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Niall was familiarizing himself with the accounts and other matters of the clan, trying to decide how Fraser had spent the coin that had been flowing through the clan. He furrowed his brow at some of the decisions his brother had made, and it didn’t strike him as surprising that the clan had largely remained unchanged from when he had left. It seemed as though Fraser had only been concerned with the military strength of the clan and hadn’t put the required attention into other matters of trade, nor had he spread the influence of the clan out in the territory either. Most of the money they made was from raids against bandits, which was all well and good until the bandits realized that they were never going to make any money themselves and moved on to try for more fertile pastures.

He was interrupted when Tovie burst into the study, flinging the door open as though a gale had pushed it. He looked up from his books and wondered what had gotten her into a rage this time.

“Why didnae ye tell me they were like that?” she asked, flinging a pointed finger in the general direction of outside. Niall gazed at her with a questioning look.

“Who?” he asked.

Tovie rolled her eyes. “Yer clan,” she said. “I hae just been down there and seen the state of them. They’re all malnourished and ill. Why dinnae ye take better care of them?”

Her words were harsh and they sliced under his skin, cutting straight to his heart. He glowered and spoke through gritted teeth. “I did take care of them. That’s why I brought them here.”

“But look at them all. Look at what they hae been through. How could ye dae it?”

He rose from his chair and loomed over her, although she did not seem fazed by it at all. “I hae done more for those people than ye can imagine. I’m nae the villain here.”

“Ye could hae fooled me. If ye knew ye could come back at any time then why did ye wait this long? Why did ye allow them tae suffer? Ye dinnae even hae a healer!” she cried.

“Who told ye about her?” Niall snapped, and suddenly felt vulnerable. Physical blows he could handle, but words and emotions were the difficult things to cope with.

“Laira,” Tovie said, softening a little as she saw how worked up he was becoming. “Her son is ill, and she said that she didnae give him any medicine because she doesnae know what tae give him. How could ye live without a healer?”

Niall placed his palms on the desk and hung his head. Wild thoughts crashed through his mind, and pain lined his heart. He tried to fight back the pain and the images that emerged, but this time he couldn’t push them away. Every word was a struggle, and tension ran through his entire body. “We did hae a healer, but she died suddenly. Unexpectedly. It hit all the clan hard. We dinnae know where tae get another one. People were nae keen on helping us,” he said.

“Why? Surely all ye haed tae dae was ask,” Tovie said.

He looked up and, in that moment, he realized how young she truly was. There was so much of the world she did not understand, and perhaps she never would understand. A dry, cracked laugh rolled between his lips, and he shook his head. “The only reason we hae been welcomed here is because of me, because I am of this land, but even then, I see how people look at my clan. I see how ye look at them. Now think about how strangers would react when they saw us, beggars, the lot of us. Oh aye, they may give us some scraps and perhaps help us tae mend our wagons and heal any wounds we suffered, but would they treat us as people? Would they take us in and feed and clothe us? Nay… We were the wild ones, the ones who lived out there. Parents told stories about us tae their children, and we were always looked upon in fear.”

“Only because ye chose that. Ye were the one who left this place.”

“Aye,” Niall said, and his words were hot in his throat, almost as though he was breathing fire. “Because there was no place for me here. My mother haed died, my father haed remarried and haed another child, and where did that leave me? Whenever he looked at me all he saw was the woman he haed lost, sae he began tae ignore me. My stepmother never cared for me either because she could tell that my father still loved mother, and Fraser…well…Fraser always wanted what I haed.

“There was something else for me out there, someone else I could be. I went and found people who were like me, people who didnae belong. We found each other and we formed a bond with each other because we haed suffered through the same thing. I know it must be hard for ye tae understand because ye haed gone from living with yer parents tae living with yer husband, and aye, I’m sorry for taking him from ye, but I knew the only way I was gaeing tae get my people tae safety was tae become the laird here.

“Ye hae no idea how I hae suffered, lass. We did try and build a village. We tried tae mind our own business, but there were always people that came tae try and take what we haed because they thought we were weak. And they succeeded. They burned it down until there was nothing but ash in the air, and I cannae ask them tae keep rebuilding and rebuilding when everyone seeks tae burn what we build tae the ground.

“We hae lost sae many people as well. I know ye must mourn yer husband, aye, and that’s one of the few things we hae in common. But think of the pain ye are feeling and think about how that must feel about friends and loved ones and children, each one of them dying because we lived in a harsh world, because we were shunned by everyone else, and then tell me what lengths ye would gae tae in order tae keep them safe. Ye dare tell me that I hae nae taken care of them? I hae looked after them as though they are my own blood. I hae spilled my family’s blood for their sake, and that will always be with me, and maybe I’ll be cast down intae hell because of it, but I know that I’ve done it for them. It’s all for them, and my only regret is that I could nae hae done it sooner tae save the rest of them.”

When he stopped speaking, Niall was breathing heavily. His face was crimson, and he could feel his eyes swimming with fervent emotion. He was trembling, and all of his weight was being placed upon the desk. It was made of sturdy oak, but even so, it still creaked under the burden he was placing upon it. As he looked at Tovie, he saw fear in her eyes as well, and he knew that the wild world had taken a lot from him. He was the son of a Laird, a position that often conjured images of nobility and honor, of style and grace and charm… but he possessed none of these things. He was as rough as the jagged rocks that had been his home, and his heart was as dark as the parts of the forest where the sun’s light did not reach. He knew he did not belong in this place, not really, but he had to be here for this clan, and for Tovie to come and dare tell him that he was not taking care of them… she had no idea the price he paid or what he had lost for them. He would have given his life if it was needed, and that was something she would never be able to understand.

“I’m sorry,” she stammered. “I didnae realize ye haed been through sae much.”

“Aye, well, how could ye? Ye are just a wee lass. What could ye know of sorrow? Ye hae gone from living one sheltered life at home tae a sheltered life here. First yer parents took care of ye, and then yer husband. And believe me, I am sorry for killing him. I know ye must hate me for taking away yer future. I know yer heart must hae been full of love for him, and I will mourn him every day for the rest of my life. He was my brother, my kin, and I wish there haed been another way. Ye are free tae mourn in any way ye wish. I may call this place home, but I will never call ye my wife. I hae already lost tae much for that,” he said, assuming that she would have met the news with relief. Frankly, he thought that he could do without her coming in and shouting at him. If they were going to remain married, then so be it, but they could be married in name only. He certainly wasn’t going to challenge her if she dared to try and fashion a life for herself.

She stared at him for a moment before she fled from the room. He slowly sank down in his chair, leaning his head back and pinching the bridge of his nose. The last thing he wanted was a war, but it seemed as though he had gotten himself embroiled in one with her. Speaking about the past had brought up so many idle memories. His heart trembled as he thought of her.

* * *

A smiling face gazed down at him, framed by the stars. The air was sweet and clear, and her kisses were soft. The ground was hard underneath his body, and his wounds still ached, but somehow the pain didn’t seem as intense as it had been before. She was a healer in more ways than one, and Niall knew that he was lucky to have found her. Somehow even being in this harsh place was not enough to stem the flow of love in his heart. Being with her made anything seem possible, even being happy.