Page 165

I gaped at him. “Well… of course.”

Donavyn nodded and walked around his desk to drop into the empty chair alongside mine. He stared at the window he’d just left, and spoke quietly. “Let’s pretend for a moment that I have no authority in your life, that I’m just another man who’s walked this road with a mate, and… who appreciates what you do. Friends. Brothers in arms.”

“I would like that, thank you.”

He nodded again, then leaned his elbows on his knees and stared down at his own hands. “You need to take some time—even after Grace is healed. You need to be with her until she’s ready to do things alone. And then… you need to cry.”

I wasn’t sure what I’d expected, but it wasn’t that. I shifted in my seat. “Thank you, sir—I mean, Donavyn. But… I’m not a crier.”

Donavyn nodded, then turned his head to lock eyes with me. “All the more reason you need to.”

“But—”

“I’ve been there. For different reasons. Over different pains. But I’ve been in that place where life feels so ephemeral—and unimportant by comparison. Yet, it all comes back and you don’t have any choice. Suddenly, it’s real again. So, you move. You get shit done. But there’s a cracked surface under your feet. You try to ignore it, and you pray it doesn’t give. I want to tell you, if you don’t let go, it will.”

“Let go of what?”

“Control.”

I felt shaky, and half-amused. “You think crying will—”

“It’s healing. And sometimes… sometimes it stops the churning.”

I swallowed. He knew about the churning? I shrugged, the muscles at the back of my neck suddenly tight. “I’m not sitting here getting choked up and holding it back. I’ve been there. That’s not what’s happening.”

“I know. That’s the problem. It’s when the pain digs in so deep, you stop feeling it, because you can’t handle it. Except you don’t. It’s there. Just… stifled. That’s not healing, Voski.”

I frowned. Did he want me to be sad? “I’m honestly more relieved than anything right now—Grace is healing. They think she’ll be able to walk around soon. It’ll be weeks before she can mount, but Terra’s confident she’ll get there. And no long-term problems—”

“I’m not talking about Grace. I’m talking about you.”

He stared right at me, so I had to either meet his gaze, or make it obvious I was avoiding it. I cleared my throat and met his eyes.

“Look, I hear you. The churning? I get it. But I don’t know what to say. If I need to cry, I will. I’m just… not a weeper.”

“Neither am I. But I’m telling you, I’ve walked this road. You need the freedom to hear that if you let go, you won’t lose everything. It’ll seem like that. Like giving in to a landslide—you think you’ll just get tumbled and buried. And it might even feel that way at the beginning, but I’m here—your friend, your brother, and your Commanding Officer, if that’s what you need—to tell you I think you’re a lot like me. If it’s an order you need, I’ll give you one: You’re a Furyknight. A highly valued one. You’re a good man. A leader. And I have great plans for you. You’ve done some incredible work, and you came through it. I’m proud of you. I’ll support you and Grace—in fact, I have some news for you both, but that’s a different conversation. The point is… I admire you, Voski. I’m grateful to you. And I’m glad we didn’t lose you. But today I’m telling you: You aren’t returning to duties until you’ve released some of the weight of this. When that’s happened, you tell me, and we’ll discuss it. We have a lot to discuss. Until then… I’m holding your pin.”

My jaw dropped. “You’re keeping me stricken from the record?”

He gave me a flat look. “Of course not. I’m keeping you grounded. From duties, at least. Fly with your dragon, by all means. Hell, cry with your dragon. He’ll understand better than most men. But don’t come back to me, asking for a pin, or looking for a roster, until you’ve done it.”

Anger simmered in my chest. “I tell you I’m not a crier—I haven’t cried since I was twelve—and you want to tell me I can’t be a Furyknight until I do it?”

He nodded. “For your own good, and the good of the men who follow you.”

“They don’t follow me if I’m not pinned.”

“They will,” he said easily, then leaned over to clap me on the shoulder. “And when the time comes, when you’ve figured out I was right, you’ll remember this, and you’ll be an even better leader, because when one of your men needs to crack, you’ll make sure he does it. Trust me… life will get better.”

I just stared at him.

But the fucker smiled.

“What’s so funny?” I asked angrily.

His grin got wider. “I just learned what my face looked like fifteen years ago, that’s all. Trust me, it’ll be funny when it’s your turn, too. Now, get the fuck out of my office and go hug your mate.”

Then he got up and walked to the door and opened it. And when I turned around to glare at him, he only smiled and gestured for me to leave.