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‘That’ll be twenty-six dollars,’ Green calls.

I shoot Walker a filthy look and hand Green my dwindling funds.

‘You can clean that up too,’ she says as she begins counting all the money she’s scored from this inspection.

I find a horse-hair brush and a paper plate with sauce stains on it to sweep the glass up.

A glob of barbecue sticks to my fingers, making the plate stick to me when I try and throw it in the overflowing trash heap in the corner of the room.

‘Fuck me.’

‘Ask me nicely,’ Walker whispers in my ear, and chills race up my spine.

‘Shut up!’ I snap.

‘What?’ The green goblin’s black eyes fill with an unholy fire.

‘Not you!’ I placate. ‘Not – I mean – shut up, is this place for real? What a dream. Um, anyway, so online it didn’t actually show the room?’

‘Yes. This way.’

I’m led to a space beneath the stairs. Walker looks on, hovering behind me, and Lambcaster watches from the corner of the room like a pervert. The door opens with a low creak and a man with a snout and a wizard wand oinks at the intrusion.

‘Get out,’ Green snaps.

What in the Harry Trotter is this?

The guy squeals and runs past, barging into me in his haste. He jars my shoulder as he makes a break for the front door screaming, ‘Save yourself!’

Interesting roommates.

‘So?’ I look at the small hidden cupboard expectantly, waiting for maybe another hidden cupboard that it leads to, or a trapdoor beneath the bed.

‘Yes.’

Wait – ‘Is this?’

‘The room.’ Green nods.

Right.

Walker hovers over the bed. ‘Well it has a lovely outlook.’

I lean through him and look inside to see the rotting underside of the stairs, and a family of roaches around a wine-stopper dinner table.

‘And how much did you say it was?’

‘Four-hundred dollars a week.’

‘Ah, what a steal.’ I straighten and do my best to paint on a winning smile.

‘Daylight robbery, alright,’ Walker snarks from the corner of the room.

I shoot him a dirty look before returning to face Green, who is still deeply engrossed in her phone screen. ‘Where do I apply?’

‘You can find our submission form online.’

Oh, that’s relatively easy.