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JOAN: That’s a fucking pile of shit you stepped in. I had a hunch. Mikey and Ari are with his parents in Phoenix.
I look up at Alex wondering what I’ve gotten myself into.
“I don’t want to need your touch.” It’s the most honest and vulnerable thing he’s ever said.
67
Alex
“I haven’t felt this complete since you walked away from me. Just the touch of your hand relaxes me into myself. The smell of you, the feel of your skin, your lips, and your eyes. You affect me on a cellular level. My mitochondria dance when you touch me.” The words rush out of me. I don’t know how to become worthy of her. I don’t know how to have her in my life, but my need for her is undeniable.
“Please stop. We can only be this tonight. Don’t promise me things you can’t—” I pull her to me and put my forehead to hers. I want her so badly. Not just to fuck her, and I can’t believe my dick’s not exploding out of my pants right now. I want to debate the world or chat about what color names are stupid. I want all of it right now.
I’m honest, and pleading and I say, “Just tonight. Let’s not think of the past or the future. Be present with me. There’s not someday anymore. I get that.”
Tess says, “I can do that.” I lower my face and lips to hers. I brush against her petal-soft mouth. I lick her bottom lip ever so slightly, and she rolls her head back. I take the opportunity to kiss her jawline and into her neck. We move out of the sidewalk so people can pass and then kiss as if no one’s watching. My fingers tangle into her hair as her hands rub up and down my back, frantic to feel all me. Our tongues are wild and free of judgment. I break away panting.
“I need to get to Joan. But ok. Tonight.”
“Tonight,” I whisper while nipping her ear. And then she says something that might kill me.
“I’ve been wet since I sat down. Only you can do that to me.” I groan and attack her lips again, thrusting my tongue hard against hers. We move and grope for a minute until a loud beep from a taxi disturbs our pornographic sidewalk make out session. I need to fuck her very, very, very soon.
* * *
We walk hand in hand, chatting about our parents and her brothers. We’re checking in. Once we arrive, as she walks away from me to find Joan, I see every male eye look at her tight tennis ass. I feel a false sense of pride. But I can’t wait until she speaks. Her ass has nothing on her brain or vocabulary.
My adrenaline’s in overdrive as her elegant words drift out of her and over the crowd. She’s not mine, but everyone thinks she is. She stands behind Joan, and although Joan brings the house down with each blunt bawdy word she spits out at this stuffy room, I only see and hear her. I can hear her heartbeat from here. I can hear her thoughts and doubts. Her soul still mirrors mine. She exits the stage, and all the soft light seems to drain from the room, and I’m left with fluorescent banquet light and really shitty chicken.
68
Tess
Joan grabs me. “Are you ok?”
“I’m fine.”
“Bullshit. You’re fucking sparkly and joyous.”
“Nothing’s different. We still don’t have a place for each other, but it doesn’t mean I can’t make space tonight.”
“Girl. You’re full of shit.”
“Probably. But you’re amazing. Look at you in a dress. You have ankles.” I mock Joan. She loves pantsuit.
“Well, it’s not every day people come together to remind you you’re worthy.”
I hold Joan’s hand. She’s not an affectionate person, but I need her to hear me, “My life would be vastly different without you. I exist in the world because of what you’ve given to me. Not the book deals, but the two of you and your devotion to me. I love you whether you want to hear it or not.” I hug her tightly, and she lets me.
She takes my face in her hands. “Baby girl, you know you’re one of the reasons this whole fucking thing matters.”
“The award?”
“Life. Make sure yours matters. Make sure he matters. Don’t wait for space. You demand it. Push through this the way you’ve pushed for everything else in life. But make sure you’re pushing for the right thing. I don’t know anyone who can be more of a force of nature than you. You’re a tsunami, leaving nothing but what you want in your wake.”
I squeeze her hand as my phone vibrates.
ALEX: If we only have one night, then why’s Joan bogarting you? Is she getting you off? That’s my job. Where are you? Come to me.
