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‘Is that why you were afraid to take on Will?’ Horse asks, taking me by surprise. Although I shouldn’t be surprised – it’s Horse, the most direct person I know.

‘I wasn’t afraid! I was . . . it was a surprise. Okay, I was nervous. Worried about keeping him safe, because I had no idea how to look after a child. And . . .’ I swallow. ‘I lost ours.’

Horse tilts his head to each side, cradling the mug in both hands.

‘You did your best. It wasn’t your fault.’

I sigh.

‘I wish I felt that. I wish I could have given Paddy the family he wanted. The family we wanted. He would have been a wonderful dad. Maybe they would’ve had his singing voice.’

‘And maybe they wouldn’t,’ says Horse. ‘Maybe they wouldn’t have been like that at all. I don’t think I was ever the son my mother wanted me to be – I didn’t like school, couldn’t take all that sitting in classrooms. I wanted to be outside. It’s how I got into biking, I suppose. That feeling of freedom and being who I am. But it doesn’t mean she didn’t love me for who I was. She was always there for me. When I broke my leg in a crash, she was the one who looked after me. She was my rock when I needed her, and I did my best to be hers before she died. She never judged. There’s no point in wondering about the what-ifs.’

We sit in silence, admiring the stars and the tree. It’s dark now, and the decorations glow in the moonlight.

‘I don’t think you get over grief. You just learn to live with it, and remember the love,’ I say. It feels as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders as I’ve allowed myself to let Paddy back in, instead of hiding my grief as the years have passed.

‘You do,’ Horse agrees. I can feel the warmth of his body close to mine. Right now, this is exactly where I want to be.

‘It’s good to celebrate those we loved, even if it wasn’t for as long as we would have liked. And to remember that they’d want us to find love again,’ he says.

And I find myself thinking of Nadiya and realizing that Horse may well already have found exactly that. I wonder what his wish on the tree was, and find myself wishing that it had been me.

Chapter 29

‘So the starlet dancers are all ready, and the drummers,’ says Lara. ‘Santa’s grotto is nearly done.’

‘We’ll need another generator for lights in there,’ says Luke as we sit around the kitchen table. One of the puppies, Nosy, sits on his lap playing with a cut-out paper star, and another, Angel, is fast asleep on Lara’s. ‘And the dressing rooms are nearly there, in the studio above the barn.’ Will is sitting, with his hair on end, fresh from a good night’s sleep, listening and taking it all in.

‘Well, looks like we’re nearly all ready for opening on Sunday!’ I say, a fizz of excitement running through me. ‘Just two days to go.’

We look around at each other and beam.

‘One last Christmas,’ I say, looking out of the window. I see the robin perched there, pecking at crumbs of leftover naan bread from last night’s dinner.

‘Cheers!’ says Will, holding up the mug of tea that he’s come to like in the mornings, and we all laugh.

‘Cheers, Will!’ we say, and I can’t help but think how all this has happened because of this young boy arriving in our lives to spend Christmas here at Christmas Tree Farm.

The farmhouse door opens without a knock or any warning; Tegan and Dinky jump up, barking, waking the puppy on Lara’s lap. The puppies start to bark and pee at the same time, and Will startles and spills his tea.

‘Morning!’ says Scarlett, holding up a hand to wave.

‘Hi!’ I say, reaching for the tea towel on the rail of the Aga to mop up the spilt drink. ‘Come in. Sorry, mind the mess . . .’ I make a welcoming gesture with my free hand, but Scarlett doesn’t look as if she wants to come in. ‘We didn’t hear you arriving,’ I say.

‘I’m trying out an electric car. A sponsorship thing. Had to turn the heaters off the other day, just to make sure I got home on enough power.’

She looks around the table. Luke stands up with the puppy under his arm and goes to kiss her, but she offers him her cheek and doesn’t even look at the puppy, which makes me bristle.

‘Hope it’s okay to drop in like this,’ she says with a tight smile. She looks Luke up and down, taking in his jeans and worn-in leather boots. ‘This seems to be the only place I can find Luke these days. Looks like he’s taken to life on the farm.’ She flicks a look at Lara. ‘So I thought I’d come and help out myself.’

All the joy seems to have been sucked out of the room, as if by a turbo-charged vacuum cleaner.

‘Of course! I’m sorry, we do seem to have commandeered him. You must have been wondering where he’s been!’

‘Looking after these fellas until they’re ready to leave their mum, for one,’ Luke says, holding up Nosy and rubbing noses with him. ‘And they’re all doing great,’ he adds. ‘They’ve got their own little personalities now. This one is Nosy, because he’s so inquisitive. And the one on Lara’s lap is Angel . . .’

But instead of looking at the puppies, Scarlett is looking at Dinky, who sits by the Aga, not moving.