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She frowned as she looked me over. “You look like you haven’t gotten a minute of sleep.”

“I can’t stop thinking about her, Elle,” I said quietly. “Is that mad? She hates the ground I tread, and yet I can do nothing but love her.”

Eliza sighed, shaking her head. “So you’ve settled on love, have you?”

“Well, she clearly doesn’t feel the same way.” I stared into my wine, looking for the answer to too many questions. “I don’t know. I feel … foolish.”

“We’re all fools in love. That’s why you should listen to your elder—”

“Elder?” I said, raising a brow.

“—when I say that you need healthy boundaries. She shouldn’t get to talk to you any way she likes and just expect you to accept it.”

I sighed. “My boundaries have never mattered to my knight before.”

“Stop that.” She gripped my chin in her hand. “Despite what’s happened, Cali does love you. She will listen to you. And if not, she doesn’t deserve you. You are worthy of respect, Beric, and the one who doesn’t give it to you can never be worthy of your love.”

I took in her words, desperately trying to believe them. It just seemed so improbable. That a knight would respect me as a person. And yet, whether or not Cali wanted me, I felt eternally bound to her in a way I couldn’t begin to understand. It was wrong, surely, that I could feel more obsessive passion for this girl than I’d ever felt for God. I hardly knew her, besides. It was utterly irrational.

“Maybe it’s not love at all,” I said, shrugging. “My stomach is in knots. I feel sick, not being near her. Love shouldn’t hurt this much, should it?”

Eliza paused. “Cali felt sick this morning too.”

The trumpets drew our attention, and as the king entered, I reluctantly removed my earplugs. I didn’t need them anyway, the room had fallen silent. Everyone was still nervous from yesterday, I was sure, but this felt normal to me—the king doing the bare minimum, as he always did. He went straight to his throne, where his wineglass had already been waiting for him in anticipation of his toast.

The king giving the first toast at the queen’s birthday was a tradition, one I knew Kat wished would die—despite her apparent devotion to the king and royal traditions, she hated being the center of attention.

“Let us raise a toast,” he said, lifting his glass, “to our beloved Queen Katarine on her birthday.”

I began my usual prowl around the room. It was still my job, whether or not Cali wanted me as her squire. I would continue to do things as I’d done for ten years. Besides, Cali hating me felt more normal. As I knew a knight to behave.

I would just have to get over my feelings for her.

And yet, I found myself drawing ever closer to her as I made my way through the crowd. As everyone laughed at jokes I didn’t take in and clapped at wonderful things said about Kat, all I could see was Cali with that gorgeous lively smile, whispering with Faline and laughing.

She doesn’t want you anymore, Beric. Stop pining.

Still, I was standing behind her by the time I came to my senses. She must not have seen me approach, because she didn’t move away. I fought not to notice her, and yet I could smell her perfume every time she moved her dress or fussed with her hair.

It’s Kat’s birthday. Focus on Kat’s birthday.

Kat was currently slicing into her giant cake, to raucous cheers, and I suddenly regretted walking into the middle of the crowd without my earplugs in.

I held them at the ready but paused when the king said, “And now for the first dance. Traditionally, it’s begun by us and the birthday girl, but that won’t be happening tonight. Instead, we shall—”

He fell silent, the crowd waiting on his lost words. It was a silence that made my skin crawl. Yesterday had been strange enough. But I had rarely seen him stray from his public scripts—his memorized niceties that, above all, kept his public appearances as short as possible. But no one seemed to sense danger, all smiles—until I met Kat’s gaze. There was a subtle widening of her eyes, asking me to act.

I stepped around Cali. The king caught my movement and continued his speech. And emotion was evident in his voice, even though his face was hidden. “We’ve been putting this off all day, so that you might enjoy your celebration. We must apologize, Kat, but … we’d prefer to retire early.”

I released a breath, the burning and tightness in my chest wearing off quickly. As essentially third-in-command, it was my duty to escort Kat in the first dance in the absence of the king.

I went up the stairs to the throne and held my arm out to her. She took it quickly, and when we’d turned from the king, I could see the relief in her eyes. Her chest heaved, as if she’d been holding her breath. I escorted her down the stairs and the crowds parted so we could reach the center of the floor.

“We must apologize, Kat,” the king repeated.

CHAPTER35BERIC

I looked over my shoulder, just in time to watch the king snap his fingers. There was no time to cry out, no time to block his magic. Instead there was a horrifying crunching sound, and I felt the distinct wet warmth of blood hit the side of my face.