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‘We are not a couple, Gareth, nor will we ever be. Me living in your house was meant to be as a friend, a house share. Not as a couple! I’m sorry if you thought it could ever be anything more. But Will is my responsibility, not yours.’

He sniffs.

‘I’m just passing on my experience. Once he gets into school, he’ll forget about you. Make his own companions. Find his own way. He won’t need you. Or that spice tin.’

Something rises up in me once more: a swelling in my heart, the roar of a lioness protecting one of her pack.

‘Over my dead body,’ I say in a low voice I don’t recognize, almost a growl.

Gareth gives a little laugh.

‘You’re being over-dramatic,’ he says, fuelling my rage yet again. ‘Paddy would—’

‘Over-dramatic?’ I say evenly. I turn away, holding onto the edge of the glazed white sink, and look out onto the yard again. The fat, fiery-chested robin is still there. I focus on him as I say, slowly and clearly, ‘I think you’d better leave, Gareth.’

‘Like I said, this is all a bit much for you. You’re tired. Listen to yourself, talking like this—’

‘Like what? Like someone who feels they should be doing the right thing?’

‘He’s not even your family,’ he says, throwing out a hand in exasperation. ‘He’s Paddy’s. Paddy isn’t here. He’s in the past. I’m here.’

I glare at him.

‘No, you’re right, he’s not. Paddy’s not here. And you’re not Paddy, nor ever will be. I’m sorry you’re on your own, Gareth, but you can’t just move in to where Paddy once was. I loved Paddy with all my heart. Everything about him, mostly his big heart. He’d do anything to be kind, including being a friend to you when you found yourself on your own. It’s what Paddy did. He helped people. Cared about them. Brought them into his world and welcomed them with open arms, as if it was Christmas Day no matter the time of year. Paddy isn’t here, but I know what he would do if he was. And it’s not sending a frightened child off to that dreadful school because it’ll straighten him out.’

There is a short pause as I take a deep breath, gathering myself.

‘We’ve been good friends, Gwen. Let’s not spoil that. But I think you’re wrong. I feel very strongly, based on my experience of bringing up my own boys, that children need discipline and routine. We’re going to need to agree on this to make our new living arrangements work. He can’t be living at home full time and hugging a spice tin. It makes him look foolish! And me for that matter.’

I say slowly, ‘If you’re asking me to choose, Gareth . . .’

‘I am, actually. I’m saying the only way this can work for us all is if he goes to the school. It’s a very good school. We’re lucky to get him in. Especially with his lack of education. It’s very good of them to agree.’

‘Good of them? Charging me for the “privilege” of taking an amount of individuality out of him? Stripping him of all affection and empathy, squashing all his emotions, until one day he’ll just explode? I know I went along with it at first – I know you meant well, and I wanted to believe it could work. But I can see now that it really isn’t going to.’

‘Look, if this is about the money, you’ll have plenty left over once this place is sold, and we’ll be sharing the bills at my place.’

I shake my head.

‘Honestly, Gwen, I think it’s the only answer. It’s this or, well . . .’

As I form a reply, I find I’m more certain than I’ve ever been about anything.

‘I’m choosing Will,’ I say firmly. ‘It’s me and Will. If that’s what you were going to say. That’s all that matters right now. And I don’t care if I’m the oldest one at the school gates. At least I’ll be there for him, which by the looks of it, not many others have been in his life.’

He stares at me, a look of disbelief on his face.

‘Are you actually saying what I think you’re saying?’

I nod, slowly and firmly.

‘Yes, Gareth, I am. I’m sorry. Thank you for the offer, but it won’t work for Will or for me.’

‘But . . .’ He gives another slight laugh of disbelief. ‘What will you do? You’ve already lost your deposit on the flat. And you have a sale agreed on this place. As you said, it’s too big for you to manage on your own. Just think about it.’

I look around.

‘I’ve done nothing but think about it, Gareth. And now I have decided. I know that what you are suggesting isn’t right. For any of us. I’m going to do this on my own.’