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“I don’t know. I think, deep down, I didn’t want to face it. I thought that if I ignored it, maybe it wouldn’t be true,” I said. “There’s no way to know when it will happen. But you heard what he said about the people I killed? He was right; it will happen again. I don’t know what triggered it last time, and I don’t feel that way now, but it will happen again. There’s no way to tell. You deserved to know; I should have told you.”

“Yes, you should have,” he said, and I could tell he was angry now as the tears slid down his face. “I shouldn’t have had to hear it from your deranged ex-boyfriend who broke into our home, threatened me, and killed my cat.”

I winced, but it felt good to have Julian yelling at me. I deserved that anger and more. “You’re right. But now you do know. I was foolishly optimistic. I told myself I could maintain control and hold onto my sanity. I wanted it to be true, and I still do. But we both know there have been signs—the deer, the incident with the door. Looking back, both could be symptoms of what’s coming. I see now that it’s not worth the risk of staying by your side when I could hurt or even kill you, Julian.”

“Shouldn’t I have a say in that?” Julian asked.

His words didn’t make sense, and I was losing track of the point he was trying to make. “You’re upset that I didn’t tell you, but you still want to stay with me, knowing what could happen, knowing what I’ve done?”

“I think it should be my choice, don’t you?” Julian demanded.

“Not entirely,” I replied. “Did you ever consider what it would be like for me, having to worry about what I might do to you if I lost control?”

“You don’t know that’s what will happen,” Julian said softly.

“I do. It happens to all of us. It could be months from now or sixty years, but it will happen. The hunger probably only makes it worse. In the end, the control we learn at the very beginning slips away, and we are left with pure instinct. I won’t know who I am or who you are. It’s our life cycle. Not one I like to think about. But I have to think about it now, especially with you to consider.”

“What Nathaniel said about doing what you needed him to do in the end—did he mean what I think he meant?”

I nodded. “He was offering to kill me, yes. When the time comes, when it gets bad, when I’m no longer myself.”

Julian swallowed hard and met my gaze.

“Do you think you could do that? Could you shoot me, like you shot Anna the night we met? Could you shoot me in the head? Decapitate my body and burn the pieces, or leave them out in the sun? Because that’s what it will take.”

Julian stared at me but didn’t answer.

“And you’ll have to do all that while I’m still me, before it gets too bad. Because by then, you won’t be able to stop me. He was right about that, too,” I said.

A wave of sorrow washed over me, and I rested my head on my knees, unable to look at Julian any longer. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m so sorry I let things get this way between us. I shouldn’t have done this to you, Julian.”

Water splashed in the tub, and Julian’s wet arm came around my shoulders, his lips pressed against the back of my head. “Don’t do that,” Julian said. “I won’t let you regret what we have between us. I don’t. No matter how long we have or how this ends.”

I was too drained by my encounter with Nathaniel and everything that followed to respond. Instead, I took Julian’s hand. “Will you at least allow me to fix this?” I asked.

Julian smiled and nodded his consent. I turned his hand over; the palm and fingers were a mess of raw skin and torn blisters from digging in the frozen ground. I bit into my own skin and did my best to repair the damage. Tears in the flesh were much simpler. When I was finished, Julian offered me the other hand, which needed care just as badly.

Julian climbed out of the tub, toweled off, and helped me to my feet. “We don’t have to figure this out tonight, right?”

“No, we don’t,” I said, letting Julian lead me to our bed.

34

JULIAN

We lay together, wrapped in the warmth from the small stove and the blankets tucked around us. It felt good to be held after all that had happened, to know we were together and safe. I thought about the cold of the forest outside and the pain of digging the hole in the icy soil, and I shivered. It wasn’t the physical pain that still lingered, though.

Vincent tucked the blanket around me, mistaking my shiver for a chill. I knew he was sorry, and it wasn’t his fault, but there was little he could do but hold me and answer my questions.

Neither of us spoke for a long time, and I was the one who finally broke the silence. “I couldn’t help but notice that you called me your mate,” I said softly into Vincent’s dark waves.

Vincent chuckled, pulling his arm tighter around my back. “You caught that, did you?”

“Yes. Do you actually feel that way?” I asked.

“Yes, I love you, Julian,” he said, stealing my breath. “More than I’ve ever loved anyone. I’ve loved you for a long time. I don’t want you to feel pressured, though⁠—”

“I love you too,” I said, interrupting him. “I’ve loved you since the first night I fed you.”