Page 81

Alex

I scrub my hands over my face. Fuck. I feel like shit, no one could find me, but this is what we do. I hope she still feels the same way about us. It slays me that I wasn’t at her side, but I was working. She’s the only person on earth I thought would understand.

I explain as honestly as I can. “I was nowhere and everywhere, wearing headphones at coffee shops. I drove to Huntington Beach for lunch, then a library for a while. I finished up in the driveway last night.”

“And your phone? Email. Hell, I even tweeted at you.”

“Off. I didn’t want to be found. I somehow didn’t even look at Twitter. You know that feeling, right?”

Her face is stressed, and her lips are pursed. I stand back from her and give her space. She’s fucking everything, and I can’t lose her because I did something we’ve previously agreed on. I need for her to not be hypocritical. After Thanksgiving, she disappeared to the shore and didn’t tell me anything. This is who we are. Please, on anything holy, let Tess still be my Tess. Let her understand. Come on, sweet girl, tell me. She winces as she sits up. It plucks my heart.

“I do know that feeling.”

Tension floods out of my body. Thank God. “Are you angry?”

“No, and yes. But how can I not be? I was scared and needed you.”

Not sure how to reconcile those things, but I feel understood. Like I have every second of every day with her. She sees me for all that I am, and my flaws match hers.

I sit on the edge of the bed. I’m a whisper away from her lips. I say softly, “I know. I’m so sorry. I have to say it even if you don’t want to hear it. I feel like shit.”

And her lips capture mine as if righting our convoluted universe. I’m lost in the feel of her delicate mouth. I gently lick her lower lip, and she opens slightly while sighing into my mouth. I pull back and smile.

I see her frustration. We’re not people who sit still well. I think we had so much sex in Mexico because we weren’t working. It was amazing, but it’s like we became each other’s fidget spinner.

“Where did you get my notebooks?”

“I had Jeff pick them up a month ago. They were for your birthday. And as for going home. You don’t.”

Her eyes widen, then she tries to hide from me. I hold her chin in place. “Eventually, they’ll want me to vacate this room.”

“Point. Missing it.” She stays. I’d take her pain away if I could.

Words start flowing out of my mouth, words that I’ve been holding back. The dam is broken, and I have no choice but to tell her what’s in my heart and head.

“Have the surgery here, be with me. I’ll take care of you. Or Mikey. I’ll fly Joan in. Just stay. Let me take care of you. Let me see you every day. I know you hate relying on anyone, but I want to do this. I’ll put away the groceries and carry you anywhere you need. I love you so much, let me do this. That’s what’s supposed to happen, right? Let me order take out, learn to make eggs the way you like, and cover you with blankets and kisses. I’ll make another turkey. I’ll buy all the domestic Chardonnay you want and learn to make a killer whiskey sour for the firepit. You haven’t slept in Philly in almost two months. You’re either traveling, at Joan’s, or here. Why would you go now?”

Her brain is spinning, searching for a reason to put distance between us. That’s some bullshit right there. “I miss my stuff. I miss my closet. And there’s a throw on the couch I need.”

I decimate her excuses. Just fall into my life already, Tess. “I’ll get them. Make me a list. I’m in Allentown next week. I’ll fly into Philly and get your things. Then I’ll stop traveling. Give me your keys and a list. But I’m bringing back all the lingerie. Because you’ll need all of that.”

“You’d do that?” Her voice and resolve crumble.

“Of course. Just be home with me. You can get all the new writing done. Stop hocking old books. This is forcing you to slow down and just be. To write without commitment to traveling. When’s the pub date?”

“September 10th, for back to school moms’ escape.”

“You’ll be perfect by then.”

“That’s seven months from now.” She looks at me, incredulously. And for the first time, ‘time’ doesn’t bother me. I know I’ve never felt this way before. I’m quite sure I’ll never feel this way again. Hers is the only heart and soul for me.

“I don’t know how to pause.”

“We’ll have months to figure it out. Be with me.”

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Tess