to shut that off or make sure it’s really reallllyy boiled, bookworm?”
Ash’s annoyed words break me from my funk and I jerk to shut off the stove and move the kettle, mumbling an apology. Feeling a little pissy, I add, “Don’t call me that.”
He chuckles, “Alright, caterpillar, then. You’re always wearing all this fuzzy stuff so that fits better anyway.”
I step away from the stove and stretch up on my tiptoes to the top cupboard to try and reach the tea canister. Just as I get my fingers on it, I feel my pants get tugged down on one side causing me to squawk in surprise and the canister pushes further back into the cupboard.
“Wow, never pegged you as a tattoo girl, caterpillar.” Ash muses, way too close to me as his warm fingers slide over the small purple and blue butterfly I have on the top of my right hip.
I swallow hard, realizing my stretching must have exposed part of it. I pull away from him and yank my fleecy sleep pants back up on that side as he smirks and reaches to get the canister for me.
“A girl like you branding her skin like that, it must mean something, right?”
I want to throw his words back at him. Tell him it means I was too drunk one night and no one stopped me but my hormones are all out of wack so instead I dangerously say the real reason.
“It…it was supposed to remind me that I could be something … something that I’m not. It was supposed to mean that if I was brave enough … I could fly.”
Hot tears fill my eyes and I spin away from him and wrestle with the canister lid until it pops off and I pull out a tea bag.
“Hey, hey, don’t cry, Savy. Why are you crying?”
I sniff them back and keep my head down. “I’m not, it’s nothing. Stupid hormones.” I whisper the last part but he hears me anyway.
“Ah…crampy?”
My face flushes with embarrassment but I blame it on the steam as I pour boiling water into my mug. Ash takes the kettle from me and swipes the floppy water bottle from the counter and fills it up for me and then sets it beside my mug.
“I’m sorry you’re not feeling good. Come here and let me help?”
I dart a guarded look his way, not understanding why or how he would help me with something like this.
“I have two sisters who’ve trained me in the secret ways of dealing with PMS so that I could survive through a week of them going off in tandem. Trust me? Let me help?”
I shrug one shoulder, still not able to look him in the eye so he gently turns me until my back is to him and lifts my bulky fleece sweatshirt. I suck in a breath when his warm hands go to my lower back and begin to rub. He uses his strong thumbs to dig in with the exact right pressure. My stupid womb pulses and I break. The sobs pour out of me and I have no control at all as the hot tears pour down my face.
Ash’s hands leave my back with one arm wrapping around my chest just above my breasts to pull me back against him and the other sneaks under my shirt and slides under my pants to spread out and cup over my lower belly.
“Hey, hey, shh, it’s okay. You’re just riding the red wave, sweetheart. You’re smart and beautiful and you can be anything you want to be. This is just the hormones messing with you. You can do anything, Sav. You are brave. Think about it, you’re living in a house with four jacked-up dudes. Just spread those wings of yours and fly.”
He has no idea how his words are a double-edged sword for me and they just make my tears fall faster. Ash holds on to me, gently flexing his fingers on my stomach like he can massage the cramps away until I finally suck it all back and swipe at my face. When he lets me go, there’s no way I can look at him, terrified that he’ll see the lie I’ve been hiding from him for so long.
“Come on, up to bed. I’ll carry your tea and water bottle for you. I promise, a good night’s sleep and you’ll feel better tomorrow.”
I do as I’m told, not able to speak for fear that all the secrets trapped in my throat will escape, and I go up the stairs with him following me. I slide into bed as he sets my tea down on the stool that I’m using for a nightstand and then tucks the hot water bottle under the covers against my stomach. This is such a different side of Ash from any I’ve seen before and it makes me wish for all the things I can’t have with him. When he brushes my hair back from my face and takes my glasses off to set them on the stool, I grasp his wrist.
“A-Ash…I’m…I’m so sorry.”
