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That’s when the numbness that’s had a grip on me since yesterday falls away and panic sets in.

Chapter 20

Phoenix

Oh, no.

This can’t be happening. Not now. Lia and I haven’t spoken in two weeks. She was never in the groups I worked with during Francesca’s classes, even as my group grew a little bigger every day and Francesca’s got smaller. At some point, I’ll be teaching the whole class by myself.

But so far, Lia has never been assigned to me, and I didn’t dare ask myself why. Did Francesca somehow notice that there was tension between us? Did she realize that we know each other better than we pretend to? How could that be? We avoid any conversation, even eye contact. Maybe she noticed that and came to her own conclusions.

She must suspect something, otherwise Camille wouldn’t be escorting us to Pearson’s office right now. Pearson will fire me, and then I’ll lose my job and be back where I started four months ago. Except everything is different now, because Clark actually answered the phone when I called the other day and agreed to meet me.

Pearson can’t fire me, damn it. Not now, of all times. Not for doing absolutely nothing wrong.

My pulse is racing, the back of my neck prickles unpleasantly, and my palms are sticky with sweat. I’m so nauseous that I feel like throwing up as we silently walk over to the administration building.

Lia’s posture is as tense as mine, but she’s still more in control of herself than I am. Unfortunately, it seems like she’s been that way since Pearson told her she’d be dancing as an understudy. I know why he chose Susannah. He explained his decision in great detail to all of us teachers, waiting for agreement or disagreement. I would have liked to disagree, because Lia is brilliant.

Or at least she could be brilliant, if she wanted to. If she let go. If she allowed herself to feel and show her emotions.

“You can go right in. He’s already waiting for you,” Camille announces as we reach Pearson’s office. Lia and I instinctively exchange a brief glance. She looks away first, her green eyes flickering, betraying the indifferent expression on her face. My fingers ache to reach out to her, but it’s the stupidest thing I could do right now.

Pull yourself together, Phoenix. This is about your job, your damn future.

I straighten my shoulders and open the door to Pearson’s office, letting Lia go first, and immediately regret the decision when she walks past me and the sweet scent of her perfume reaches me. It’s the same one she wore on our night together.

Heat floods me, inappropriate and completely unwelcome. My hands clench, and I quickly bury them in my pockets so neither Lia nor Pearson will notice.

But my heart is pounding too fast, too hard . . . too much. Panicked, urgent, fearful, longing . . . I have no idea which. I need to be calm, but I can’t.

Pearson is sitting behind his desk and motions for us to sit down in the chairs opposite him.

“Thank you for giving up your break for me,” he says with a friendly smile. Why is he smiling? Why doesn’t he look more serious? A little seriousness would be appropriate if he were planning to fire me, wouldn’t it? My mouth goes dry, and I take a deep breath.

“No problem,” Lia and I say simultaneously, and we immediately look at each other. This can’t be real.

“You’re probably wondering why I asked you to come,” he says, crossing his arms over his chest. But he’s still smiling. Why the hell is he smiling?

My whole body tenses, and I want to respond, but my voice won’t do what I want. Instead, Lia speaks.

“To be honest, I’m a little confused.” Now she tries to smile too, but it’s not warm and friendly; it’s politely distanced and clearly not genuine. Her eyes betray her confusion, and she radiates complete innocence as she blinks. I know she can’t show her real feelings right now, but she’s also an excellent actress.

Why are you such a good liar, Ophelia?

“I’ve been thinking about our conversation yesterday,” Pearson says, and I can feel Lia stiffen next to me, but the expression on her face stays the same. “I know that you were expecting to get the lead, and I completely understand your disappointment. I think all of us can, can’t we?” He gives me a questioning glance.

I nod mechanically as my stomach sinks with relief. It’s about Swan Lake, not about Lia and me. But what the hell does he want from me then? I have absolutely nothing to do with the Christmas performance. Francesca may gradually be giving me more responsibility in her classes, but this is a completely different matter. I’ve been assigned to be present during rehearsals to watch and maybe help out a little, but that’s about all.

“I’m not disappointed. I understand your decision,” Lia replies, a touch too quickly. I’m not the only one who sees right through her; Pearson does too. Maybe she’s not such a good actress after all.

He frowns at her. “I know that,” he says slowly. “You’re a good student, and you know how things work. I have no doubt that you can understand my decision. But it would be perfectly fine and understandable if you were disappointed. Any dancer in your position would feel that way.”

She clenches her teeth; it’s the only emotion she allows herself to show. “I really appreciate your regard for my feelings, Mr. Pearson, but I still don’t quite understand why I’m here.”

I have no idea how she manages to sound respectful and pissed off at the same time. It’s almost a little intimidating.

Pearson sighs. “I told you yesterday that you’re an exceptional dancer, and I meant it. You have talent, but you won’t make it to the big stage if you keep suppressing your feelings, Lia. And that’s what you’re doing right now,” he adds firmly when she tries to argue. “As a dancer, especially as a lead dancer, it’s your job to convey emotions to your audience. You can’t do that if you don’t allow yourself to feel them.”