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“I’m an online camboy, and I only do solo work. I have sponsorships and a pretty loyal following, so I make a decent income. Funny thing was, their friend outed me to them, but to my knowledge, they never ostracized him for being on the site in the first place. Seems hypocritical, even for them.”

I frowned. “It almost feels like they were just looking for a reason to disown me so they didn’t have to claim me anymore. So I didn’t embarrass them.” I sniffed, my stomach aching as I held her gaze, and my next words, just above a whisper, carried in the quiet office. “Why did they have me if they didn’t want me?”

Emily frowned deeper than I’d seen yet, her forehead creasing. “I’m so sorry, Tris. That’s horrific. You didn’t deserve that.”

I cleared my throat so I could attempt to speak. “I know that. Logically. But somewhere, deep inside, I’m still that little boy who just wants his parents to love him.”

Emily nodded, handing me a box of tissues from a small table next to her chair. I thanked her then cleaned myself up as she asked, “If you’re ready, let’s talk about something a little lighter for a bit. Tell me something good about your life now.”

At her words, a smile spread across my face, and one word came to mind. “Henry.”

She must’ve heard something in my voice, because she smiled back, waggling her eyebrows just a bit. “And who’s Henry?”

My smile grew wider as my tears started to let up. “My boyfriend.” I paused before remembering the leather pride flag in the waiting room and the fact that Ethan had given me the name of a known kink-friendly therapist. “My Daddy, too, actually.”

She grinned. “That’s wonderful, Tristan.” She blinked at me. “That’s wonderful, right?”

I chuckled again. “Yes. He’s wonderful, the best. I think we’re really good together.”

“I’m glad you found him then.”

“Me, too.” I smiled for a moment longer until I felt it start to fade. “But . . . given the way my parents were, how my relationship with Chad ended, I’m struggling to believe I’m worthy of being loved. Henry and I haven’t said it to each other or anything because our relationship’s still really new and he’s so patient and caring, but I can tell he loves me. He’s probably loved me from the beginning. And I think I might love him, or at least I could in the near future, but I can’t be sure. I’m scared to commit to him, let him love me, let myself love him back. Because what if he figures out I’m not good enough for him?”

Emily’s eyes narrowed, just a bit. But instead of lecturing me, she took a different tack. “What makes you think you’re not?”

I sighed, running my fingers through the hair on the top of my head. “I . . . good point.” I slumped back in my seat. “Again, logically, I know I’m pretty awesome. I wouldn’t be able to take my clothes off in front of strangers on the internet if I wasn’t pretty confident.”

She chuckled lightly.

“But every time I consider letting myself fall in love with him, something inside me freezes up, and I’m filled with sheer terror. Worry and anxiety take over, and suddenly, all these horrible thoughts come up. And I’m not sure how to turn them off so I can just be in a relationship without all this bullshit. Henry deserves better than that.”

Emily leaned back in her chair a bit, pausing to assess me again before responding. “That’s a lot to deal with, Tris.”

I nodded.

“So let’s address a few of these things. First, we’ve only just met, but I’m proud of you for opening up to me so quickly—and, this can’t be discounted, for keeping your kind heart. Given how you were raised, it would’ve been easy to be angry and push everyone away. But according to your friends”—she’d asked me what my friends would say about me on my intake forms—“you’re a sweet, fun-loving man, maybe even the life of the party at times. You could’ve given yourself over to bitterness, but you alchemized that pain into humor.”

I nodded again, tears subsiding.

“But, Tristan, humor can disguise pain we’re trying to conceal or avoid dealing with. And sometimes, it’s a mask we use to hide our true selves from others. Do you think that might be what you’re doing?”

I bit my lip, wanting to give her question the appropriate consideration. After a few moments, I started slowly nodding, my heart sinking. I had done that. Cameron was my bestie, and I could tell him anything, but did I? We talked about our jobs, the goings on with our friends, world events, but did I open up to him about my deepest hopes and fears? If I was being honest, I hadn’t. The only person I’d let see a glimpse of the real me was Henry.

Maybe that was why our relationship scared me. Because I’d let him in without even meaning to. Which meant I’d given him the power to hurt me, like my parents—like Chad—had.

Emily was silently studying me as I came to that revelation on my own, patiently waiting for me to process what I was thinking.

“I definitely do that. It’s easy to be the life of the party, as you said, but being vulnerable is infinitely harder. I need to work on that. Henry deserves that.”

Emily nodded. “Sounds like a good plan.”

I smiled tentatively back at her.

She continued. “Second, you have a lot of trauma you need to heal. I hate to tell you this, but you’re not going to be able to turn that off. Unfortunately, that kind of stuff shapes who we are. But,” she was quick to add, “that doesn’t mean you can’t get better, figure out how to be your best self in the face of that trauma. You’re not going to flip a switch or get the effects of the trauma completely out of your head or body, but I don’t think you want that, either. Your experiences have made you a sweet, empathetic person, the person you suspect Henry has fallen in love with.”

She smiled kindly and kept going. “You said he deserves better than ‘this bullshit,’ by which I assume you mean your trauma and hangups. What would he say if you told him that?”

I smiled widely at the thought. “He would tell me he was the lucky one. He would say he was here for me, no matter what I needed. And, someday, he would say he loves me not despite of those things but because of them and how they made me the man he loves.”