Page 39

“Here,” I exclaim, “I found it here in one of your trunks.”

Kenan swings his legs over the side of the bed, looking like some manner of beast in the morning light. “You shouldn’t be rummaging through things that are not yours, Kitten. Trust me, that leads to nothing but trouble.” He stretches, muscles rippling beneath his skin. A part of me is distracted by the display, but the weight of the necklace pulls me back.

“You know this is hers!”

“It was,” Tobias says, as he too swings his legs out of the bed, putting on his clothes quickly. “We’ve already told you what your sister chose. Did you think we were lying?”

Yes. No. I don’t know … perhaps a small part of me thought that there was more to it. That they were lying. That they had told me a story to keep me satisfied, but it doesn’t answer how much they were involved in her decision.

“You didn’t say you had this, though.” I look at both of them, daring them to lie to me, to make me feel like any of this is okay. I don’t regret last night ... but I can’t completely forget her either. Maybe that is my guilt speaking as the morning light now reaches us.

Tobias exchanges a look with Kenan that sends something cold slithering down my spine. “Because that’s not for you to know,” Tobias replies, his tone clipped.

“This doesn’t belong to either of you!” I argue, “It belongs to Evelyn. You both need to tell me —”

Kenan steps forward. “You are digging too deep, Emerson! You don’t understand yet.”

“Then help me understand!” I snap back, the heat rising inside me as I feel the echo of both their pasts pressing down, suffocating me. “How can you accept what happened to her? Or to anyone who comes through these tents? How do you expect me to? Do you think that I’m going to be lulled to complicity because I spent one night in your sheets? Is that all I am to you? Is that all this was? A distraction?” The words tumble from my mouth, unable to stop them. I know this is ridiculous, dramatic even … but the last three nights have done nothing to help my mental state. In some ways, I feel more confused than I did the night I joined. And in some ways, I feel more complete than I did before as well.

“Baby girl,” Kenan approaches like he’s about to take on a rabid animal, “that’s not at all what happened last night ... and you know it. We all know it. Don’t downgrade what is between the three of us.”

Tobias steps closer now, an honesty slipping into his voice, “Little Bird, I have that to remind me of what I do. I have several things I’ve collected over the years to remind me, just like the tattoos that mark my skin, of the monster that I am ... that we are. That The Carnival is.”

Tears threaten to break away from me, “Monsters. You play with people’s hearts too, don’t you? You claim to care about me, and yet ...” I hold the necklace higher, “You should have just told me. I can’t believe anything you say now.”

The words explode from my throat with all the frustration and hurt that’s been swirling inside me since I stepped foot in this twisted carnival. The truth is, that I did believe something special was between the three of us, but finding this here … finding something that they both knew would at least make me feel connected to my sister again hid like a dirty secret in a trunk. It hurts. It cuts deeper than anything I’ve felt in a long time. I made the decision to stay here, to find her … to save her. And now … no, I refuse that everything that led me here was for nothing.

Kenan’s expression hardens, his jaw clenching as he steps closer. “You’re right to be angry, Emerson, but you’re wrong if you think we don’t care about you.”

“Stop toying with me!” I shoot back, “You’ve made your peace with what happens here ... but I won’t. Which one of you was it? Who was it that led her to her fate? Who was marked on her skin by the fucking stamp?!”

Tobias’s blue eyes darken, “You think throwing accusations will change anything? She’s gone Emerson. You want to project your pain onto us, but we’ve lived it ... all of it ... we’ve worn scars you wouldn’t understand long before you arrived. It does not change what we feel for you.” There’s an edge to his words that leaves me breathless, but he doesn’t stop, his controlled expression breaking slightly as he does. “Nor what you feel for us. Stop deflecting!”

“I don’t want to be like you!” I shout, my voice cracking as I fight against the well of tears building up inside of me. “What did you do to her?”

“We didn’t do anything!” Kenan snaps back, his fists clenching at his sides. “She made a choice just as you did. We’ve already told you. She chose to die, Emerson! Is that the in the face message you need? She chose to die immediately! The Ringmaster, instead of branding her like he did you, he slit her throat and forced someone else to clean up the mess. She wasn’t stamped with me or Tobias ... She had a contortionist’s stamp. Even if it had been –”

“But it was you who marked her ticket, was it not?” I look at Tobias before looking back at Kenan, “And you who invited her to the stage and kept her there?”

Neither of them answer me. The air hangs thick between us all, and inside I feel anger surging within me, because it was them. They were the ones who helped keep her here.

“No one has a choice, Emerson.” Tobias says, close enough now that he reaches out to me, but puts his hand down. “Once someone crosses the threshold ... it’s out of our control.”

“Then why do you have this necklace?!” I scream again. I understand what they are saying, but if she didn’t carry their stamp nor the brand and she decided to die without their influence … why keep this?

“Because I was the one forced to clean up the mess!” Tobias’s control snaps, his voice higher than I’ve ever heard it. Kenan stops and stares at him, as if he didn’t know this information either. “Because The Ringmaster makes sure I do my fucking part here, just like he does everyone else!” He takes a steadying breath. “We didn’t hurt your sister, and we won’t hurt you.”

“We didn’t choose this life for you, Kitten.” Kenan says, his eyes hesitantly leaving Tobias’s as he stares back at me. “We may not be able to control your choices ... or half of what happens here, but don’t doubt that we care for you.”

“Care for me?” I laugh. Even I know I’m being a bit unstable, but … it’s all just so much. Perhaps this is my psyche finally breaking. “Lust, you mean? Wanting to get into my pants.”

Tobias’s expression shifts, his voice rising again. “It’s more than that! You came to us. You wanted us! Enough that you brought me and him back together ... How can you go back on that? What happened last night was not just a part of The Carnival! Fuck! If that was it, we would have had you in the tent when we were supposed to train you!”

They both take a step forward, but I put my hand up to stop them from speaking, “No. I don’t care. I won’t become a pawn in whatever tragic romance you both share. I won’t be the one who sits here and becomes … whatever I’m becoming.”

I turn, leaving the room before they can say anything else and scurrying off to the small quarters I call my home. Given, it’s just down the hall from Tobias’s room … but it’s at least something. Tonight, I have to prepare for my final act.

Chapter 26