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She doesn’t speak. Instead she tightens her hold on my hand. Never letting go.
Then she waits.
On a breath, I continue, talking in detail about that day for the first time. “I have no idea how they found out about our past, but the reporter kept asking my mom if my father had ever been physically abusive toward her or us kids. Without waiting for her to respond, which she would have refused to do, the asshole asked how long it had been going on and if she thought it would affect my career as a football player. I wasn’t supposed to be home that day, but we had a bye that week and I needed some time away from college. I could hear his accusatory questions from inside the house. And I’ve never experienced rage like I felt in that moment. It was as though I was having an out-of-body experience.”
My breathing picks up speed at the memory, the moment feeling all too real.
“I ran out to stand with her just as the asshole accused her of not being able to protect her kids. And I lost it. I got in his face, there was yelling from me and the reporter, and screaming from my mom. She tried to get between us to protect me at the same time the guy shoved me backward, and Mom fell to the ground. It all happened so fast, but I hurt her, Lily. It was all my fault.”
“No. You reacted how anyone would have. You—”
“He wouldn’t have been there if I wasn’t in the spotlight. She was finally starting to love life again, and a few fucked-up questions sent her spiraling back. Because of me.” I shake my head and bite down on my cheek, staving off the emotion trying to break me again. “I didn’t protect mom or Henley when Dad was around, and then I made it worse for her when he was finally gone.”
“Beckett.” Lily crawls into my lap, and I stiffen as she cups my face in her hands, her gaze boring into mine. “As a mother myself, I can tell you that your mom never would have expected you to protect her. Ever. That wasn’t your job.”
“He wasn’t the same with me. He never…” My voice breaks and I trail off to clear my throat. “Not that it makes him any less of a monster. He may not have been hard on me, but he was emotionally abusive to Mom and Henley. He never showed them the kind of respect he showed me, and I never noticed. In fact, I thought I was the one suffering because he was only good to me if I was winning.”
“Henley’s shared a bit about your dad, and I can promise you, she never once blamed you for what he did.”
“Because she’s a better person than I am.” I glance down and Lily lifts my face, forcing me to look in her eyes, the same thing I’ve done to her many times before.
“No, Beckett, because you were not to blame. Just like you’re not to blame for the media.”
Her intense gaze has me swallowing a lump in my throat. Mom said something similar, but it’s hard to accept it as truth.
“That doesn’t stop them from hurting you.” More images threaten to derail me but I focus on Lily’s face, the dusting of freckles over her nose, the rose color of her lips. I almost smile until I’m hit with a visual of her lying on the floor, with Ava screaming beside her. “I can’t do that to you.”
“You can’t stop it. We’re not together now and they still photographed me.”
“Exactly. Imagine how worse it would be if we were?”
“So you came to tell me you want me but that we can’t be together. Again?”
“No. That wasn’t the plan. I…” I trail off, because I don’t fucking know the right thing to do here.
Atlas’s words come back to mind and I swallow a lump in my throat.
“We’ll talk through it every step of the way.”
Fuck. Why can’t I do this?
“Did Henley ever say why she thought I withdrew from everyone?” I ask, moving the conversation away from my feelings.
Lily nods slightly. “She always said that it was because you got wrapped up in your own world and wanted to focus, but it was obvious she thought it was more than that. You never told her?”
“I never told anyone. Instead, I distanced myself from my family and friends and gave the media and my team anything they wanted. If they asked me to jump, I asked how high. If they wanted an interview, I happily obliged. A photoshoot? Sure, why not. When the questions got personal, I gave an honest response—about my current situation. I told them I was loving my new life in Colorado and excited for the future. I talked about my teammates as friends, though I never felt anything close to the connection I had with my high school and college teammates and my friends back home. Day in and day out, I told myself I was doing the best for the people I cared about by pretending I no longer cared. And they all believed it. I was that good of an actor.”
An incredulous laugh escapes me. I changed overnight and they all believed me. Or at least, I thought they did. Turns out, I was wrong.
“Ever since you came along, it’s been a lot harder to preserve the walls I’d spent so long erecting. You pushed past my shield and saw through my armor. I’ve never felt more vulnerable than I do with you, but I’ve also never felt so at peace. And so scared.” I whisper the last part as tightness fills my chest, like a fist clenching around my heart, and I struggle to hold Lily’s gaze. “I feel like a prisoner in my own goddamn head sometimes. I don’t want to feel this way, but no matter how hard I try to escape, I’m trapped. I don’t know how to change, Lily. I wanted to. I want to. I’d give anything to be the right man for you and Ava. But I don’t think that I can be.”
Especially not after today.
Chapter Twenty-Six
BECKETT
Lily lifts my face again as the tears in her eyes finally start to fall. “I don’t think anyone wants you to change.” She quickly wipes her cheeks as she sits tall, tucking her hair behind her ears. “I don’t want you to change. I happen to like the man you are now. And the fact that you walked away because you wanted to protect your family, to protect me and Ava, speaks volumes as to just how perfect you are.”
