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I breathe in sharply at his familiar words. I respond as I always did.
TESS: On my way to you.
ALEX: That took my breath away.
TESS: We have to stop. This will be too painful tomorrow.
ALEX: I can’t fucking stop. I can’t stop thinking about all the things. Do you want me to go? I will, although I’m not sure how knowing you’re right here. And knowing you want me as badly as I want you.
TESS: I can’t send you away. I’m a foolish girl and a glutton for punishment. Please stay the night. Nothing’s different. This will just be this. Unless you’ve magically figured out how to have a life with me at the forefront and not fit me into yours without resenting me. I want you desperately, but I can’t invest. I won’t survive.
It’s the most direct I’ve been in months. I need a respite from all of the pain that’s dulled my words and my spirit for three months, one week, and six days. I want to turn my volume back up. Not that I need a man to give me that, but there’s a freedom and joy in being completely loved. And I know he loves me as fully as he’s capable.
ALEX: I don’t know what to do with you.
I smile at this thought because it’s all the same. He doesn’t know how to make room for me. I don’t know how to demand it.
There’s no open door, just a crack to exploit for the evening. I want to walk funny tomorrow as I walk away from him. Someday I want to feel this way for a man who feels the same and wants to make sure my car has gas and keeps his phone on. That’s not too much to ask. I join him at the table.
“I don’t like watching you without getting to touch you,” he says plainly.
“And now you know what it’s like should I stumble across the podcast.”
He eases back into his chair, smiling. “You’ve seen it.”
“Snippets. It’s a bit much. I avoid it.”
“I haven’t read your new book.” He closes his eyes for a half-second that makes me think he might have seen the dedication. I hope not.
“You don’t have to anymore.”
He takes my hand. His voice pulls me back from thinking about pulling every copy from the shelves, so I don’t have to be embarrassed when he eventually sees it.
“Stay better friends with Mikey, so he stops asking about you.”
“I backed off. I thought you needed him.” He leans towards me and kisses me slowly. My desire stoked as well as my heart. His pillowy lips on mine. If tonight is just this, then I don’t want to be here anymore. “Did you eat?”
“I did. It was meh. Did you get something?”
I shrug. “I had a shitty chicken kabob thing and a crab cake. We leave now,” I demand, but he doesn’t move.
“I was looking forward to some kind of gloopy dessert with a shockingly red sauce.” He winks at me. I know exactly how to motivate him.
I lean forward, revealing some cleavage, and say, “Rose gold.” He falls out of his chair. “Let’s stop wasting time on people who don’t understand what the simple mention of a color means.”
“There you are.” He’s pulling my chair out.
“What do you mean?”
We’re facing each other, and he rubs my hands. “That piece of you that used to be mine, the one you’ve either buried or are holding back because we’re not...”
“Because we’re not. I didn’t realize I wasn’t all here.” Fuck he’s good. I want him to know me less.
“Lead on, my love.”
“You’re drunk,” I say.
“Yes, doesn’t negate that I love you. Can’t help it. Not sure how to stop.” My heart rushes at this, but I don’t return the sentiment. We walk back to the hotel, laughing, groping, and stopping to kiss along the way.
