Page 19 of A Game of Hearts

He didn’t turn at James’ voice.

“Merely seeking a moment of quiet.”

“Ah yes. Quiet. Something distinctly lacking in the drawing room at present, what with Lady Anne holding forth about proper behaviour at house parties.” James’ tone held clear disdain. “Though I notice that Miss Everton isn’t present either.”

“I hadn’t noticed.”

“Hadn’t you? Just as you haven’t noticed how your eyes follow her whenever she’s in the room? Or how your expression changes when someone merely speaks her name?”

Nathaniel’s hand tightened on his glass.

“You go too far, James.”

“Do I? Or do I not go far enough?” James crossed to pour himself a drink. “Someone needs to shake you out of this rigid shell you’ve built around yourself.”

“You know why...”

“Yes, yes, because of Charlotte.” James dropped into a chair. “Though I fail to see how our cousin’s scandal has any bearing on Miss Everton.”

“It has every bearing!” The words burst out before Nathaniel could stop them. “You remember what happened. One small breach of propriety led to another, and another, until...”

“Until Charlotte nearly eloped with a fortune hunter who would have ruined her.” James’ voice gentled. “But you stopped it. You saved her reputation.”

“Barely. And only because I happened to return from sea at exactly the right moment, three weeks before....” Nathaniel turned from the window at last. “If I hadn’t...”

“But you did. And Charlotte went on to make an excellent marriage to a man who truly loves her.” James leaned forward. “Though I note you’ve never asked yourself why she was so susceptible to that fortune hunter in the first place.”

“What do you mean?”

“Think, brother. Charlotte had been raised exactly as you would wish - every rule followed, every proper form observed. And what did it get her? A heart so starved for real feeling that she mistook the first man to show her warmth for her true love.”

Nathaniel stared at his brother.

“That’s not...”

“Isn’t it? You’re so determined to protect everyone from impropriety that you fail to see the danger in too much propriety.” James set his glass down with unusual force. “And now you’re doing the same thing to yourself. Worse, you’re doing it to Miss Everton.”

“I am protecting her!”

“From what? From feeling? From joy? From love?”

The last word seemed to echo in the quiet room. Nathaniel turned back to the window, but not before James saw his expression.

“Ah.” His brother’s voice softened. “So that’s it. You’re not truly afraid she’ll be improper. You’re afraid of what you feel for her.”

“James...”

“Tell me I’m wrong. Tell me you don’t love her already.”

Nathaniel’s silence was answer enough.

“It doesn’t matter what I feel.” Nathaniel’s voice was barely audible when the words finally came. “I cannot... I will not risk her reputation.”

“By loving her? Or by letting her see that you do?” James rose to stand beside his brother. “Because I rather think that she already knows the first. It’s your denial of it that truly hurts her.”

“You don’t understand.”

“Don’t I? I was there too, remember? I saw what happened with Charlotte. But I also saw what happened after - how she found real happiness once she learned to balance propriety with genuine feeling.” James touched his brother’s shoulder. “The world isn’t divided into proper and improper, Nathaniel. There’s a whole world of possibility between rigid correctness and ruin.”