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“I can breathe, but I’m not okay.”

“Can we talk about it?”

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I know. You’ve been saying that from the very beginning. But you came back today. Why?”

“I did. I wanted to talk to you about my past. To see if we could work things out.”

“And now?”

“Now I realize that desperately wanting to be with you doesn’t change the fact that it’s wrong.”

“You want to be with me?” She smiles and I huff out a laugh.

“I do,” I admit. “So fucking much.”

Lily gives me a small nod, and my heart strains against my rib cage, pounding in time with my rapid pulse. “Will you tell me why it’s wrong?” she asks softly. “Please.”

I nod while my chest burns. I came back to beg her to give us a go—I wasn’t the only one that questioned whether or not we could possibly make this work—only now I’m worried she’ll want more. And I’m not sure I can give it to her. Not anymore.

“Is there somewhere we can sit?” I rasp, delaying the inevitable.

“Of course.” Lily directs me to the back office and I sit at the far end of the couch, giving her space if she needs it. She sits at the other end but angles her body to face me, crossing her legs onto the cushion and tucking her hands in her lap.

She lets out a shaky breath before rushing to apologize. “Sorry, I’m a little nervous.”

“Why?”

“Because, if I’m honest, I’ve never felt this strongly about anyone before, and I don’t know where this is going.”

A stabbing pain strikes me in the chest but I hold strong.

“I guess that’s my cue then. Though if I’m honest, I don’t know where this is going either.” I smile, fully aware that our words have different meanings. She doesn’t know where the conversation is going, and I don’t know where my head is at. But I’ll never know if we don’t talk about it.

Lily manages a smile of her own and I square my shoulders, ready to launch right into it. Until I can’t. “Fuck, I really don’t know where to start.”

“The beginning?” Lily’s smile softens and I nod, blowing out a breath.

“Okay. The beginning. Well, without sounding full of myself…” I pause with my lips curling awkwardly, making Lily laugh. “Sorry. No. There’s no avoiding it. This is going to sound like I’m full of myself. But…it’s safe to say, I’ve been a hot topic in the media since I was in college.” I clench and unclench my fists as I speak, knowing what’s coming, but something in Lily’s gaze eases the tension inside me, making it easier. “During my senior year, that interest grew rapidly out of my control. As soon as the scouts turned up at my games, my entire life was thrust into the spotlight. Not only did they scrutinize how I played each week, they commented on who I was dating, or wasn’t dating, what I was wearing, whether or not I attended a particular frat party that weekend...everything. Every aspect of my world was dissected for anyone to discuss. And it sucked.”

I huff out a laugh, and Lily’s eyes turn sympathetic, silently encouraging me to keep going.

“I tried hard to take it in stride. After all, it was part of making it to the pros, and that’s all I’d wanted for as long as I could remember. But it was exhausting, and eventually, I pushed back. Instead of the obedient player I’d once been, I started snapping in interviews, or answering with half-assed responses. I was rude and abrupt, and always trying to divert their attention anywhere but on me. I was hoping they’d lose interest and only report the bare minimum. I wanted to piss them off, like they were doing to me. I never considered it would lead them to seek their gossip elsewhere.”

Try as she might to remain stoic, Lily’s lips part as she leans in, her gaze wide.

I clear my throat and angle my body to face her, making our knees brush. I’m just about to apologize when she curls her hand around my leg, giving it a squeeze.

“Go on,” she encourages, her smiling eyes giving me life as I nod.

“They turned their attention to my mom,” I rasp and clear my throat to keep going. “It started small with questions about my career and personal life, asking her to tell everyone how proud she was. In the beginning, she told me she didn’t mind it, because she was proud and she understood why people were so interested in my career. She laughed it off. At least, until the day a reporter and camera crew accosted her in front of her house. They’d followed her home from work to ask her about my dad. Not me. My dad.” I pause, choking up as the emotion of that day makes me shake uncontrollably.

Lily lifts to her knees and slides closer, linking our fingers. She presses a kiss to my knuckles and I follow the movement, lifting my gaze to hers.

“Do you want to say more?” she asks hesitantly. “Or…”

I nod, though I’m not sure I’ll be able to get the words out. Still, I want to try.