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“It’s not like that.” I’ve tried to tell him that there isn’t any anger where he’s concerned, but he never believes me. Maybe I’m trying to convince myself.

“Don’t, son. Life’s too short to keep harping on the past. You survived.” He bumps his shoulder into Jenni’s. “You’ve got a good thing going here. It’s time for you to let everything go and turn your back on your demons. Stop swinging. Stop giving them so much energy. It’s not going to change anything but you. You already have enough anger held up in your bones to last a lifetime. Don’t keep adding to it, holding on to things that you can’t change. Your mother and sister are dead. If they rest in peace, it’s up to them and their souls. Don’t let their choices ruin yours.”

We sit in silence watching the kids play. They’ve joined other kids, and for the first time, I think I see Ryder smile and laugh. He’s not pissed off. He looks like an eleven-year-old should, happy.

“Have you tagged the other two?” my father asks.

“Brass found them.” Even though the two adoptions were closed, I knew those files being sealed wouldn’t stop Brass, and I knew it was important to my father to know that the other kids were fine.

“I didn’t know you were looking for the other kids.” Jenni sounds a little hurt that I didn’t let her know that I was having the guys search for them. Maybe I didn’t think it was important. Maybe I didn’t want her trying to get involved with those kids too. It was before Roxy and Ryder were with us, and I didn’t know how things were going to go, so I didn’t want to add fuel to the fire.

I nod. “They’re with two different families. Both are well off, and neither were able to conceive on their own. One has another adopted sibling, while the second is an only child.”

“Do you–”

I know what he’s going to ask, so I cut him off. “No, I don’t know their names, or if they’re male or female. I don’t want to know. It’s not important. Just know that they’re out there, and they’re good. I’ve asked Brass to keep tabs on them and only let me know if they’re situation changes. I don’t want to rock their boat if it’s smooth sailing for them.”

I’ve just lied to my father.

I know they’re two males and I happen to know their names, but that’s info he doesn’t need to hear. The point in finding them was to make sure they’re safe, not to know what their fucking favorite soda is.

When I hear a cry from the blacktop, my head snaps up, and my heart drops. Roxy’s on the ground holding her knee while tears roll down her reddened cheeks. “I’ll go,” Jenni says as she gets up, leaving my father and me alone.

“You’ve done good, son.”

“I don’t know about that. Half the time I don’t know which way’s up. Ryder’s pissed as fuck all the time. Roxy cries if you blow on her wrong. I think I might have taken on too much, and I’m not sure how much longer I can keep it up. The club isn’t including me in shit because Cut thinks I need to concentrate on home life. What kind of shit is that?”

“He’s a smart man. Life changes, son. The shit you pulled in your teens when you were acting out isn’t the person you are today. Never in my life did I think you’d settle down. Not after all the shit that your mother brought into your life. I know life was hard. I know you endured more than any man should, all while you were a child and all for a woman who should have been protecting you. That knowledge alone has me regretting my actions every second of my life. Had I had known what would have become of you and your sister, I would have left my heart with your mother and taken you two away. But stupid me, I thought I was solving a problem, not creating a bigger one. For that I’m sorry.”

My throat dries with emotion. I try to swallow past the lump in my throat, but it doesn’t work. “It’s okay,” I finally confess, because it is.

“You have a chance with these kids. Ryder will come around. You need to think about how you would want to be treated and treat him the same way. Don’t push him if you wouldn’t want to be pushed. Don’t talk down to him, and don’t treat him as if he’s a child because I think the days of childhood have long since passed with him. That’s sad but true. Now you gotta love him as he is and not how you want him to be.”

“We’re gonna try,” I confess.

“And keep the we in everything. It’s not just you and those kids. Jenni is in this as much as you are. She’s made that clear with her insistence. This sounds corny, but there is no ‘I’ in team, and that’s what the two of you are.”

“Fuck, Pops, that woman frazzles me. She’s had my head fucked up since the day her cowboy boots first stepped foot on Fury ground. She has me wanting shit I never thought I wanted. She has me seeing life in a way I never thought about, and it scares the shit out of me. I know she deserves someone who isn’t fucked up. Someone who respects women and never thinks a nasty thought about ’em. But she’s picked me, and for the life of me, she won’t walk away. It was shitty of me to strap her with these kids, but it was the only way I thought I could keep all the other fuckers away.”

He smiles while shaking his head. “Men do strange things when they’re in love, son. We are selfish by nature, and once we see something or someone we want, we make it our mission to keep it. She wants to be here. If she didn’t, she would’ve walked. She has the strongest backbone I’ve ever seen in a woman. She’s strong enough to carry you when you need it. Don’t think needing her makes you weak. It makes you wise.”

“I’ll never be good enough.”

“No, you won’t,” he deadpans, but I know he speaks the truth.

“It’s been four weeks. I’m about done with this shit.”

My eyes dart towards the hall where I know the kids are in their rooms for the night. Tylan’s voice isn’t loud, but I know these walls aren’t that thick.

“What would you like me to do?”

“Suck my dick,” he deadpans.

He says it like it’s nothing. Like it’s normal for me to drop to my knees whenever he tells me and open my mouth so he can come down my throat. Maybe it is when it comes to him and his past, but it’s not me, and it’s not mine.

I’m walking a tightrope, and I’m not sure what side to step off. I want to be with him just as he wants. It kills me going to bed by myself every night in my room…alone. But I’m not sure how to explain to the kids I share a room with their uncle. I don’t want them to think that’s normal.

Damn my upbringing.