Page 78 of Yearning Difficulties

She sat down next to me on my bed and stroked some stray hairs away from my sodden cheeks. ‘Uh huh.’

‘I don’t, Ma,’ I protested. I was both irritable and indignant. ‘It was never real. It was all fake! We were never really together.’

She shook her head at that. ‘What?’

‘It was a fake relationship. I wanted to get onto Dr Bergery’s writing seminar. Killian pretended to date me so she’d know who I was. It worked. But now we’re done. He was just helping me out.’

It didn’t feel good to say it aloud.

‘Right,’ Ma said slowly. ‘It was all an act, huh?’

‘Yes.’

‘Him buying you that mood ring and squiring you around town. The giant pumpkin sitting by our front door? All an act?’

‘Yeah. We needed the rumour mill on our side.’

‘Okay. And him diving in front of a bucking horse to protect you? An act?’

I bristled. ‘Not exactly.’

‘And you don’t think it’s a bit odd, him agreeing to all of this pretence in the first place, when he had nothing to gain?’

I grimaced. ‘No.’

‘Zella.’

I could hear the chastisement in her voice. ‘Don’t, Ma. He’s in love with someone else.’

‘I sincerely doubt that.’

‘Her name’s Claire. His whole family knows how much he likes her. His mother brought it up when I first went over for dinner. She said I would be a good distraction because he’d been pining for her.’

Ma absorbed my words and I suddenly felt like crying all over again.

‘He has such a bite to him,’ I said. I felt too fragile, too breakable. ‘He’s always so defensive. Ready to fight the world. But when he talks about her . . . he’s like his brother. Poetic. Almost romantic. He’s a different person. The same brilliant brain just . . . gentler. And he does that for her. Not for me.’

I lay down again. Suddenly too tired.

‘Because I’m weird, Ma,’ I said, my voice pressing into my pillow and my eyes filling up with water. ‘I’m not like everyone else. And not in a good way. I can feel it when I’m with other people. I can’t lie to myself any more. He doesn’t love me, because I’m strange. But when I’m with him, those are the only times I don’t feel strange. I feel natural with him. Normal. Like I’m not made wrong.’

I closed my eyes and Ma inhaled sharply.

‘Zella?’

‘I want to be alone now. Please.’

‘Have you spoken to anyone about feeling different?’

‘Dr Casey, the school counsellor, thought I was neurodivergent.’

I expected Ma to scoff or question me but she pressed a hand to my hip.

‘A lot of your teachers thought that. We were told when you were younger to see about getting an autism diagnosis.’

My eyes shot open and I turned my head to stare at her. ‘What?’

‘Yes. We always just thought you were your own unique self. But certain things would happen. Like at that birthday party when you were really small? All the kids were playing musical chairs and someone cheated. You had a complete meltdown. No one could calm you. Then other things. Train travel made you so stressed. So did certain foods. The paediatrician said your body showed real signs of physical stress afterwards, you weren’t just having tantrums. And apart from Max . . .’