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Love From Christmas Tree Farm

Page 72

by Jo Thomas

‘For my grandfather,’ says Luke, hanging up a sock he’s made into a red stocking with a cotton wool top to it.

And finally, ‘For my mum,’ says Horse, producing his own simple but effective ornament made from a little cup and saucer. He’s glued them together and filled the cup with birdseed.

We all stand and look at our memory ornaments.

‘And our wishes,’ says Will. And we pull out our cards, with ribbons stuck to them, and he puts them on his favourite tree next to Paddy’s tree, where they flutter gently in the late afternoon breeze.

Then we make hot chocolate with marshmallows in the hut. When it’s ready, Horse and I sit together on the little veranda of Ty Coed, where he’s set out two chairs. Luke and Lara and Will are playing hide and seek amongst the trees.

‘That was lovely, doing the ornament for your mum,’ I say, stirring a hot chocolate with just the right amount of brandy in it.

He nods.

‘She passed some years ago now. Wish I’d spent more time with her when she was alive, really. I feel I let her down.’

‘Let her down? How?’

He lets out a long breath.

‘When I was young, I had a girlfriend. She wanted to settle down, and I just wasn’t ready. She told me she was pregnant. It was very early days. I didn’t know what to do. I knew my mum would welcome them both in, like she always did with my friends, neighbours. She made room for everyone. But I wasn’t ready. I didn’t know what to do. I broke off the relationship and went away to work.’

We sit in silence for a moment.

‘And?’

‘She went on to meet someone else. Settled down. Had another child, or maybe two, I think.’

‘And the baby?’

He shakes his head.

‘I don’t even know if she knows I exist. I was a coward; I ran.’

‘You could still get in touch.’

‘I know. I’ve thought about it, often; but actually, I don’t think it would be fair. It’s my guilt to live with, and I’ll always regret that I didn’t make more of an effort at the time. But she grew up with a father, one who was there for her. Even though I’m her biological father, he’s her dad. It’s not my place to try and muscle in now, upset the applecart.’

‘Is that why you never stay in one place?’

‘I suppose. I just got used to being on the road. It’s what I deserved, or so I thought.’

‘Everyone deserves to feel they have roots.’

‘Not me. I don’t have any.’

We fall silent for a few moments.

‘So you and Paddy were hoping for family?’ he says.

I nod.

‘I could get pregnant. That wasn’t the hard part. It was keeping them inside me that was the difficult bit. Praying they’d stay safe in there until it was their time to be born . . . and knowing every time when they hadn’t, before the signs.’

A tear falls into my hot chocolate, and I look down at it.

‘I always felt I’d let them down somehow, too. Didn’t do enough to look after them.’

Across the clearing, Luke and Lara burst out laughing as Will jumps on them in their hiding place; Tegan and Dinky bark with excitement.