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What, exactly, did she want?

The business, of course, a little voice answered her.

Well, he gave you that, she answered herself.

With him, though. I want him as my business partner.

Phoebe knew that was true enough. But there was something else. Something that felt both brand-new and ancient. She felt as though her chest had cracked open and her heart was exposed to the world, and as much as she desperately wanted to stitch herself back together, she knew she couldn’t.

It physically pained her to form the words even in the privacy of her own mind. Because this was not part of the plan. Because she had ruined everything. And because admitting it made her vulnerable to more risk, more pain, than she’d ever known before. She exhaled slowly and rested her forehead on the table.

It was time to be honest with herself. No more running from the truth.

She was in love with Jonathan Lee.

Chapter 36

Arden

She had done it. She had said goodbye to Sam, locked up Phoebe’s apartment, and gotten on the bus that would take her to the train.

As she gazed out the bus window at the drizzly Seattle streets, she felt unexpectedly proud of herself. Here she was, on a bus in a city she’d never been to until a week ago, calm and confident. She wasn’t startled by the spectrum of humanity on the bus with her or by the cars whooshing past, their drivers unfazed by the rain. She knew she would get off at the correct stop, would get on the train going in the correct direction toward the airport.

And, if she ignored the heavy ache in her heart, she was proud of the way she’d handled everything with Sam. From their first meeting to the time they’d spent together—and the things they’d done—to the way they’d said goodbye, she felt like she was becoming the Arden she wanted to be. The Arden she’d had in mind when she’d written her list. Confident, open, curious, and brave.

Because it had been brave to let Sam in, to risk getting her heart broken. Was it broken now? Arden directed her attention inward. It hurt, saying goodbye to Sam. More than she’d expected. She couldn’t recall having felt this heaviness in her chest since—well, embarrassingly, since she’d gone through a breakup with her high school boyfriend. Back then, the ache had lessened after a few days and then disappeared completely when she’d redirected her attention toward the unattainable football quarterback. But now, whom was she going to use as a coping mechanism? Because it wouldn’t be Principal Blake, that was for sure.

She briefly imagined making an account on a dating app and swiping through the eligible residents of High Springs. The idea was so unpalatable that it made her feel slightly ill.

She would have to give it time, then. Time healed all wounds, right? So she wouldn’t get over Sam in a matter of days. Surely, by this time next month, she would be feeling more or less back to normal?

At this thought, tears pressed against the back of her eyes. She tried hard to swallow them down. She dug her nails into the palms of her hands. This only served to make her remember the feeling of Sam’s hand in hers. When he’d sat down next to her at The Nutcracker and slipped his warm hand into hers in the dark. She remembered the feeling of elation, of relief, that had erupted in her as he’d settled into the empty seat beside her.

She kept her face toward the window so she wouldn’t have to see the empty bus seat beside her now.

Was she destined to sit alone wherever she went? Would she have an empty seat beside her forever as her friends coupled up and got married and had babies?

I’m sure you’ll get them, Sam had said. And she’d happily accepted his words as fact, but now? Now the idea of finding that with anyone but Sam Keller seemed impossible. Not just impossible but distasteful. She didn’t want to meet someone new, to get to know them the way she’d gotten to know Sam, to go through the necessary steps that came before… everything else. Building a life together.

But—Arden clenched her teeth and took a deep breath—there would be no life together for her and Sam. That was exactly the problem. His life was here, and hers was there. And, she reminded herself, she was proud of how she had handled it. She didn’t want to turn out like her mom—sacrificing the things that made her her just to stay with a guy. Even if that guy was wonderful.

She carried her suitcase off the bus and down a long flight of stairs to the light rail station, triple-checking that she was on the right platform. For a moment, she gazed across the platform at the trickle of people rushing down the stairs, imagining seeing a certain lanky form with wavy brown hair. But even a romantic moment in the train station wouldn’t solve the unsolvable. Arden sighed and gazed down the tracks, waiting for her train.

She arrived at the airport in a swirl of humanity. She had gotten used to the hustle and bustle of the city, but this airport was on another level. People swarmed around the ticket counters, forming lines so long, there was barely room to walk. Arden managed to squeeze through the masses to the end of the TSA line, which was so long, she couldn’t even see the security scanners.

At least they had decorated the place for the holidays. There were baubles hanging from the ceiling, speakers playing peppy Christmas music, and the smell of cinnamon wafting from a nearby Starbucks. Arden heaved another sigh and checked her watch. She had plenty of time.

See, she wanted to say to Sam, this is why you get to the airport well ahead of time. So you don’t have a heart attack when you encounter a long line.

It occurred to her that she could just text this to him. They had never said whether they would keep in touch.

She imagined that she heard someone calling her name—probably her conscience. Because, yeah, they hadn’t said they wouldn’t keep in touch, but it had been implied. They had discussed the concept of attempting a long-distance relationship and decided that it was impossible. Therefore, it followed that a long-distance friendship was pointless.

But was it?

The line moved, and Arden shuffled forward. Maybe they hadn’t discussed this enough. Maybe there was something to the idea of a long-distance friendship. She imagined being able to text Sam random thoughts, things that made her think of him, and it warmed her right through.

With a relationship, there was the expectation that they would eventually want to be together in the same place. With a friendship, there was no such expectation. They could visit each other if they wanted. They could talk as much as they wanted. But each of them could keep their life as it was.