Page 124

I managed an hour here and there whenever my body gave out, but I woke at every sound Seth made. By morning, I always felt just as exhausted as I had before closing my eyes.

I sat in the rocking chair with him pressed against my chest, my hand moving in slow circles over his back while I tried to keep my eyes open. The room was dim, early morning light barely touching the walls, and everything felt too quiet and too loud at the same time.

My body ached in ways I did not expect. My breasts felt heavy and sore, my back burned, and there was a constant exhaustion sitting behind my eyes that never fully lifted.

But I loved him. With all of my heart.

When I looked at him, when I felt him in my arms, when his tiny fingers curled against my skin, there was nothing uncertain about it.

He was mine.

He was the only thing in my life that felt untouched by everything else.

And that terrified me.

Because now I had something I couldn’t afford to lose.

I pressed my cheek against his head, breathing him in, and for a second my chest tightened so hard it almost hurt.

I missed my dad.

The thought came out of nowhere, and it hit me harder than it had in weeks.

He should’ve been here. He should’ve met his grandson. He would’ve loved him in that easy, consistent way he loved me.

I swallowed, blinking hard, but it didn’t go away.

I missed Leanne too. I missed talking without thinking. I missed laughing without feeling sorrow underneath it. I missed leaving the house without planning every second around feeding schedules and sleep and whether or not Richard would be home.

I missed who I was before everything changed.

My phone rang on the side table, pulling me out of my thoughts. I reached for it carefully and adjusted Seth against my chest so I did not wake him more than he already was.

“Hello,” I answered.

“Finally,” Leanne said. “I was starting to think you forgot about me.”

“I could never forget about you.” A small laugh escaped me. “I finally saw the footage from the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.”

“You saw that?”

“Of course I did. You looked incredible.”

She laughed, but I could hear the pride beneath it. Leanne spent years working toward this, and now she was traveling, walking runways, and building the career she always wanted.

Meanwhile, I barely recognized myself in the mirror.

My body changed during the pregnancy, but I expected that. I thought Seth would be born, I would recover, and eventually everything would return to normal. Instead, my stomach still felt too soft. My breasts ached and leaked through my clothes. New lines stretched across my skin. Even my hips felt wider. Sometimes I stood naked in the bathroom and studied my reflection, searching for something familiar.

I felt trapped inside a stranger’s body.

“You looked beautiful,” I told her. “Your body is amazing.”

“Thank you, but those people know exactly how to make us look better than we do.”

“Whatever! You’ve always looked that good.”

A bitter edge slipped into my voice before I could stop it. I hated myself for it. Leanne was my best friend, and I loved her. She deserved everything happening for her. Still, envy pressed against my ribs when I pictured her backstage beneath the bright lights, surrounded by beautiful women and photographers. She was free, single, and succeeding in the career she dreamed about.