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Emily was nodding by the time I finished. “Exactly.”

We shared a smile, then she spoke again.

“Alright, I’m starting to get a picture of some things we can work on. Our next few sessions will still be us getting to know each other. But in the time we have left today, how about we discuss some things you can think about and work on before our next appointment—sound good?”

I nodded, leaning forward until my elbows were on my knees. “That sounds really good. I don’t want to keep going like this. I don’t want to be so overwhelmed by my feelings that I shut down. I don’t want to be scared of having a loving relationship because of all the bullshit with my parents and a high school boyfriend. I want to thrive. I want to love and be loved, fully and completely. I want to find the love I know I deserve on my best days and hope I can find when things are rough. I want to . . . shit. I want to be seen, known. I want to be able to share some of my deepest, darkest secrets with my best friend, Cameron, and with Henry, too. I want a healthy relationship with the man I love. I want to live without fear.”

Emily smiled. “I’m glad to hear it. I hate to tell you, though, that you probably won’t be able to live without fear. But you can learn how not to let it control you. We can figure that out together.”

I smiled back, feeling a weight lifting off my shoulders that I hadn’t even realized was there. “Thank you, Emily. You’re a lifesaver.”

She cocked her head to one side. “More like a lifeguard or maybe a coach, here to teach you how to swim so you don’t drown.”

I chuckled, feeling lighter than I had in a long while. “I’ll take it.”

Chapter thirty-four

Tristan

Late March

Over the last few months, Henry and I had spent most of our nights together, usually at his place. He’d been to mine once or twice, but since he got called in to Mix It Up more often than he liked—his words—it just made sense to hunker down at his place, steaming up the windows of the bedroom of his gorgeous home with both the fireplace in the corner and much more pleasurable means of staving off the winter chill.

In the intervening weeks since we’d first become boyfriends and Daddy/boy, I realized, as Cameron had basically told me, that life was too short not to go all in. So I’d swallowed my fears and anxieties—with the help of Emily—and started to admit to myself that I had fallen in love with Henry. Everything about him was perfect for me, things I knew I wanted and didn’t know I needed all wrapped up in one man.

Telling him that was trickier. Though Emily encouraged me to explore my feelings, she also cautioned against confessing my love too quickly. She frequently reminded me to stay on my own timetable, no one else’s, and insisted that I’d know when the time was right to tell him. That took the pressure off, which helped me relax and trust that I’d know when I was ready.

I tossed my springy hair back from my forehead as I greeted the bouncer at the door—he wasn’t our usual guy, Gio, and I couldn’t remember his name nor forget his massive muscle-bound chest—and headed inside Mix It Up for the biweekly Kink Night.

Since we’d gotten together, Henry hadn’t participated in the kinky demonstrations onstage. Though our sex life was creative and satisfying—to say the least—when Carter, the boy he’d scened with back in October, asked Henry to dominate him again for a demonstration, Henry asked me if I’d be cool with him doing it, and I’d encouraged him to say yes if that was what he wanted. Truthfully, I was a little curious. I’d missed his previous scene with the boy, and I wanted to see what Henry could do in a setting other than our bedrooms. Well, not just our bedrooms. We’d christened nearly every room in his house by now.

Me bent over his kitchen counter while he wrecked my ass was a personal favorite.

I was excited for tonight, and not only for the demonstration. I’d spent a rare night alone at my condo, and I was eager to see Henry. He’d told me to meet him here, since he’d needed to be at Mix It Up all day, so I’d hurried through my post-live shower and rushed over here, hoping for a chance to pull him aside for a kiss in the back room—or maybe something a little more risqué—before he had to tend to the crowds and staff who were dependent on him.

I spotted him across the nearly empty dance floor, helping the regular emcee set up the stage. He was so engrossed in his task that he didn’t spot me, so I headed over to the bar to talk with his bar manager, Ben. We’d been introduced a few times since Henry and I had gotten together, and I suspected he knew about us, though he’d never said anything. Since Henry and I were still keeping our relationship a secret from our friends, I appreciated his discretion.

The twinkle in his eye told me my suspicions were true, as did his immediate “Henry will be back in a couple of minutes” as I approached the shiny bar top.

I winced at his comment as I took a seat, and Ben laughed.

“Your secret’s safe with me. Mai tai?”

My shoulders relaxed as I nodded. “Yes, thank you.”

He set to work as I twisted on the stool to notice the bar filling up. I even saw Ethan waving at me across the floor where he was sliding into our usual booth. I mirrored the gesture with a smile before turning back around.

“You know,” Ben started, placing my unadorned drink on the bar top before reaching below and producing the multitude of garnishes I loved most about my favorite drink. “Henry has me order these edible orchids special for you. He always has.”

I blinked at him as he slid the near-perfect drink over to me. “He . . . what?”

Ben grinned, wiping his hands on the bar towel tucked into the apron string wrapped around his waist. “Yup, since you first started ordering them.” He leaned in, his voice dropping low conspiratorially. “He’s had it bad for you for a long time.”

I felt my cheeks redden as I picked up the bright-orange drink and sipped through the stirrers. “I know.”

I smiled around the tiny straws, and Ben laughed again. “You’re great together. Just don’t hurt him, okay?”

I nodded, serious.