Page 87

“Everything okay with you guys?” she asks.

Susannah’s face twists into a fake smile. “Yes, everything’s fine. Lia was just asking for a few tips for the role, and she was kind of uncomfortable doing it in front of the guys.”

Her words make the blood rush to my cheeks. My face is burning. I want to contradict her and tell Katie the truth, but I can’t get a word out.

“Oh.” There’s sympathy in Katie’s eyes, and I want to crawl into a hole because that wasn’t even true. “I get it. Are things still not going so well for you?”

I shrug and force myself to look indifferent. “It’s okay,” I say curtly.

She comes over to me and puts a hand on my shoulder. “I’m sure things are better than you think. You can do the steps. I’ve seen you.”

I nod, even though the steps aren’t really the problem. But I can’t tell them that.

“I mean it. Think about the group rehearsals. You’re not even there every day, and yet you know the swan part better than anyone else.”

“Yeah, maybe,” I say because she’s right. Those rehearsals, the ones with the others that I only attend sporadically, went well every time. The steps are easy, everything is easy. But with the swans, I’m just one of many. It’s not about emotions, just beauty and perfection, and that’s what I’m good at. No one really sees me, not like they would if I were dancing the role of the Swan Queen. It’s just different.

“Not maybe, definitely.” Katie nudges me and smiles, but it’s easy for her to say. She’s playing the prince’s mother, and she’s great. The role is made for her; I’ve seen her dance it.

I never get to see Susannah dance though. She’s always in another studio with Charlie and Francesca every time I attend group rehearsals. But I know it’s going well. More than well. I know she’s brilliant because everyone is talking about how good the performance is going to be. It’s awful.

“Katie’s right,” Susannah agrees, but she looks at me in a way that makes it very clear that I shouldn’t mention what I think I saw again.

“We should get going to rehearsals now if we don’t want to be late.” Katie points toward the dining room, from which the juniors and seniors are gradually emerging to head over to the practice building.

My stomach churns. Rehearsals. Phoenix. I don’t want to go.

But I have no other choice, so I follow the others and finally climb the stairs to the small studio under the roof, where Phoenix is already waiting for me. Fortunately, we’re not alone today. Tyler is here too, and he makes everything a little more bearable, even if it still just doesn’t work between him and me. The only thing that saves me is my perfection, the knowledge that I can perform the choreography without a single mistake.

Technically, I’m perfect. That’s not enough, but it prevents Phoenix from having to correct me and touch me. I am perfect, so I don’t have to feel his hands on my body. I’m afraid that as soon as he touches me, I’ll break down.

I miss him.

The way he looks at me. The way our fingers intertwine. The way his muscles tense every time my fingertips brush his skin. I miss how I felt with him. Safe and secure, not lost and lonely.

Like the most authentic version of myself that exists.

I miss talking to him, knowing that I can talk to him about anything I want to. I miss watching him fall asleep with a half smile on his face that slowly fades away.

I miss him.

I miss everything about him. But I can’t tell him that—I can’t tell anyone. So I just keep on, from one day to the next.

Chapter 43

Phoenix

I honk my horn impatiently and curse the driver in front of me who just refuses to move, even though the light in front of us has long since turned green. No reaction. Only when the light turns yellow does he start moving. Thanks for nothing. The light turns red again, and I haven’t gotten anywhere. Frustrated, I groan and glance at my watch.

I’m already late.

Great.

And I can’t even let Brittany know that I won’t be there on time.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” I bang on the steering wheel. Of course everything would take longer, today of all days. The day I finally get to see Olivia.

I shift restlessly in my seat, my palms sweating. I haven’t slept properly in two days, ever since Clark called me. My head is a mess, and I have no idea what to do with myself.