Page 23
With a sigh, she stepped forward. ‘I’m sorry. I am so sorry.’
‘For what? You have nothing to be sorry for. I think it’s been established that I do.’
‘I don’t think anyone won that battle yet,’ Katie said, joining him by the block. She gave a little half-smile. ‘You must be wondering what you have done to land a bunch of guests with so much drama. And now’ – she sighed – ‘Ned turning up is the biggest twist of all.’
Arlo sensed a forlornness to her tone. ‘If you want to talk, I’m a good listener – if you’d like me to be,’ he added, hoping that he might be some use to Katie if it made her feel better.
She laughed. ‘You might regret saying that. Things are … complicated between me and Ned.’
‘Why not try me? It could be less … burdensome, talking to a stranger?’
‘A stranger?’ She gave a little laugh.
‘In some ways,’ Arlo murmured, the memory of that kiss flooding his senses and making him want to do it all over again. He shook himself back to reality. ‘I want to listen. You were talking about you and Ned.’
‘Yes.’ She hitched a tiny breath. ‘We had something special. He was waiting for me at the station when … and he heard the impact. He saw the aftermath. You can imagine what he must have gone through, not knowing if I was OK and then finding out I’d been taken to hospital.’
Arlo felt his stomach contract. He’d also been involved in an accident, although of a very different nature, and he could imagine Ned’s fears very well. Except he hadn’t been waiting for news of his friend because he’d already known his friend was dead.
‘It must have been horrendous,’ he said.
‘I’m sure it was. I was out of it for a lot of the time and I can’t remember too much in the first few hours. I told you that I wasn’t the same person after the accident. When Ned proposed a week after the accident, I turned him down. Things were never the same after that … Anyway, eventually, this summer, we split up.’ She sighed deeply. ‘All our friends and family were so upset that the fairytale feel-good ending wasn’t going to happen. They wanted “Romance author escapes death in wreckage and finds true love” but real life had other ideas.’
‘Did you want to get married before the accident?’ he asked.
‘We used to spend most nights at each other’s flats but we hadn’t got round to moving in and we hadn’t discussed marriage. I was always chasing a deadline and in the weeks leading up to the train crash, Ned had been away filming an X-rated thriller that had caused mild outrage in the tabloids.’ She managed a smile.
Arlo found it hard to smile. He’d seen enough of Rowan’s reaction to Ned to tell him everything he needed to know about the man’s charismatic appeal.
‘We had an exciting life – parties, events, enjoying the buzz and the possibilities. I can’t believe I was involved in all that now but at the time I suppose we thought we’d get round to taking things further one day. It felt as if we had …’
‘… all the time in the world,’ Arlo murmured. ‘It’s always later than you think.’
‘Yes. Exactly.’ She stared at him in surprise. ‘Because the accident blew everything apart. While I recovered, Ned visited, he supported me. I moved in with Mum and Dad but he always expected me to move back with him … he was going to clear his diary but when he finally offered to do it, I didn’t want him to rearrange his life for me.’
She paused to gather herself. Arlo waited.
‘At first, I told myself – and Ned – that I wanted to prove I could live on my own again. I’d been in hospital and rehab and with my parents for two months. I wanted to manage my own life again and be independent.’
‘And how did Ned feel about that?’ Arlo asked, even though he had a good idea.
‘Ned didn’t get it. I don’t blame him. He felt I was rejecting him but I wasn’t saying no to him so much as yes to myself. I needed time – I told him that – and he said he understood, though I’m not sure he did.
‘There was a wedge in our relationship from that moment. He did feel rejected and I – felt under pressure to name a day when I would move in with him. That day never came. The weeks and months went on and gradually we saw less of each other. I … did a terrible thing: I started avoiding seeing him. Making excuses and delaying my replies to his texts.’
She ghosted him, Arlo thought. He was painfully aware how that felt but he didn’t want to seem to be judging Katie so he simply nodded.
‘Then one day we had a blazing row in the Groucho Club bar and I stormed out. He sent a few messages asking if we could meet and talk and I said it was over and I didn’t hear from him again. The last time I even had a message from him was October.’
‘Did you miss Ned?’ he asked, though he hardly trusted himself to speak.
‘Yes. Sometimes I do and sometimes I feel that I was just a coward and ran away.’
‘I’m sure that’s not true,’ Arlo said, more gruffly than he’d meant.
‘It is and not only because I pushed Ned away. It doesn’t seem fair that I lived but someone near me didn’t make it. I heard them crying out. I still do. They’ll never get to see their loved ones grow older, celebrate, go shopping, go to gigs, read a book, sit inside on a gloomy Sunday afternoon and be bored or angry or hurt. Their lives just – stopped.’
She halted by an oak, its leaves withered skeletons at their feet. The lake rested in the distance, still and patient as Arlo was. He wanted Katie’s feelings and memories to unspool naturally, just as he’d eventually allowed his own to do.