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I've dreamed of this moment for so long, of being able to hold him in my arms and fall asleep next to him. This feels like some kind of perverted version of this dream, a cruel joke played by the universe. It hurts, but it doesn't matter. Who am I to complain when Reno is hurting much more than I am? As long as he survives, this will be worth it, even if he can't forgive me.

I do my best to ignore the fluids still staining his skin and hair. The pompom of his fool’s hat tickles my cheek. Part of me is surprised he didn’t toss it in a ditch as soon as we left, but I guess it helps keep him warm. I hope that’s the only reason, but as much as it pains me, I think that mentally he hasn’t escaped yet. After months of torment and possible brainwashing, that shouldn’t surprise me.

Reno Thiers

I wake up with Nasir’s arm still draped over me. It feels nice. I got scared in the beginning, but when he fell asleep without trying anything like he promised, I relaxed. It’s been so long since I’ve been touched like that, without violence or lust. It feels warm and safe in a way I can’t quite put to words.

Nasir stirs next to me. “Reno, are you awake?”

“Mmm. Yeah,” I mumble. I don’t want him to let go just yet. I want to stay in his arms forever.

“I saw some roots near the entrance,” he informs me. “It’s not much, but it’s better than nothing.”

Better than nothing. Yeah, I guess I’m getting used to that. These past few months, I’ve had nothing, more often than not. I get up reluctantly and follow him outside to gather the roots with him. He’s not letting me do all the work, so I guess there’s that. Once we have enough, we sit down in the middle of the cave to eat.

“So, you think they’re after us?” I hear myself asking.

Nasir’s kind face grows somber. “Probably, yes. But there are a lot of places to hide around here, and they don’t know which way we went. They won’t find us.”

I chew on my root. It’s hard and bitter, but at least I have something in my stomach. Something other than cum. Nasir is staring at the wall behind me, running his hand through his coarse hair. My heart starts running, my palms growing damp. There it is. The other shoe’s about to drop.

“Look, I’ve been thinking.” Nasir finally looks at me. I knew it. This won’t be good. “I’m going back to Elign to plead for your case. I want you to stay here, okay? When I tell the council that you know everything about the Raiders, I’m sure they’ll let you come back. We just can’t risk them sending you back before we can convince them. Plus, there might be Raiders waiting nearby. I’ll come back as soon as I can, I promise.”

Tears sting behind my eyes, but I refuse to show it. I knew this would happen, didn’t I? Nasir is a kind person. He’s nice to everyone. That’s his nature. That doesn’t mean he actually gives a shit about me specifically. I’m just a means to an end. He’s saying he’ll come back to make me feel better, but why would he? I’ve told him everything I know already. I’ve served my purpose, and now I’m worthless to him. Expendable. What a fucking idiot. I was so eager to prove I was useful that I made myself useless.

I knew it was always going to end like that, so why does it still hurt so much?

“Yeah, okay, sure.” I force myself to answer. I won’t beg for him to stay. Begging never worked for me, and I’ve humiliated myself enough like that.

I’m free from the Raiders now. I can start again somewhere else. I just have to figure out how to locate another settlement and find one that will take me in. It can’t be harder than living under Cirail’s thumb, can it?

“I’ll see you soon, then.” Nasir stands up to leave. “Wait for me here, okay? I promise, I’ll find a way to make things right. You’re going to be okay. I’ll be back as soon as I can. Be careful, okay?”

I watch him walk away, my heart raising to my throat. At least he had the decency to leave me his long coat. I won’t freeze to death right away. I should probably throw that stupid hat in a ditch if I want anyone from other settlements to take me seriously, but as much as I despise it, it’s keeping me warm, and I don’t want to risk getting sick. That would be a death sentence.

I remain sitting in the cave. I should get up and leave, but I can’t bring myself to do it. There’s a small, foolish part of me that wants to hope Nasir will actually come back. I know it’s stupid. It’s only going to hurt me more when he doesn’t, but I can’t help it.

I’ll wait until tomorrow morning. What’s one more day at this point? I’ll remain protected from the weather, eat more roots, and rest. And tomorrow, when Nasir inevitably doesn’t show up and my heart is broken, I’ll leave and curse myself for being so naive. That’ll give me time to think about where to go too. Somewhere not too close so they’re not in the Raiders’ hunting zone, but not too far away either so I don’t get lost. I know other settlements by name and have a general idea where they are, but finding my way in the wild won’t be easy. I’ll need to think and plan it ahead.

Yeah, that’s a better reason to stay put.

Nasir Ahmad

I don’t like leaving Reno alone, but it’s better than throwing him in the lion’s den. Or is it? Maybe I should have taken him with me. Anne or Mira could have hidden him until things blew over. Actually, I should probably have asked him what he thought. I was so caught up in saving him, it didn’t even cross my mind. Shit. I just hope he actually stays put.

When I reach Elign, I hear laughter outside. Dornao’s, and one of the Raiders I met yesterday. I wish I were surprised to see them buddy up like that.

I take a roundabout route, using the shade of the trees to stay hidden. I avoid the main gate and continue along the eastern fence. One of the metal panels is loose and hasn’t been fixed yet. I nudge it slightly. No one on the other side. I slip into the camp and follow the walls. Footsteps echo. I slip behind a storage shed. A man walks past me holding a smiling little boy by the hand. I feel like my heart is about to burst, but neither of them notices me. Maybe I should have gone at night with Reno. There would still have been guards, but fewer residents wandering around. Clearly, I have no idea what I'm doing. I should have thought my plan through more carefully, but the stress and the need to protect Reno got the better of my judgment.

The coast is clear. I walk past the medical zone, skirt the clothing factory, and crouch down to slip under the windows of the residential area. I knock on Anne’s door. She opens.

“Nasir?” Anne’s eyes widen. “What are you doing here? They’re looking for you everywhere! Quick, come in.”

She closes the door behind me, and I collapse on her couch beside the window. “Anne, you have to help me. Please!”

“I’ve spoken in your favor already, but what you did, it’s treason. Where’s Reno?”

“I left him in a cave away from here. He knows a lot about the Raiders. Useful things. You need to convince the council to take him back in and use what he knows to fight the Raiders instead of submitting to them. They can’t make their own bullets. Their defenses aren’t as strong as they seem.” I take the paper out of my satchel and hand it to her.