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Three months ago, Bangkok

I’ve seen death and I fear nothing. That’s the biggest bullshit he sold to me. I died twice, and I really thought he could bring me back to life. But now I know I’m the only one who can take that first breath. To make life worth living again. Without Moon, I have nothing left to live for. He betrayed me. But even after what he did there’s a part of me that still loves him, still wants him.

Fuck, I hate myself.

Staring at the clear night sky I let the warm Bangkok air soothe my feverish skin.

“My life before my life,” I whisper, hoping my voice will pierce his soul like a blade.

My end.

I clutch at my throat. He could easily wrap one hand around my neck and press me against the wall until I choked. Hurting me. Forcing me.

I kept telling him I didn’t want it, convincing myself I didn’t like his abuse, his assault. But my body betrayed me every time he took what he wanted. I feel so ashamed and disgusted that his touch, his hands, were the only ones who could bring me release.

“Why can’t I breathe when you’re not here?” I ask the wind.

Come back to me.

Why did you let me go?

“I miss your touch,” I rasp while I stare at my shaking hands. They’ve been trembling nonstop since I’ve been using the one thing, he swore we would never trade.

I’ve become a fucking opium cliché, I think, as I grip the pipe in my hand. I need it to calm my mind, to sedate my broken heart before the screams drag me under and darkness drowns me again. Wars have been fought over this. Empires have fallen. But not anymore.

The Triad is the empire. He was my empire. My savior, my devil, my demise. “My heart,” I whisper, watching the smoke disappear into the air. I know I’m bound to him in this life and in death; he’s my beginning and my end.

Tears hit my hands and the pipe I’ve been clutching so hard until my scarred knuckles turned white. I take another drag, letting the poison hit my lungs. I slump against the wooden pole of the traditional house on the outskirts of Bangkok that’s been my refuge for these last months. My friend, Boun, from the Bangkok chapter, offered it as a safehouse. He owned me a favor from when I saved him while we were both trainees in Shanghai.

That was all before his eyes caught me. Before he chained me to him. Before he made me his. Before he took away my dignity, my pride, myself.

“There’s nothing left, I’m nothing without you. You took everything from me. The Triad doesn’t care if we live or die. In the end you never did as well,” I tell the rain.

I close my eyes, letting it drench me. To feel something. I’ve been counting down the days until my best friend Dash and I can finally travel to Tokyo. Without her, I wouldn’t be here. She flashes me a soft smile as I watch her smoke a cigarette in the rain before opening the sliding door to go back inside. She looks so much like him. Every day I’m with her reminds me of the man that used to look at me with those same eyes. Eyes that saw everything. That saw me.

I stretch out my hand and watch the droplets hit my scarred palm. “I’ll kill you,” I say, it comes out like a confession, a promise. I press my hand against my chest where he used to touch me. Dash knows the bitter memories that hide in the tears of my heart. The heart that is now shattered because of her blood, the man that gave me life and took it without remorse. I slam my fist against the wood and my skin splits open, but I don’t feel anything.

“I can only look at you now in my dreams,” I whisper, tears filling my eyes, as I stare at my bloodied knuckles. “That’s the only time I feel brave enough to face you.”

I don’t want to close my eyes; afraid I might find you there. Turning my head to the sky I feel the rain wash away my tears, and I know I can’t leave the memories of him behind.

I’ve been searching for you, by losing myself in the smoke until I can’t even see my own hands. To find you I’m unable to find myself and wake up from this nightmare.

“But one day I’ll return to you. I’ll look up at you and see you standing in front of me, and then I’ll take from you the one thing you want the most,” I vow, my heart skipping a beat.

Me.

I throw the pipe across the courtyard, watching it shatter against the tiles. I choke on a sob and slam my fist against my chest, hating that my heart is still beating for him while his no longer does.

I miss him. “I miss us,” I whisper, as a hiccup travels through my body. I close my eyes, listening to the sound of the rain hitting the roof.

“You should stop, bǎobèi1” I hear him whisper in my ear.

I’m not your bǎobèi, I’m not your fucking baby anymore. But still, his deep voice sends chills down my spine. The same voice that used to calm me, now fills me with rage.

“Fuck you!” I yell, as thunder rumbles overhead. I watch as the rain bathes the world in a clear sheer of darkness drowning out every sound but the beating of my own heart.

I lean forward and close my eyes as drops trail over my face, my long hair soaking my shirt. A cloud drifts in front of the moon casting the yard in shadows. I know it won’t be long before I drown myself in the roaring darkness again as I dangle my feet over the edge of the wrap around porch. Back to the nightmares, the screams that kept me up at night while my mind wandered through every moment I spent with him.