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“Like I fucked up.”

His expression changed.

“MJ, I’m looking at you like this because you’re my son. And I love you. More than you’ll ever understand until you have children of your own.”

I looked away.

“I know, Pops.”

“No, look at me.”

I met his eyes again.

“I don’t give a fuck how old you get. You could be forty years old sitting in this same office, and I’m still gonna see my little boy. That’s never gonna change.”

My throat tightened. I tried to swallow past it, but he was making it hard when he continued.

“I’ve done a lot of shit in my life, son. Shit I’m not proud of. Shit I wouldn’t wish on nobody. And every decision I made after you and your sisters came into my life was about making sure y’all never had to live the way I did.”

I pressed my lips together.

“I know.”

“So, when you sit here and tell me you killed somebody, you think I’m supposed to be happy about that?”

“I ain’t asking you to be happy. I just wanted you to understand why,” I quickly responded.

“I do understand.”

I stared at him.

“And that’s what hurts,” he added.

I dropped my eyes. For the first time since the fair, I didn’t have anything to say. I had spent all night telling myself that I had done what needed to be done. I hadn’t questioned pulling the trigger, and I wasn’t sitting there wishing Ghost had gotten away. But I never killed anybody before. And no matter how many times I told myself he deserved it, I couldn’t erase the image of him hitting the ground out of my head.

Pops must’ve noticed something change in my face because his voice softened.

“MJ.”

I shook my head.

“I’m good.”

“Son…”

“I’m straight, Pops.”

I rubbed a hand over my face.

“I’m trying to be,” I admitted.

The words came out quieter than I’d intended. Pops didn’t say anything. I stared at the floor because I could feel my eyes start to burn.

“I ain’t sleep last night,” I confessed. “Every time I closed my eyes, I kept seeing that shit.”

My voice cracked on the last word. I cleared my throat because I was embarrassed. Pops moved his wheelchair away from the desk. I shook my head again when I saw him rolling over.

“Pops, I’m good.”