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I reach for my blusher. A little color on my cheeks won’t hurt, especially on a day like this. My heart is beating too fast. It wants to break out of my chest and escape, to get away from this conversation and the lies. Away from the truth.

“No. I’m really fine,” I repeat. How wonderful it would be if such assertions just came true if you said them often enough.

“Lia, come on.”

“What? I’m really fine.” It feels even more untrue the third time than it did the first.

“You can talk to me.”

I straighten up, returning her gaze in the mirror.

No, I can’t. I can’t talk to you because I know you’ll tell Susannah everything I say. She’s your best friend. You’re like sisters, and you’re loyal. I can’t talk to you because you wouldn’t understand.

I’m not just angry, I’m almost exploding with rage.

I’m not sad or disappointed, I’m devastated.

I’m lonely and lost.

I have no one I can trust and no one I can talk to about what’s going on in my head because no one would get it. Especially not Katie. She’s happy for Susannah, and she’s happy for her own success. I wish I could say the same about myself.

“I’m really fine,” I say for the fourth time. Now the smile on my face feels almost like my usual self again. “Pearson knows what he’s doing. If he thinks Susannah is the right choice, then so be it. After all, this isn’t only about me. It’s about the performance and the school.”

“Okay, if you say so.” Katie’s shoulders slump, but then she gives me a small smile. She doesn’t seem very convinced, but she doesn’t press the issue any further either.

“I do.” I reach for the mascara and examine the girl staring back at me from the mirror. Her gaze is empty and broken, but Katie doesn’t see it. No one does.

Because no one looks closely enough.

And because I don’t let them.

* * *

Together, we make our way downstairs to the dining room to have breakfast with the others. Susannah is already sitting with Celéste, Charlie, and Tyler at one of the round tables, waiting for us. She gives Katie a questioning glance only for a split second, but I notice it anyway, and all at once I’m certain that she sent Katie to check how upset I am.

Katie nods almost imperceptibly, but I notice that too. I’m just not quite sure what it means. If she believed me, then it means everything is fine. If not . . . then it doesn’t.

At breakfast, everyone is acting like nothing happened, including me. No one talks about the performance, which is ridiculous because it’s the only thing we’ll be focused on for the next few months, and it’s what we’ve been looking forward to for three damn years. We can’t ignore the issue forever. Someone has to point out the obvious, but it won’t be me. I just don’t know what to say. Every single word would be a lie, pure hypocrisy.

We get through breakfast by talking about everything except Swan Lake. I notice that Susannah is only taking tiny bites of her avocado toast, barely enough to count as a meal, but I can hardly eat anything myself because my stomach is in knots, so I can’t say a thing about it. I don’t want to, anyway.

I hardly say a word as we make our way to the practice building and throughout the first two lessons. I go through the various positions mechanically. Today my heart really isn’t in it. I hate that, and at the same time, I don’t know what to do about it.

I feel numb, completely empty.

But I’m fine.

I’m fine.

I’m fine.

Maybe if I keep telling myself so, it will come true eventually.

Francesca has just dismissed us from pointe class, and I’m sitting on the floor with my legs in front of me, untying the satin ribbons of my pointe shoes, when Pearson’s assistant, Camille, enters the studio. Her gaze sweeps across the room, one face after another, and finally settles on mine.

“Lia, Mr. Pearson would like to speak with you. Could you come with me, please?” I nod, and then she looks around the room again. “Phoenix, you too, please.”

My heart skips a beat, and I blink in confusion. I look at him even though it’s a stupid move, but it just happens. His eyes widen, and then Camille’s words sink in. We’re supposed to go to see Pearson together.