Page 24

“Wow, babe, love looks good on you,” I say, wrapping an arm around her.

“You know, it sure does,” she replies when she pulls back, smiling even wider. But her grin falls a moment later as her eyes narrow on me, traveling over every square inch of my face. “But I’m more interested in what’s going on with you.”

I scoff. “What are you talking about?”

We start walking, and her eyes bore into the side of my head, making me nervous that I’m giving something away. Not that there’s really anything to give away. I mean, Trey and I have only kissed, and I’m determined that it won’t happen again. She reaches her hand out and stops me just before we step up onto the porch, and I turn to her.

“Come on, Addy. Something seems different about you. What is it?”

“Honestly, hun, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I lie, feeling guilty even as the words leave my mouth. There is so much in my life that I would love to tell my best friends but I can’t – for very different reasons. She trains her gaze on me for another moment longer before sighing.

“Don’t think this is forgotten,” she says before stomping up the stairs and into the house. I can’t help but chuckle to myself. It seems that Tucker’s brashness has brought out a side of Daisy that we’ve never seen before, and I have to admit that I kind of like it. She’s got this fire in her now. I remember when we were younger, she would let people walk all over her and use her for their benefit. It’s one of the reasons that I was so protective of both Emma and Daisy but I think she was forced to develop a backbone when Tucker started acting like a jerk last year. Maybe even in his worst moments, he was exactly what she needed.

With a smile on my face, I march up the stairs and pull open the newly repaired screen door, happy chatter enveloping me as soon as I step inside. Nix’s old plantation style home is decorated with soft pastel colors and more blue balloons than I’ve ever seen in my life. Daisy and I planned this whole thing but the set-up fell on her shoulders since I had a project that had to be finished up yesterday. Everything looks amazing though.

“Thank you so much for this,” Emma gushes, coming through a crowd of people to hug me, her growing bump getting in the way.

I laugh and let her go, leaning down, and laying my hands flat against her belly. “This has got to be the cutest bump I’ve ever seen,” I say to her, and she beams, happiness practically radiating off her. I look back at her belly and rub my hands across it. “Hello, boys, it’s your Aunt Addy. You listen up, you little trouble makers, it’s important to be nice to your mama, you hear me? And always remember that Aunt Addy is your favorite, mmkay?”

Emma laughs, her whole belly shaking, and I stand up just as Nix steps up next to her and wraps his arm around her shoulders, pulling her in, and planting a kiss on her head.

“Startin’ ‘em early, huh, Ad?” he asks, and I nod.

“Damn right I am. These boys gotta know what’s up.”

He chuckles, taking a sip of beer. “And it’s your job to teach ‘em?”

“Well, someone’s got to.”

He pulls Emma in and kisses her again, making my heart melt despite the jealousy simmering down deep inside me. “You know, I don’t know if I like you influencing my boys.”

“Best get used to it, big guy,” I say, slapping his shoulder playfully. “Hey, aren’t you supposed to not be here? I was pretty sure that this party was ladies only. Unless there’s something you’d like to tell all of us,” I add, motioning to Emma’s expanding stomach, and they both start laughing.

“Yeah, yeah, we’re heading out right now,” Tucker says, walking up next to us with Daisy on his arm. They both set their beers down on the table.

“All right, have fun, babe,” Nix says, leaning in for a kiss, and I look away as my jealousy grows only to be confronted by Tucker doing the same to Daisy. Shit. All I can do is stand here and wait for them to stop. That and hope like hell that I don’t have another emotional breakdown.

Finally, they pull away from each other, and the guys leave as Daisy gathers everyone into the living room so we can start our first game, and I plaster on a smile, forcing myself to not think about the things I can’t have.

* * * *

My sweet, gorgeous wife,

My heart is broken, completely shattered as I know yours is, too, and you’ll never know how much I wish there was something I could do to fix all this. It’s my job as your husband to protect you, even your heart, but this time I couldn’t. When you told me just a week ago that we were expanding our family, I thought I was the luckiest man alive, and it’s hard to believe that all was ripped away from us in a single night. I’d already begun imagining the person that our baby would grow into. I pictured playing tea party with another beautiful angel like our Addy or teaching our son how to catch a football so maybe one day he could meet the love of his life, too.

I’m so sorry, my love. I wish I could find the words to fix this all but I know that I can’t. This pain I feel seems endless because as far as I’m concerned, we’ve lost a child. It wasn’t just a fetus like the doctors said. He or she was our baby, and now they’re gone. Just know that I’m here for whatever you need, sweetheart. Use me for your own selfish purposes. I don’t care because I was supposed to protect you. Hit me, scream at me, be a bitch, anything so long as you let me be there for you. Don’t shut me out. I know that’s your natural inclination but don’t do it, baby.

As I sit here in front of this tree that we picked out only a few days ago and decorated with Addy, I know that we still are lucky. We have each other, and we have Addilyn. And this baby that we were never given the chance to meet will always be in our hearts. It’s in that knowledge that I can find my way through this piercing pain and begin to be happy again.

I love you with all my heart, Liz. I can’t say enough how lucky I am and how much better my life is with you in it. I’d be lost and empty without you. This Christmas, my greatest gift is the fact that I have a gorgeous wife that I’m madly in love with, who steals my breath every time she walks into a room, and a daughter who is just like her. Merry Christmas, my love and my life. I love you today, tomorrow, and forever.

XOXO

Setting the letter down in my lap, I let my tears flow unrestrained, thinking about the little life my parents lost that Christmas and the brother or sister that I never got to meet. I never knew about them until I found this box of letters and started going through them. It’s absolutely heartbreaking to read my father’s pain and anguish spilled out on this page. If I close my eyes, I can imagine my mom reading it, tears spilling down her cheeks, just like I am now.

But you can also feel his love in every word, and it even takes my breath away sometimes. The way he writes about my mom and me, the way he loves us so completely makes my heart ache. I wish that I had been given a chance to know my dad as an adult. It kills me that he’ll never see the woman that I’ve grown into, and whenever I allow myself to think about the possibility of marrying a man who loves me the same way he loved my mom, it shatters my heart into a million little pieces that he won’t be there to give me away.

I still miss him just as much now as I did back then, and sometimes I think it’s worse. Grief is weird. It comes in waves. Some days, I’m perfectly fine and other days, I can’t get him out of my mind and I spend hours on the verge of tears because the pain is just as fresh as the day it happened. In my dreams, I can still hear the way my mom screamed when the police officers told us that he died on impact.

Sobbing, I tuck the letter back into the box and replace the lid, just holding it in my arms for a second like I’m hugging my dad again.