Page 95
He presses his thumb lightly against my lips, cutting me off. “Don’t apologize for him, love. Never again, okay?” I’m transfixed by the intensity of his emerald eyes on me. I nod, and the corners of his lips lift. “Good.”
Killian presses his forehead against mine, his lips hovering a centimeter above my mouth. “I’m so fucking proud of you, Scar.”
41
Killian
There are some memories that I keep in a special part of my brain. The memories I replay over and over when I need to remind myself of what matters, who I am, what I’m fighting for. The memories that, if I’m lucky, will still be around when I’m old and wasting away, because whether the moment itself was big or small, it changed me in some way.
The first time I got to hold Ronan. The first time I saw Ronan hold Fallon. Painting messy swatches on the kitchen wall with our mom. Driving Fallon to her ex’s house in the middle of the night after he cheated, then speeding away, the three of us laughing, before he woke up and found his car covered in glitter spray paint.
When James reached up and took my hand for the first time. Caitlin, right before she fell asleep, saying, “I wish you could stay here forever, Killian.” The four of us taking our first picture together in front of the Christmas tree.
Scarlett, letting me hold her when I found her crying outside, at the farm. The first time she kissed me—without meaning to, on the couch. The second time she kissed me—on purpose, outside the bar. The first time I tasted her. The first time she fell asleep in my arms. The moment I realized there was nothing in the world that was going to keep me from her.
Hearing her stand up to my dad. Hearing her forgive herself. Hearing her respect herself.
My dad never deserved her. I’m not sure anyone could, but I do know I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to prove I do.
“I’m so fucking proud of you, Scar,” I whisper against her mouth, and she melts into me.
“Thank you. Not just for saying it, but for … everything, really.”
I pull away enough to meet her gaze. Her eyes are watery.
“I know I could’ve gotten here on my own, eventually. Realized all this, figured my shit out. But it’s been a lot easier doing it with you holding my hand through it all,” she tells me, threading our fingers together.
“You could’ve done it on your own, you’re right. But you’ll never have to again, if you don’t want to.”
“I don’t want to. It’s a nice thought, actually, to know that whatever happens now is because I want it and not because I need it. It’s been a long time since I felt like I had that kind of choice.” There’s a wistful edge to her voice that reminds me of her telling me about her dream house.
“The world’s wide open, love. Whatever you want.”
Scarlett swallows and runs her hands up my chest, settling on my racing heart. “I just want you.”
“Yeah?”
She bites her lip apprehensively. “Yeah. I know it’s complicated—”
“It’s not that complicated,” I interrupt and she gives me a skeptical look.
“There’s a lot we have to talk about.”
“That’s true. So, let’s talk about it.”
“Now? I have a lot of … worries,” she says, her eyes wide.
“I don’t think we should go into the New Year with questions or worries, love,” I say, placing my hand atop hers on my heart.
“No, you’re right. Okay. Well.” She looks up, squinting at the sky like she’s hoping it’ll tell her where to start. When it gives her nothing, she sighs and squares her shoulders. “I don’t want more kids.”
That’s not what I expected her to say. I never even considered that she would want more kids. “You got it pretty damn perfect the first two times, Scar. Why mess with that?”
“Exactly. And I don’t know if you want kids, but I think you’d be an amazing dad. So, if you do want that, I can’t give it to you. I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need to apologize. I’ve never felt strongly either way on having kids,” I promise. “I like them, obviously, and I like the idea of guiding them and helping them grow in the world, but I don’t need to have them to do that.”
“But I have Caitlin and James. I know you’re their brother, and we’re going to have to explain everything to them eventually, but, if you’re with me, you’ll also kind of be their stepdad.”
