Page 40 of With You

“What are you thinking about?” River asks, tapping his foot against mine.

“What are we doing, River?” I ask, hoping he can give me an answer that sorts through all the confusion in my mind.

“We’re going on a date,” he says matter-of-factly, as if it’s just something that simple. As much as I want it to be, we both know it’s not.

River leans forward, reaching for my hand and I give it to him. He closes both of his over mine, brushing his thumb across the back of it as he speaks.

“We can figure out the rest later,” he says quietly. “For now, let’s just go eat some good food, and spend time with each other outside of a studio. That’s all I want to do right now.”

“But what about when we get back? This isn’t real life.”

“Why can’t it be?” He rises from his seat to kneel in front of me, lifting one hand to cradle my cheek. “It feels pretty real to me.”

I look into his eyes for any hint of a joke, or regret, or anything that might make me think he doesn’t mean it, but there’s nothing like that. Instead, there’s a softness that I’ve never seen before, a gentle pleading look almost as if he does actually want this to be something real between us.

“I’m worried it’ll complicate everything,” I confess. “I don’t like the way I’ve felt this week.”

“How have you felt?”

I tip my gaze up to the ceiling, searching for the right words to tell him without exposing myself too deeply.

“Out of control. I don’t like that we keep getting distracted when we dance, or the fact that I actually think I do like it. You’ve made dancing fun, and I don’t know how to combine that with wanting to do well.”

“Shall I tell you a secret?”

I nod, unsure why he’s changing the subject. I feel silly for admitting how he’s made me feel just for him to talk about himself.

“I don’t enjoy dancing anymore.”

My eyebrows furrow as I look at him, his face sincere as he tells the truth.

“This past year, it hasn’t been fun for me. I do it because it’s an easy work out, and because it’s what I’ve spent so many years working on that it feels like a waste of time if I give up so easily. But you’ve made it fun, Amelie. I’ve never loved dancing this much before.”

I try not to hear something else underneath his words.

“This past week,” he continues. “I’ve loved meeting you at the studio every day. And it’s not just about kissing you although that’s a wonderful bonus,” he winks, and I roll my eyes, but I can’t stop a smile from blooming on my face.

“You’ve made me remember why I love dancing, why ballet is so important to me. Every time I see you dance, the way you make it look so easy when I know how hard you’ve worked, it does something strange to me here.”

He places his palm flat against his chest, curling his fingers slightly right above his heart.

“I don’t know what we’re doing exactly, Amelie. But I like it a lot, and I want to keep doing it. Whether that’s just practicing together, or whether it’s going on dates like this, I just want to keep doing stuff with you. And I hope you want that with me, too.”

I take a deep breath, letting his words sink in as I figure out how to respond. I do want that with him. I want to keep dancing with him, spending time with him, kissing him, and whatever else might happen. But I’m still worried I’ll mess up my one shot at getting into the summer intensive.

“I do want all of that,” I tell him, but he hears the hesitation in my voice as he leans closer. “But I’m scared, River.”

“I am, too,” he says quickly. “But if it feels right for both of us, we can’t let fear get in the way.”

He’s right. I want to give myself to him completely, let myself get carried away with him but something is still holding me back.

“I think,” I start, unsure of how I’m going to finish the sentence. “I think after today, we don’t go on any more dates.”

River nods, understanding even though we haven’t gone on our first date yet.

“I need to get this spot, River,” I say and he nods again. “And if I don’t get it because I’ve been distracted by you, I don’t think I could forgive either of us for that.”

“No more dates,” he says.