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I was married to a powerful man. I had a beautiful home and a perfect baby sleeping against me. I shouldn’t have wanted anything else.

“What’s it like being a mommy?” she asked.

I hesitated before answering.

“It’s good. I’m just tired,” I added quickly. “He’s been awake constantly.”

“That’s normal,” she said gently. “But you don’t sound tired. You sound sad.”

I shifted Seth against me and pressed my lips to his soft hair.

“I’m happy,” I said. “I just never thought it would feel this way.”

“What does it feel like?”

I opened my mouth, but the words refused to come. I couldn’t tell her that some mornings I woke up and dreaded hearing my own baby cry. I couldn’t explain the resentment that sometimes followed the exhaustion, or the shame that consumed me afterward.

“It feels overwhelming sometimes,” I finally admitted.

Her voice softened immediately. “I’m coming out there soon. I’ll move some things around.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“I want to,” she said. “You shouldn’t be handling this alone.”

“I’m not alone.”

“Okay,” she replied, but I could hear that she didn’t believe me.

“Enough about me.” I forced some warmth into my voice. “You’re living your dream. You walked in the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, Leanne. That’s huge.”

“It was terrifying,” she admitted. “I thought I was going to fall in front of everyone.”

“You never looked nervous.”

“That means I did my job.”

I smiled as her laughter filled the receiver. For a moment, I pictured her life between every word. Hotel rooms in different cities. Fittings and photo shoots. Men buying her drinks because they recognized her face. Nobody waiting at home. Nobody needing her body for nourishment or comfort. She belonged entirely to herself.

I couldn’t remember the last time I felt that way.

“I’m proud of you,” I told her, because I was. “You looked incredible.”

“Thank you, Sam. Now tell me how you’re really doing.”

Her concern tightened something inside my chest.

“I’m managing,” I said. “Richard is working constantly, but he provides everything we need.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

I looked down at Seth. His tiny fist rested against my breast, and his mouth had fallen open in sleep. Love surged through me so intensely that it made me ache. The guilt followed seconds later.

“I love him more than I knew I could love anyone,” I whispered. “But sometimes I miss my old life.”

“There is nothing wrong with missing it.”

“It feels wrong.”