“Tell him how that makes you feel, Scarlet.” I wanted them to talk less about their problems and more about how they felt.
“It makes me feel sad. I feel like I’m not even worthy of your time. It makes me feel worthless. I don’t feel attractive anymore. I can’t eat right.”
“Don’t be dramatic.” Dirk interrupted. I could see his jaw clench.
“Mr. Baxter,” I cautioned. He met my gaze. I don’t think he heard no too often. “Anything else, Scarlet.”
“I feel you gave up on the marriage just because you have ED or something that doesn’t make your penis work right anymore.” She pulled back from Dirk and crossed her arms.
I consider myself an excellent judge of character and she seemed sincere. It may have been because I could empathize with her feelings. I had gone through the same thing with Richard. He had been so focused on his business, working late, on weekends, that I felt abandoned.
This was my first time meeting her, though, and I’d seen plenty of patients who could fool me the first few times we met. I felt a sinking feeling in my gut, though.
I knew I needed to focus on my own issues and having Dirk in my life would be a deadly distraction. Helping him fix his marriage was the right thing to do. The thought of losing him though left me with a heavy feeling. This was going to be hard.
“Mr. Baxter, say thank you, please.”
“Thank you.” He faced me when he said it and not Scarlet.
“Tell me something you want me to know about how you feel about our marriage.” Scarlet asked, her voice low and soft.
“And.Please look directly at her when you say it,” I added.
Those dark eyes of his pierced right through me as he glared at me. Eventually, he turned on the couch, giving himself some room from Scarlet, although now his knee was on the couch pressing against her knee.
“I don’t feel you realize how much I’ve supported you and the money I’ve spent on your schemes. It’s hard to be intimate with you when I have this resentment towards you.”
“You resent me?” Scarlet burst out.
“Scarlet. Say ‘thank you’.”
“Thank you. I guess.” Scarlet huffed and crossed her arms.
I really couldn’t blame her for feeling hurt, angry, and a touch of resentment. Every story has two sides, and I was seeing the other side now.
Dirk Baxter was a workaholic with a wife twenty-two years younger than him. He was focused on a big business deal, which left little time for his wife.
She had obviously spent a lot of his money, had a circle of friends he didn’t particularly care for, and her social life reflected on him. At least he thought so.
We continued the dyad with the same question for another ten minutes, but it seemed to make things worse. The goal was for each partner to understand how the other felt more than what their dislikes of their partner were.
There was, however, a sliver of hope and something to work with. Before the hour ended, I had some recommendations for the couple. I hoped they both would go along with it.
“So, I know that was hard for both of you. Hearing your spouse tell you how they feel, especially when there is a lot of bitterness and anger, is difficult. However, I think there is some common ground you two can stand on. I have some homework for the two of you, if you are still willing to try saving your marriage. You both today have said that is what you want to do.”
I waited for a response or nods of approval. Dirk took a deep breath but didn’t respond.
“I’m willing to try anything, Doc.” Scarlet said.
I practiced my therapist’s penetrating stare on Dirk until he nodded.
“Okay, you have three homework assignments. One, Dirk, you need to sleep at your house and be home at a decent hour each weeknight. Can you do that? Your house has an extra bedroom if you two don’t feel comfortable sleeping together. Right?”
They both nodded.
“Two, on those weeknights, when you get home early, share a meal together. Talk about your day. Catch up and listen to each other. Then, when dinner is over, I want you to do a dyad for thirty minutes to an hour. Here is a list of questions you can ask each other.” I got up and offered my dyad questions handout to them. Scarlet took it and scanned it. I sat back down.
“Pick the ones that seem important but always start out with five to ten minutes of telling each other something you align on or love about each other. Can you both commit to that?”
