Page 79 of Yearning Difficulties

‘I’ve never had real friends.’

I finished the sentence for her. Matter-of-factly.

‘We couldn’t afford a private diagnosis in the end, and the waiting lists were so long. And I had no idea how to talk to you about it. Neither did your dad. We were stumped. Decided to table it. Then you just grew into such a bright, confident young woman . . .’

Only because I masked like a clown in the neurotypical circus.

‘Maybe we should open that avenue up again,’ she said gently.

I nodded fervently.

‘Okay,’ she agreed, her voice soft and cautious. ‘But back to Killian. You two may have been pretending to go out, but I saw how he looked at you, Zell. There was nothing fake about it. No one could fake that.’

You don’t know how hard autistics can pretend. I wanted to say it, but I didn’t.

‘He doesn’t love me, Ma. He barely even likes me after I . . .’

‘After what?’

I didn’t reply.

‘After whatever happened on Sunday night? When you snuck out and back in during a thunderstorm?’

I winced. ‘Sorry.’

‘You’re eighteen and your dad and I can’t be hypocrites. We trust you.’

‘He wanted to distract himself from Claire and I didn’t want to be a distraction. Put it that way.’

‘Did he say that? Or did you infer? Because I’ll be honest, sweets. You’re not always the best at reading people.’

I was about to reply when suddenly the doorbell interrupted our conversation. Both of us moved to my bedroom window to see who it was. My heart raced.

I knew exactly who I wanted to see.

‘It’s Dave,’ Ma said, distaste evident in her voice.

I sighed and opened the window. The sound made him glance up.

‘I’ll come down,’ I called to him. I closed the window and gave Ma a shrug. ‘How likely is it that Dad will make a scene if he comes inside?’

‘After he used you as a shield against that horse?’

‘Note taken.’ I opened the window again. ‘Meet you at the bandstand!’

Dave heard me and nodded.

‘I wanted to apologize about Saturday and the horse.’

It was dusk and I was sitting next to Dave on the town bandstand steps. The whole gazebo had been decorated in autumnal garlands and the air was crisp but serene. ‘That’s okay.’

‘It’s not. I was an ass.’

‘It’s fine.’

He grunted in frustration. ‘I’m not finding this whole breakup thing easy, Zell.’

‘It’s been four months, Dave.’