Page 85 of How I Met Your Murderer

A DETAILED RECORD OF THE UNFINISHED BUSINESS OF ERIC JAMES CRAWFORD (b. December 29th, 1982, d. July 15th, 2009)

AKA ERIC’S AFTERLIFE AGENDA

That’s right. I stole Raff’s pen.

1. Finish one last D&D campaign

2. Learn how I really died (Maybe we can find an autopsy report)

3. Return overdue library books to Beacon Street

4. Eat a full Irish breakfast (Raff to eat, I’ll live vicariously)

5. Get drunk on Guinness (Raff again, taking one for the team)

6. Apologize to Chloe for missing her wedding (Email her? I know it’s weird)

7. Buy the teapot Mom wanted and ship it to the States

8. Take a selfie with a sheep

9. Win at pub trivia (In the castle will have to do. I’m calling our team Dead Inside)

10. I’ll tell you this one if we get there, Raff. In private.

11. FALL IN LOVE

For what it’s worth, I don’t even care about most of this stuff anymore—mostly number 2 and number 10. It’ll be good to get a message to my family, too. Hopefully this doesn’t mess up our spell from the village witch.

Because that’s what this list is, right? Ingredients for a spell to move me on.

I feel like I’m living a D&D game, although I always thought I’d be more alone if that happened. I definitely never pictured myself with my very own paladin along for the quest to cross my soul into another realm. Maybe I sound delusional, but together, I don’t think we can fail.

twenty-four

The Final Countdown

Eric

On October 30 th, at 12:13am, we finished our D&D game while the castle made its usual creaks and groans that didn’t seem to match any ordinary sounds and its energy crackled with untapped potential. With warning.

The Big Bad plaguing our seaside town had been defeated, and my ghost bard was finally able to “cross over.” I decided he would become a new constellation to guide lost travelers, especially bright when viewed from South Kerry But Fantasy. It was meant to be a fun little gift for Raff, but everyone seated around the coffee table in the parlor got really quiet after I explained it, because . . . well.

Pepper chose that moment to wander over and settle on my feet, offering me his favorite stuffed gnome with the little red cap and long beard.

“He’s never given Mr. Nubbins to anyone willingly before,” Jordy observed, sounding almost too offhand. He wasn’t looking directly at me, but I still noticed how his eyes glistened as he stared hard at a line of black salt guarding an entrance to the room. “Not even me, so.”

All the attempted humping was because he really liked me, I guess. He seemed to be glad that I was currently as solid as his other humans, but boy would he be disappointed when tomorrow rolled around.

I rubbed his ears. He wasn’t so bad, really. Definitely not a demon dog.

Then Raff, who had finally recovered from the constellation reveal enough to speak, announced that his ranger was going to learn some of my bard’s songs and become a wandering protector. Basil’s sorcerer opened an enchanted club where he could perform and keep an eye on the happenings in town in case trouble ever stirred again, and Jordy’s dwarf paladin stayed to guard the village if need be, retiring from the adventurer’s life. Basil teased him about wanting to settle down so soon, of course, and Jordy retaliated by signing his dwarf up to dance onstage at the new club.

Síofra’s wood elf druid returned to her home grove and planted a special tree in honor of our party and the time we’d shared. She said she was going to catch up to Raff’s ranger once she had taken some time to enjoy her beloved forest.

Síofra looked far more frightening than any of the Halloween decorations, with most of her skin rotting away—all the remaining spirits did, except for me. Maybe because I was spending more time with Raff than lingering alone in the castle like I used to, I didn’t know. But she was still my friend, and I still hugged her freezing, hard-to-grasp figure for a long time before Raff and I went out to the van so he could try to rest.

I worried about her. Worried she would be the elemental’s next victim. Worried about who would keep her company once I was gone, since Raff would be leaving, too.