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‘BLEH.’

‘Yes, we are the owners,’ the pig goblin agrees. ‘Snort.’

‘So, who’s Borridge?’ I look between them.

‘Borridge is my family name.’ The lamb-shifter bleets out, timidly, looking sideways at his pig-goblin companion. ‘I’m Lambcaster. She’s Cunning-Ham.’

‘Lovely to me you. I’m Miller.’ I smile and hold out a hand they both eye with disdain. It’s a bit awkward.

‘What do you both do?’

‘Interior design.’ Cunning-Ham looks at me haughtily.

‘Electrician,’ Lambcaster mumbles.

I take in the decaying walls, exposed electrical wires and general state of disrepair. Not much different to most rentals tbh.

Makes sense.

‘It’s a lovely home you have here.’ I go to touch a wall to keep my hands busy and stop myself short in case I ruin something again. It would appear even the proximity of touch is damning however.

‘Hey! Did you just rip my wallpaper?’ Cunning-Ham yells. A waft of her rancid breath hits me like a freight train, and I have to stop myself from gagging.

‘Sorry?’ I frown.

‘She did. I saw her,’ Green says without looking up from her screen. ‘That’ll be six-hundred dollars.’

‘Damnit,’ I mutter. But fair is fair. Two against one. Actually six-hundred dollars in this economy is pretty tame.

I hand over the cash.

‘Can I see the rest of the house?’

‘I don’t know, can you keep your hands to yourself?’ Cunning-Ham snaps.

‘Yes, ma’am,’ I swear, hand over my heart. She nods to Green before she stomps from the room. Lambcaster looks intrigued, though. He follows shyly as we go from room to room.

As I’m taking in the bespoke dungeon off of the kitchen, Lambcaster approaches.

I turn to him and he toes the dirt on the floor with a cloven hoof. ‘What do you think of humans?’

‘Humans?’ I frown. ‘Well, hmm, considering I am one, there is a possibility of slight bias. I think they’re not too ba—’ Lambcaster’s expression turns dark, I quickly pivot my answer. ‘Not too good! Nope, not good at all. Humans suck. Human? Bleugh! I hate what I am.’ Lambcaster begins a slow grin that reveals a mouth full of pearly white teeth. He has wonderful dental hygiene. I wish I could say the same for his partner. She just about knocked me dead with the stench emanating from her lips.

‘What you are, is a buffoon.’ I jump and turn to find the one person I was hoping to avoid through being here.

I politely excuse myself and pretend to keep looking at the decaying home while I make my way over to Walker.

‘What the fuck are you doing here?’ I whisper-shout. Walker has one foot kicked over the other as he leans on a crooked beam near the door. His sleeves are rolled up and he’s got sex hair. But not like, gross greasy sex hair, like expertly tussled sex hair. Fuck, he’s hot.

‘I came to see your new lodgings.’

Fabulous. This is all I need! But at the same time… a second opinion couldn’t hurt.

I lean in closer. ‘Thoughts?’ I ask.

‘Looks like you’ll fit in here well.’ He nods at the open fridge with rotting food. I grind my molars. Walker goes to investigate a lightbulb that swings and flickers from a suspended wire hanging from the ceiling.

Of course it immediately shatters.