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“I can imagine. Where’s Ollie in all this?”

The use of his all-too-familiar nickname makes my lunch threaten to reappear. My face pales. “It’s…complicated.”

“Did you two break up?” He asks bluntly.

“We were never together.”

“Don’t try that with me, Edes. There was something going on.”

“Yeah, okay. There was. But now there isn’t. Can we change the subject?”

Jake blows air out of his nose, unhappy to let it go. Like a dog with a bone sometimes, I swear. “Fine. I got my license.”

“What! Jake, that’s great! Why didn’t you tell me you were going for it?”

He looks away, and that’s when it clicks. “Jake, I’m so sorry. I was meant to message you about your birthday today, but I’ve just been so—”

“Busy? Yeah, I know.” Silence hangs between us.

“I’m coming back after exams,” I offer. “We can do whatever you want as a birthday treat, okay?”

“Will Oliver be coming back?” Jake pushes again.

“I don’t know,” I respond, voice small. I twirl a pen in my fingers, praying that my chromatography notes below me can give me the answer to my boy troubles. It can’t. “I want him to.”

“Me too.” There’s a pause, and I can tell Jake is turning something over in his head. “Look, Eden, whatever happened between you two I know you can sort it out. He’s met the family. He can deal with your kind of crazy.”

That comment brings a slight smile to my lips. “Okay. I’ve really got to get back to studying though. I love you, Jake. Happy birthday.”

“I love you too.” He hangs up the call, and I’m left alone once again.

* * *

My alarm goes off far too early for my liking. I groan and rub my face, trying to figure out why I set it for this time. 6am. Insane.

But when I pick up my phone to turn it off, that all-too-familiar stomach clench of anxiety kicks in. Exam day. And my exam is at 9am. I didn’t want any chance of missing it, hence the early alarm.

Groaning again, I convince my unwilling body to get out of bed. To go to the bathroom and jump in the shower. I stand there for what feels like hours, steam rising up around me as I stare into the nothingness.

Today is what this entire semester has been leading up to. In fact, what my entire degree has been leading up to. If I fail… Well, I can kiss any sort of Honours Scholarship goodbye, even without an application. And then my doctorate. And then all this would have been for nothing. All the late nights, the hours spent crouched over a microscope. Forgetting my brother’s birthday.

Forgetting my brother’s birthday.

That doesn’t help my headache. In fact, I think it gets worse. I blindly reach for my glasses as I hop out of the shower. I brush my teeth, wash my face, brush my hair. The usual stuff. Then why does my hand struggle to hold onto my hairbrush? Why is my heart beating so fast? Grabbing both sides of my sink I lean forward, taking a deep breath. Everything will be alright. I just have to get through today. But what of tomorrow? What then?

My chest aches when I think about Oliver, all those hours we spent together. I’ve been pouring over his notes, and I can swear I can hear his voice as he reads them, as though he’s sitting beside me right now. The playful tone he adapts when he forces us to read the dialogue out loud. How he would explain things in a million ways just to make sure I could understand. He was like a fucking ray of sunshine, and it makes me grimace.

I grab whatever clothes yesterday-me decided would be good enough for the exam and slide into them, shaking my head, trying to dislodge the thought of him. Comfy jeans and my university jumper. Converse. Easy. Simple. Then why do my hands shake when I go to tie up my laces?

Looking back, I check to make sure I haven’t forgotten anything. Greg stares back at me from the bed, his beady judgemental eyes boring into mine.

“What?”

Greg says nothing. Not surprising for a sushi cat. I’m starting to regret bringing him home from the farm, but I wanted to savour the memories that Oliver and I shared there. Those are too special to give up.

I’m far too deep in my head even for my own comfort as I make my way towards the exam hall. Tucking my hands into the end of my sleeves, it’s only once I’m out of the door that I realise this isn’t my jumper. It’s his. How did I not notice the way it smelt earlier? The smell of Oliver fills my nostrils, and it feels like the night we spent together on the farm, curled up against each other. Sighing, I decide there’s not enough time to turn back and change. I’ll just have to deal with it. And deal with the thoughts that it brings back up.

It’s a short walk from the student accommodation, but not long enough for me to fully clear my head, trying to shake the memories of being wrapped up in his arms.