Page 16 of See Through

Fuck.

“I am such an idiot!” I slam a pillow over my face as I lie back on my futon. “We’re friends, Maven. How does this end any other way than us losing each other?”

“Why are you always thinking about how badly things could end? For all you know, this could end the best way.”

“Because everything near me ends up being bad. First Adrian, then Dean got hurt, and maybe you should stop hanging out with me because⁠—”

“Don’t go there.” She squeezes my hand again. “Adrian’s death was not your fault.”

My teary eyes find hers. I don’t know where this came from, but all I feel is my grief. I thought I had a handle on it, but it’s always lingering, waiting for me to remember what happened, to remember how I wasn’t there for him. “He was my twin brother.”

“And his death was not something you could have seen coming or stopped. It’s not your fault you were away at college.”

“Twenty minutes away, Mave. There were twenty minutes between me and my brother when he died.”

“Even if you were at home, what do you think you could’ve done?”

I shake my head. I know she’s right. Adrian died as soon as he hit the floor, but some part of me will always think that maybe if I was there, I could have done something. “I don’t know.”

“I know the feeling, Aubs. I promise you, there’s nothing you could have done.” Another squeeze. “Did you ever tell Dean about the ultimatum?”

I shake my head. “It felt pointless. I knew I was going to break up with Shane, so why tell him about it?”

“I can understand that, but I think the last year would have looked a lot different if he had known about it.”

“You think?”

She nods, no doubt getting up to get me some water. “I do, and I know you’re freaking out about possibly losing your friendship, but I don’t see that happening.”

“Why not?” That is the thing I’m most worried about. It’s what kept me up the entire night while I watched him sleep silently on my shoulder, and then eventually as I moved him to my lap.

If I lose Dean, I don’t know what I would do. I don’t even want to think about what my life would look like without him in it.

“He’s been friends with you for how long? And you guys have been fine, though I can’t remember a time when he wasn’t looking at you as if you were his entire world. You guys would survive, but I like to think on the bright side, and if anyone would make it, it would be you two.”

“Maybe I should tell him about these feelings,” I whisper. The thought of that conversation sends shocks all through my body. I’m not the best at confrontation, even when it’s not confrontation. I guess I should say I’m not the best at speaking about things that could cause change.

Because the minute I bring it up, that’s what’s going to happen—things are going to change. Our entire relationship is going to flip, because he may have been pining after me all the years while I sat here oblivious, but once he knows I know, everything will be on the table.

“Maybe you should.” She smiles at me. “God, I’d love to be a fly on the wall when you do.”

“I’m worried. What if I’m misreading everything, and I make a fool of myself?”

“You’ll never know if you don’t try.”

“I hate when you’re right,” I groan as my head hits the pillows. “Can we go get food now and stop talking about the fact that my best friend might be in love with me?”

“Oh, honey, your best friend is in love with you. Dean might have had you first, but the minute you walked into my life, I fell hopelessly, platonically in love with you.”

I grab her hands. “I might have no clue what I’m going to do about possibly swooning over my best friend, but I am, of course, platonically in love with you too.”

As we head out of my place, my arm intertwined with hers, I realize whatever happens between Dean and I in the future has nothing on what Maven and I have. No matter how terrified I am of losing either of them, I can’t see a future where they’re not in my life, and I’m going to carry that with me until I eventually work up the courage to talk to Dean.

For now, I’m going to laugh with my best friend and drink some margaritas. Best night ever.

I stumble back into my apartment with a full heart and a dizzier head than I thought. When I said goodbye to Maven, we hugged for a solid five minutes before the car she called actually started driving away. That’s usually what happens when Maven and I get a little too tipsy—we get emotional. Our goodbye probably looked incoherent to anyone who saw us, but to us, we were thanking each other for the friendship we created.

“You’ve got to shower,” I tell myself. “But first, you have to take some medicine so you don’t wake up with a horrible hangover tomorrow morning.”