Page 34
‘You poor dear.’ Aggy.
‘Surprise, surprise.’ John.
‘Hi, my name is Neville.’ Neville.
‘Hi, Neville,’ we all drawl in unison, and the portly little man in his floral shirt, with his sudoku and pencil, wanders back out.
‘What was wrong with this one?’ John puts up a fuss, like he doesn’t care to gossip, but I know for a fact he isn’t just surveying for trigger happy Stone Fae. He loves the recounts of my dates just as much as the rest of them. Nosey parkers, the lot of them.
‘Well, he looked nothing like his pictures, for one.’ I’m not one to judge someone for their looks, and it’s not even the first time I’ve been catfished. I just think catfish-shifters should own who they are, slime and all.
‘Oh dear, better luck next time, ey?’ Helen bumps elbows with me.
Next time. Right. Which brings me to tonight. I sigh and groan at the same time. I’m almost at my wits end. Surely, there can’t be another fiasco. Surely, there is one good man, on this planet, that I could maybe possibly one day be with. It’s like the entire universe is working against me, sending me all the shitty men! Well – Universe! Have them back! I’m tired, and I want things just once to go right. I just want to feel accepted and loved like every other functioning romantic out there, is that really so much to ask?
To make matters worse, there’s still been no progress on the de-haunting debacle. I found a book on exorcisms, but Walker doesn’t seem to be in any hurry to enter me. Much to my chagrin. (I’m joking, Stars!) So that rules out that plan. And—
‘HOOT. HOOT, HOOT!’ John raises the alarm, and the Mouldies (shit, I need to stop calling them that) all scatter.
The problem is, they’re all old and can’t get anywhere fast enough.
It’s like watching a turtle race.
‘Quick, into the cupboard!’ I shoo Helen and Aggy into the closet and grab a mop and bucket to decoy. John’s already halfway down aisle six. I give him a lot of shit – but I’ll eat my words, that man is agile.
‘What are you doing up here?’
‘What are you doing up here?’ I’ve learnt the best way to interact with Delilah is just to ask her questions back and she’ll eventually get too pissed off to deal with me and leave.
She scoffs. ‘Seeing what you’re doing up here!’
‘Um… what do you see?’
The vein in her forehead is starting to pop. We’re making progress. ‘An idiot!’
‘Why’s that?’
‘Because you’re mopping carpet. What are you really doing in here?’ She narrows her eyes at me.
‘What do you want me to be do—?’
‘I’m Neville,’ Neville interrupts from the doorway.
Delilah looks him up and down with distaste before looking back at me with a facetious smile. ‘You know what, I don’t even care. The trolls are back. Toilets are clogged again.’ Her smile drops. ‘Get to it.’
Delilah struts out, a coil of smoke snaking behind her as she weaves back down through the aisles.
Guess it won’t even matter if the dates shit or not. Either way, today’s gonna stink.
‘Whatcha doin’?’ Lavender’s sing-song voice calls from above me.
‘House hunting,’ I say, scrolling. ‘Or… roommate hunting,’ I say, scrolling past a vamp that offers free rent in exchange for being a bloodbag. I can’t exactly afford an unfunded house, and the only other option is to team up. The issue – most of the beings in this suburb are paying for a place because they’ve been kicked out of the inner city. Which makes it just slightly difficult to find someone to live with.
Lavender pauses for long enough I look up to where she’s staring at me with a frown. ‘Why? I thought you and Walker called a truce?’
‘Are you serious?’ I laugh. ‘We may have called a truce, but Walker fucking hates me. You tolerate me. Won’t you be happy to have your peace back? No more noisy human invading your forest. It’d be best to have a backup plan anyway.’
If possible, her frown deepens. ‘Miller.’ She says my name in equal parts reprimand and confusion. ‘I don’t just tolerate you.’ I focus my attention elsewhere. The sincerity in her eyes is just wishful thinking on my part. She doesn’t actually care. Once I’m out of sight, I’ll be out of mind.
